The Barnesyard

Barnesyard Closed; ESFS Open

2009-05-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

This blog is closed, but my latest endeavor, The E Street Film Society, is now open.

Box Office Barnesyard

2006-09-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

There are six new films opening in Sacramento this weekend. In the multiplexes, Ashton Kutcher's "The Guardian" opens against Ashton Kutcher's animated "Open Season". What a duel. Elsewhere, the long-delayed "School for Scoundrels" (starring Barnesyard Bump-ee Billy Bob Thornton) finally debuts. The Crest is opening both Michel Gondry's "The Science of Sleep" and "Heading South", starring a typically oversexed Charlotte Rampling. The Tower has nothing new, but is holding "Feast" over for another round of 11:25 p.m. showings tonight and tomorrow. A film called "Facing the Giants" opens on five area screens, because America needs a Christo-fascist feel-good football movie now more than ever. Here are my picks for the top 5 films in the country:

1) Open Season
2) Jackass 2
3) School For Scoundrels
4) The Guardian
5) The Gridiron Gang

We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

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By the way, don't forget that "The American Astronaut" (which had a one-week stint at the Tower a few years back) is playing tonight at The Fools Foundation on 21st and K (behind the Spaghetti Factory). Admission is five bucks, and one of the film's production designers will be on hand to talk about the movie.

Sweet, Delicious Grapes

2006-09-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure you all know by now, Heckasac (aka Sacramento's Own The Sacramento Peach) once again took SN&R's prize for top local blog, despite the fact that she's a Canadian citizen and is thus technically ineligible. The folks at SacRag took second place, and the bronze medal went to Mark Williams' radio blog (a blog for neo-conservatice fascist douchebags? Now I've heard everything!).

I know what you're all thinking...The Barnesyard - a close fourth place, right? Actually, I got a little inside dirt from my sources at the News and Review regarding the tabulations. It seems a little dubious, so I'll have to go back and doublecheck the info, but apparently The Barnesyard received slightly fewer votes than just mashing your palms into the keyboard and entering the results into an address bar. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Barnesyard was actually beaten by any random series of numbers, letters, and symbols that could be typed into a search engine. 5eye7u6j6reyegf(*ujaohff - that got more votes than I did. Ditto 48u4uhf4u98h4hp9h89p4wfhpq and lsjkdffasd;ljkfasd;jklf. Ouch.

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Hey Jesse, did you hear that Terrell Owens tried to commit suicide? What's that about? Seriously, what's that about?

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I'm knee-deep in Almodovar at the moment (I watched 4 in the past couple of days, with 4 more to go), but I'll trickle out a few Barnesyard-only pieces here and there. I'll have my weekly box office predictions up sometime this morning.

Movie Reviews

2006-09-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Here a few new and new-ish movies I've watched recently:

-"The Black Dahlia" (2006 - Dir.: Brian De Palma) Muddy L.A. noir sort of revolving around gruesome real-life murder case. Starts well, drags in the middle (with a distinct shortage of De Palma-esque showpiece sequences), ultimately infuriates. Adapting James Ellroy, De Palma shows little interest in the murder story, instead gumming up the works with an overabundance of femme fatales (at least half a dozen, by my count) and loose ends. Johannsen is stunning as ever (is she the modern-day Lana Turner?), but she's barely in the movie. Even Hilary Swank looks pretty good, thanks to a black wig and a heroic push-up bra, but her character is beyond ludicrous - the hook is that she's supposed to be a dead ringer for the murdered girl, but the two don't even bear a glancing resemblance. Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart are OK as the requisite cops-on-the-edge, but they just go to show that there are no more Sterling Haydens and Robert Ryans out there. A disappointment. GRADE: C.

-"Feast" (2006 - Dir.: John Gulager) "Project: Greenlight" contest winner John Gulager bears the distinction of being the only person ever associated with that program who deserves to ever work in film. Of course, the competition is hardly feirce - season 1 product "Stolen Summer" is the most anti-Semitic film masquerading as a feel-good message of religious tolerance in Hollywood history; season 2's "The Battle of Shaker Heights", by comparison, was just run-of-the-mill terrible, but a movie only in the loosest sense of the word. "Feast" is a jolly grossout flick about a bunch of cwaaaaazy characters battling ravenous alien beasts in a middle-of-nowhere road house - it's not good, but at least it's something. If nothing else, you can appreciate that Gulager attempted something satiric and bizarre - with just a little extra time and money, it would have even been worth a regular theatrical release. I maintain that the "Project Greenlight" format set up its winners to fail by severely abbreviating their pre-production time. In "Feast", the corner-cutting manifests itself in the presentation of the aliens, who just don't look cool or scary or threatening, and Gulager's shaky-cam technique renders most of the action incomprehensible. I have to appreciate Gulager's gusto, but I can't recommend the film. GRADE: C-. [NOTE: "Feast" was held over for another weekend of midnight showings. The Friday night screening I attended was about 2/3 full.]

-"Cinemania" (2002 - Dir.: Angela Christlie/Stephen Kijak) Entertaining but skin-deep documentary about film obsessives in New York. The film profiles five kinda-creepy New Yorkers whose lives consist of one screening after another, to the exclusion of friends, family, jobs, and actual lives. All five are interesting subjects, and I couldn't help but be compelled by the subject (and feel some pangs of jealousy over the great films they get to see on the big screen), but the filmmakers never cut beneath the quirky surface. All 5 of the cinemaniacs seem have to accepted film as a substitute for certain emotional and physical satisfactions that frighten or elude them (one 40-ish adult lives with his mother, most live in squalor, and all are sexually repressed), but the filmmakers seem content to play them for laughs. GRADE: B-.

"The Ballad of Jack and Rose" (2005 - Dir.: Rebecca Miller) Daniel Day-Lewis (husband of director Miller) gives a sensitive and nuanced performance as a brilliant and utopian-minded ex-hippie living in flirty seclusion with his savage-innocent daughter on a remote East Coast island. Their routine is disrupted first by the forces of progress (a developer is building tract homes on the island's protected wetlands) and next by the father's affair with a neurotic divorcee from town played by Catherine Keener. When Day-Lewis invites Keener and her two teenage sons into their private world, the daughter (played by Camilla Belle) reacts with innocence, wonder, and vengeance. Good for the first two-thirds, but undermined by bad writing in the last third, even as the film heads toward an inevitable conclusion. Worth a look if you've got the patience, but Miller's wandering camera style has been known to drive some people crazy. GRADE: B-.

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OK, that'll do for now. I'll try to get my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape" out this week, but I might be pressed for time because of Almodovar screenings, so we'll see how it goes. I'll also write about the Little Richard show either tonight or tomorrow.

Another Qualified Victory

2006-09-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

I did another solid job picking the box office this weekend. Once again, I correctly picked the #1 film in the country ("Jackass 2", by a considerable margin), along with 4 of the top 5. In fact, "The Black Dahlia"'s gross was just $0.35 million short of making it a perfect top 5 - instead, De Palma's muddy noir plummeted to the 6th spot. "Jet Li's Fearless" performed a little better than I expected (can anyone explain this man's popularity to me?), while the WWI dogfight film "Flyboys" did a little worse. As predicted, the eternally delayed "All the King's Men" and the underhyped Orlando Bloom vehicle "Haven" were prototypical nonstarters. Here were the actual top 5 films in the country this weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Jackass 2 (Jackass 2)
2) Jet Li's Fearless (Flyboys)
3) The Gridiron Gang (The Gridiron Gang)
4) Flyboys (Jet Li's Fearless)
5) Everyone's Hero (The Black Dahlia)

Next week features the comedy "School for Scoundrels", starring Barnesyard Bump-ee Billy Bob Thornton, as well as a very intriguing Kutcher v. Kutcher showdown, as his rescue diving actioner "The Guardian" (co-starring some washed-up ex-actor named Kevin Costner) is pitted against his animated "Open Season".

Box Office Barnesyard

2006-09-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

There are a bunch of films opening in Sacramento this weekend. Of course, there's "Feast" at the Tower - get there early to avoid the long lines. Tower is also opening something or other called "Confetti". There's a film called "Alien Autopsy" that I've never heard of, yet it's opening on about 10 area screens. Eh? The long-awaited (by who, I have no idea) "All the King's Men" finally opens, but by all accounts it's a dud. There's also the underhyped Orlando Bloom vehicle "Haven", as well as the WWII actioner "Flyboys", "Jet Li's Fearless", and "Jackass Two". Here are my picks:

1) Jackass 2
2) Flyboys
3) The Gridiron Gang
4) Jet Li's Fearless
5) The Black Dahlia

"The Last Kiss" might snag one of those spots if it goes wider this weekend. We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

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If you have a little time to spare before heading over to see "Feast" tonight, you should check out movie night at the Fools Foundation. They are screening "Sirens of the 23rd Century", some sort of campy sci-fi. Here's a blurb:

"Hyper-colorful, campy, kitschy, and androgynous, this hit of the gay and lesbian film festival circuit is a neoclassical, sci-fi, fairytale satire set in the 23rd century after cosmetics and modeling have been outlawed by a fascist government regime. A small, feminine group of underground Beauty Renegades fights back, led by a fearless and epic amazon."

Admission is five bucks and the show starts at 7 p.m. I can't make it tonight, but I will try to show up next friday when they are showing "The American Astronaut". Incidentally, that film's director, writer, and star Cory McAbee will be performing with his band The Billy Nayer Show on Wednesday at the Fools Foundation. That show starts at 8.

The Big Night

2006-09-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

I went to Davis last night to sit in on Swords Award's live KDVS set. The boys filled out the hour nicely, although it sounded completely different on CD than it did in the studio. At KDVS, I couldn't hear any organ or vocals, but on the CD it was all organ and vocals. At any rate, I came up with a new rock-and-roll saying last night that I expect to spread across the country like wildfire: "As soon as I TOTE this gear, I'm gonna TOKE this gear." I can't believe Andy and the boys down in R&D didn't come up with that one years ago.

Don't forget that John Gulager's "Feast" plays at 11:25 p.m. at the Tower, tonight and tomorrow night ONLY! If the mere concepts of aliens feeding on humans, Jason Mewes with his face ripped off, and Henry Rollins in pink sweat pants don't grab you, it's time for you to take a long, hard look at yourself. What have you become? And lest you forget...

and...

And since every girl my age seems to have nursed a Balthazar Getty (who plays the hero in "Feast") crush at some point...

Remember, if you don't come to see "Feast", David Paul might get off early enough to watch "Stargate: Atlantis"...and that's something I don't think any of us want.

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Box office picks are forthcoming. Other reviews will probably be pushed back to next week.

Fan Rage

2006-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Orioles fans stage walkout to protest prolonged sucking. Charles, your thoughts?

Slow Day

2006-09-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Very little traffic on the blog today. That's OK...I'm knee-deep in the Michigan House of Representatives' bullshit anyway. I did just want to mention that I have two pieces in the News and Review this week. There is my usual In the Mix review on page 472G (strategically situated right between the porn ads and the other porn ads) and a slightly larger Bring It Home review on the movies page. Also, it looks like I will be writing a feature article on the upcoming Almodovar festival at the Crest - look for that one in October.

I watched "The Black Dahlia" last night - a review is forthcoming.

More Movie Reviews - The Watchable Ones

2006-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

-"The Illusionist" (2006 - Dir.: Neil Burger) Engaging and tricksy story of poker-faced magician Norton mesmerizing turn-of-the-century Austrian society. A chance onstage encounter with his upper-class childhood sweetheart (their love was denied by the barrier between their classes) leads to a flirtation, a murder, and a mystery that might be solved by Norton's magic. Second-time director Burger (he made a small 2002 film called "Interview With the Assassin" that shows on IFC/Sundance sometimes) finds a correlation between the illusion-making of magicians and that of filmmakers - indeed, film projection, which would have been invented around the time this film takes place, is one of the key's to Norton's illusions. The film is well-shot and well-acted, with a veneer of class, but it's not great. Paul Giamatti, who is quickly turning into an insufferable ham, plays a nosy police inspector, but his performance belongs in a Mel Brooks film. GRADE: B.

-"World Trade Center" (2006 - Dir.: Oliver Stone) Visually intense but emotionally perfunctory 9/11 drama tells the true-life story of two ordinary Port Authority workers (Nic Cage and Jon Seda) who get trapped in and rescued from the rubble of the fallen Twin Towers. The first third of the film is the best, teeming with the queasy confusion of the day. The interesting thing about Cage and Seda's characters is that they don't do anything remotely heroic besides show up on the scene - they spend a lot of time moving slowly from place to place, stocking up on safety equipment, and then the Towers suddenly collapse on top of them. The second third mostly centers on Cage and Seda trapped in the rubble, immobile and frightened - Cage does his best acting since "Adaptation" in these scenes (although he still looks disturbingly gaunt). Stone's film fails whenever it moves away from the rubble - the story of the wives is too cute and neat, and the scenes with the civilian rescuers strive fruitlessly for poetry. Still, it's better than you probably would have expected. On a larger level, the film's box office performance indicates that Stone will live to shoot another day. GRADE: B-.

-"Snakes on a Plane" (2006 - Dir.: David R. Ellis) I don't know what else to say about this one. By know, "Snakes On a Plane" has joined the clear soda craze on a legendary list of overhyped products that consumers never gave a flying fuck about. But is it that bad? Not at all. The pre-snakes, pre-plane "story" - a witless surf bum witnesses a mob killing, gets pursued by a vicious gang lord, and finds protection from special agent Sam Jackson, who brings him to America to testify - is torturously drawn out, considering the circumstances. Who cares? No one. You could set it all up with a few lines of dialogue as they GET ON THE PLANE. "Hey, that sure was bullshit when you witnessed that killing and the mob boss tried to have you killed!" "Well, I'm sure glad you came to protect me, and now we're safe on this plane heading to America." Done. I just cut a half hour from your film. Anyway, finally they're on the plane, the pheromone-sprayed killer snakes are released, and everyone goes apeshit. All in all, it's pretty fun, and you get what you hope for - snakes biting dudes on the dong, biting chicks on the tit, a giant snake swallowing some guy's head whole. No complaints there. As the action hero, Jackson does some solid phoning it in. You never doubt him in the role, but for christ's sake...it wasn't that long ago this guy was considered one of the best actors in film. GRADE: B-.

-"Sketches of Frank Gehry" (2006 - Dir.: Sydney Pollack) Slight but intriguing documentary about the unique and divisive architect Frank Gehry, who creates enormous, bizarre, rococo structures based on indicipherable sketches and childlike models. Pollack is Gehry's friend, so this often staid film borders on hagiography, but it's still an interesting examination of creative spark and artistic method, and Gehry's buildings are beautifully photographed. GRADE: B.

-"Beerfest" (2006 - Dir.: Jay Chandrasekhar) The Broken Lizard troupe's latest is a tough one to call. On the one hand, it's a harmless celebration of all things sophomoric and an enormous step up from "Club Dread" (although still a million miles from "Super Troopers"), with a fair number of honest laughs. On the other hand, it really is a lazy piece of shit. Two American brothers get humiliated at an underground German drinking games contest known as Beerfest, so they regroup and return a year later with a ragtag group of misfits to claim the prize. The film misses nearly every opportunity to properly satirize uptight Germans, but SNL-er Will Forte does a really funny whiny German voice. Decent if your standards are low enough. GRADE: B-.

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Up next: Dare Daniel - "The Ape"

Best Film of 2006 (so far)

2006-09-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

"The Devil and Daniel Johnston" gets released to DVD today. Here's what I wrote about it two months ago. Pretty thin review, I'll admit. Jeff Feuerzeig's film really does pack a wallop - it has the compelling story of Johnston's battle with his demons, both real and imagined, but the filmmaking is so crisp and alive. It's both an examination of creative urgency and an example of it. Go check it out.

Greatest Week Ever?

2006-09-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

Through one of those miraculous space-time confluences that happens maybe once every few millenia, two of the greatest things that have ever happened in the history of the world will occur this week within 100 miles of each other.

First, the Tower Theater is having midnight screenings of John Gulager's Project Greenlight horror film "Feast" on Friday and Saturday night. I'm planning to show up on Friday just to make sure that DP has to work late - it's the only way he'll learn. Fans of the cancelled Bravo show "Project Greenlight" - all six of us - have been waiting breathlessly for the release of "Feast", which concerns a ragtag group of misfits (Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins among them) in a deserted roadhouse fighting off ravenous aliens in full feeding frenzy mode.

The first two Project Greenlight films were unwatchable, sentimental tripe. "Feast", on the other hand, may be unwatchable tripe, but at least it won't be sentimental. At any rate, I find it difficult to follow a series about the making of an independent film without at least skimming through the finished product. Of course, "Project Greenlight", while entertaining as television, set its novice filmmakers up against impossible odds. Besides the fact that the winners all had precious little behind-the-camera experience (the producers seemed to cast the show more for entertaining personalities than for competent filmmakers), they are given barely any pre- or post-production time and an intensely abbreviated shooting schedule. The result: a movie like "Feast". Did I mention it features Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins?

Also, this chick's in it:

Her too:

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The other big event this week is the Little Richard show on Saturday night in Cache Creek. Darcey had to bow out due to scheduling difficulties, so DP will accompany me to the Cache Creek showroom to watch The Georgia Peach butcher...er, perform his many rock-and-roll classics. Anyone who has witnessed The Quasar of Rock's manic incoherence on the TV show "Celebrity Duets" may have an idea of what we're in for. I'll have the complete story of the trip, the performance, and the post-show orgy next Monday.

Here is the stock Little Richard picture for all the ladies:

Box Office Barnesyard

2006-09-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

I had another decent week predicting the box office...I got 4 of the top 5 movies, including the #1 film, "The Gridiron Gang". Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" did better than I expected (anyone see it?), placing second with about $10 million. "Everyone's Hero" placed a lackluster third (talking baseball my ass, McBain!), while "The Last Kiss" did decent enough in limited release to place fourth (p.s.: Darcey saw it this weekend and liked it). Here were the actual top 5 films in the country last weekend, with my picks in parentheses:

1) Gridiron Gang (Gridiron Gang)
2) The Black Dahlia (The Covenant)
3) Everyone's Hero (Everyone's Hero)
4) The Last Kiss (The Black Dahlia)
5) The Covenant (The Protector, which didn't even place top 10)

I also had a bummer week picking the football games, although Denver's narrow victory over Kansas City (as well as the A's sweep of the White Sox) salvaged my weekend in sports. Besides that, I feel safe in the knowledge that being a few games up in the football pool will attack Jesse's brain like syphilis, which should allow me to coast to an easy victory for the season.

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I got the new schedules for the Thursday night retro film revivals at Arden Fair, and there are a few dates to get excited about:

-October 5: "Point Break"
-October 19: "Purple Rain"
-October 26: "Saturday Night Fever"
-and the one I'm most excited about, regardless of how many dozen times I've seen it: "Taxi Driver" on November 30.

I also found the schedules for the Thursday night movies in Davis, and there's not much to get worked up about. The one date that genuinely intrigues me is November 2, when they'll be showing "Airplane!"

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Anyone see anything good this weekend? Please share.

I Almost Forgot...

2006-09-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Just in case you're not going to see Sir Elton tonight, go check out "Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea" at the Fools Foundation (behind the Spaghetti Factory on 21st and K). The show starts at 7 and admission is only five bucks. The director of the documentary will present for the screening.

See you next week.

I'm Out

2006-09-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I intended to spend the afternoon working on movie reviews for this week and next, but I just found out that Darcey scored us free box seat tickets to the Elton John show at Arco Arena tonight, so f- that noise. I need to prepare my lungs for two hours of chanting "Play 'Candle in the Wind'!"

Speaking of Arco, one of the stranger Chicken Little assertions made by the pro-arena factions is that not only will the Kings leave town if the measure doesn't pass, but the Maloofs will demolish Arco Arena on their way out of town, presumably out of spite. The Maloofs own Arco Arena, and somehow I can't see them passing up a chance to make money if said chance exists - these are casino guys, remember. At any rate, at least the events of the past week have effectively exposed the Maloofs' much-vaunted "commitment to the community" as a hoax, especially since the key difference that lead to the split was that the community leaders looked at the railyard and envisioned a glittering, mixed-use entertainment complex to anchor their downtown renovation and the Maloofs envisioned a giant parking lot with an arena in the center.

Box Office

2006-09-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of posts, but the Michigan Legislature has been all up my ass the past couple of days. I know what you're thinking...even Senator Beverly Hammerstrom? Yes, even Senator Beverly Hammerstrom.

Despite the fact that FFT has clearly stolen my bit and polluted it doing ACTUAL RESEARCH (shudder), I'll still pick the top five films of the week:

1) The Gridiron Gang
2) The Covenant
3) Everyone's Hero
4) The Black Dahlia (of course, I'll see it)
5) The Protector

Movie Reviews

2006-09-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

I still have about two dozen unreviewed movies from the past couple of months. Let's start the films that are still in theaters, starting with the most recent and working backward:

-"Hollywoodland" (2006 - Dir.: Allen Coulter) Studio system-era period mystery about the fleeting nature of fame that doesn't particularly work as a period piece, a mystery, or a parable about the fleeting nature of fame. Adrien Brody continues to prove that his Oscar-awarded performance in "The Pianist" was a fluke as a downbeat Hollywood gumshoe snooping around the mysterious death of ex-Superman George Reeves, which the cops have written off as a suicide. Ben Affleck plays Reeves in flashbacks, and while he may be well-cast in the part, bringing the right mix of charm, melancholy, and shallowness to the role, he manages to throughly botch his New England accent. This despite the fact that Affleck actually hails from the Boston area, while George Reeves was born in Iowa and raised in Pasadena (interesting choice on the bad Boston accent, Affleck)! Despite all this, the jury at the Venice Film Festival awarded Affleck with the Best Actor prize. First Venice boos "The Fountain", then they give an award to Ben Affleck - when will you fall into the sea already, you goddam gondolier-infested swamp city? Not a bad film altogether, just a bit timid and pointless. Allen Coulter has directed many Sopranos episodes, but I have come to view the modern TV director as the embodiment of a "yeoman's effort" - professional, stolid, unspectacular. GRADE: C.

-"The Wicker Man" (2006 - Dir.: Neil LaBute) LaBute's remake of the 1973 British cult horror film actually downplays the kinkiness and weirdness of the original to a disturbing degree. Fans of the original film will despise it outright; non-fans (like me) and first-timers may find it a tolerable but compromised effort. Nic Cage plays a cop-on-the-edge who travels to a remote, mysterious island to find a missing girl, but none of the island's inhabitants will admit the girl ever existed. Cage tries fairly hard, considering that it's Cage, but he looks worse than I've ever seen him - he's become emaciated to an alarming degree, perhaps taking his upcoming role as a CGI skeleton in "Ghost Rider" too seriously. When I first heard about LaBute's involvement with the project, I wondered why he would want take on this film at this point in his career. I'm still wondering. There is a bit of decent feminine eye candy on the island, including tall-drink-of-water Leelee Sobieski's first major role in five years, and a newcomer Australian starlet named Kate Beahan, who has Angelina Jolie's lips, Claire Forlani's eyes, and Keira Knightley's body (two out of three ain't bad). GRADE: C. Here is a pic of Ms. Beahan:

-"Trust the Man" (2006 - Dir.: Bart Freundlich) Exasperating ensemble rom-com about perpetual adolescent New Yorkers and the beautiful women who can barely tolerate them. Julianne Moore and David Duchovny (or as Jay likes to call him, "box office poison David Duchovny") play a married couple who have lost the spark, while Billy Crudup and Maggie Gyllenhaal play a long-time unmarried couple who have reached the end of their run. Every moment that feels honest and true (and their are several scattered throughout) is instantly decimated by goofiness and idiotic contrivance. Director Freundlich (Moore's hubby) has the seed of a decent Woody Allen knockoff here, but he keeps trying to turn the film into a wacky slapstick comedy. As a whiny, immature man who can't commit, Crudup comes off the worst, if only because he fails to find even a spark of genuine humanity in his character (whatever happened to Crudup, anyway? - he literally has not given a single good performance since "Almost Famous" back in 2000). As much as I want to, I can't completely dismiss "Trust the Man" - at the very least, the cast is stocked with eye candy, including one of The Barnesyard's more oddly mannish crushes, the lovely Eva Mendes. GRADE: C+.

-"Quinceneara" (2006 - Dir.: Richard Glatzer/Wash Westmoreland) Small, observant slice-of-life about frustrated Mexican teens living in L.A.'s Echo Park neighborhood. Just as young Magdalena is preparing to celebrate her fifteenth birthday, she finds out that she has become pregnant through some very odd (perhaps even miraculous) circumstances. When her religious father banishes her from the house, she is sent to live with her aging uncle and her gay reprobate cousin,. Co-directors Glatzer and Westmoreland get extra credit for capturing some genuine location atmosphere that feeds into the richness of the characters (the spectre of gentrification looms large over the neighborhood's mostly Hispanic inhabitants), but lose points for the film's needlessly pat conclusion. Glatzer and Westmoreland shot the film in the same neighborhood that they live in, enlisting locals as actors and advisors, which is why it's odd that the two most shallow and unlikable characters in "Quinceneara" are homosexual lovers (one of them British, like Westmoreland) who move into Echo Park to turn a profit off of their renovated condo. GRADE: B.

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Up next: more movie reviews, including "The Illusionist", "Snakes On a Plane", "Beerfest", "World Trade Center", and "Sketches of Frank Gehry", as well as my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape".

Football and Other Things

2006-09-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

Ever since I saw "Talladega Nights" for the second time at the drive-in, I can't get enough Cal Naughton, Jr. quotes. I haven't even put up my favorite Cal Naughton quote because I can't find any source for the exact wording. It comes in a scene at the hospital after Ricky Bobby's big car wreck. The doctor tells Cal that Ricky's injuries are entirely psychosomatic, and Cal says something like, "Now, when you say 'psychosomatic', do you mean that he can start a fire with his thoughts?" Oh, it's good stuff.

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The Office Football Pool 2006 - Mano-a-Mano Edition (you see, the third guy in mine and Jesse's pool doesn't work with us anymore, so it's a head-to-head matchup this season) got off to rough start for me this weekend. Not only did the Broncos look like rank amateurs in their road loss to the Rams (although let's face it, that "roughing the punter" call in the second half was a severe indictment of the league's new regulation that requires all referees to call the game with their heads up their own asses), but my baffling decisions to pick the Dolphins on Thursday, the Giants on Sunday, and the stupid, stupid Raiders on Monday puts me a couple of points behind already. Of course, it's only week 1, and thankfully I'm not some Jesse-esque fair weather fan who gives up and starts calling for the backup quarterback after one bad game.

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Has anyone seen the weekly train wreck known as "Celebrity Duets" yet? In case you live in one of the few remaining caves without a TV antenna, "Celebrity Duets" is exactly what you'd expect - has-been D-listers performing duets with has-been singers in the "American Idol" format. Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach is on the judge's panel, and it's really in some kind of form. I TiVo'd the show and just flipped past the performances to find the Peach's quips, which are entirely incoherent and, despite the uniform excretory quality of the performances, largely fawning. It's quite a show.

Besides the Little Richard appeal, "Celebrity Duets" also boasts the first solid face time for Lea Thompson in what seems like decades. Over twenty years after playing Michael J. Fox's mom in "Back to the Future", Thompson has re-emerged as a wonderfully un-Botoxed 45 year-old superfox! In the episode I flipped through, she showed off her sparkling gams by performing in a tight mini-skirt that inspired the best Little Richard comment of the night. He babbled that she reminded him of Tina Turner, and when she expressed her thanks, he said, "I meant your legs, not your voice." She looks a lot hotter than this picture would indicate, but it's all I could find:

Apparently, Thompson was voted off on last week's show, but she has replaced Marie Osmond on the judge's panel, so you can still check her out. The show also features a very tall, blonde and fetching Lucy Lawless, long removed from her "Xena: Warrior Princess" days:

Of course, the highlight of the show had nothing to do with Little Richard or D-list MILFS - it came when Alfonso Ribiero, Jr. (Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") sang a love ballad duet with Mr. Jeffrey Osborne. That's just good television.

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I am working on many, many movie reviews, so time permitting, there will be quite a few updates throughout the week.

Today's Assignment

2006-09-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Barnesyard has a lot of reviews to write, and the next few days will be chock full of updates, including long-awaited reviews of "The Wicker Man", "Hollywoodland", "Trust the Man", "Sketches of Frank Gehry", "Beerfest", the Dare Daniel review of James Franco's "The Ape", and anything else I haven't got around to writing about yet.

While I work on that, however, I'm going to need a little participation from the crowd. Therefore, I have one simple assignment: I DEMAND that every single person reading this right now leave a comment naming one good movie and one bad movie that they've seen in the last few weeks or months. Simple as that: one film you've seen recently that's moved you emotionally and one that's moved your bowels.

A Covenant of Dunces

2006-09-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

Always underestimating the public's insatiable hunger for complete cinematic refuse, The Barnesyard failed to predict the #1 opening of the Renny Harlin-helmed horror flick "The Covenant". I would ask everyone who watched "The Covenant" on opening weekend to kick themselves in the testicles for me, but there are so few of you out there (it pulled only $9 mil in the top spot), it hardly seems worth it.

FFT did a lot better with his picks - he got all 5 of the top 5 movies, including the #1. I was handicapped by pulling my movie premiere information off of sacbee.com, which failed to mention that "The Protector" was opening this weekend. Assuming history is not a complete dick, I feel certain it will vindicate me on this one. Here are the actual top 5 movies in the country, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) The Covenant (Invincible)
2) Invincible (Hollywoodland)
3) Hollywoodland (Crank)
4) The Protector (The Covenant)
5) Crank (Little Miss Sunshine, which actually placed 7th behind The Illusionist at #6)

Next week brings us Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia", Zach Braff in the ensemble rom-com "The Last Kiss", and The Rock in an unholy "Longest Yard"/"Remember the Titans" hybrid known as "The Gridiron Gang".

Scheming Bastards

2006-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

A short piece on the Kings arena from the Field of Schemes website. Boy, the Maloofs would make this arena a lot easier to sell if they could just stop lying for eight to ten seconds.

Box Office Barnesyard

2006-09-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

It's gonna be another tough week picking the box offices. The only two major studio releases coming out this weekend are "Hollywoodland" (which will be playing at the Tower) with Adrien Brody and Ben Affleck, and "The Covenant", a barrel-scraping horror flick if ever there was one. "Hollywoodland" seems like the obvious pick, but are people really that excited? Tough to gauge. Here are my picks...feel free to play along at home.

1) Invincible
2) Hollywoodland
3) Crank
4) The Covenant
5) Little Miss Sunshine

We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

Movie Night Tonight - Minutemen doc at Fools Foundation

2006-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Frequent Barnesyard commenter DeeAnn is helping to sponsor a Friday film night at the Fools Foundation on 19th and K. Tonight they are showing "We Jame Econo", a documentary about The Minutemen. Next Friday the 12th, they are showing the movie advertised above, "Plagues and Pleasures On the Salton Sea", featuring an appearance by one of the directors.

Later screenings this month include "Sirens of the 23rd Century" and "The American Astronaut". Tickets are $5 and more information is available at Shiny Object.

The New Year

2006-09-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late getting back into gear after the three-day weekend. My goal over the next couple of weeks is to get completely caught up on my movie reviews. There are about two dozen or so movies I've seen this summer that I never got around to formally reviewing, so I'll try to knock those out this week and next.

I had a decent weekend picking the movies. I got 4 out of the top 5 movies, albeit in a completely scrambled order, but incorrectly guessed the #1 film in the country. "Invincible" held on over the three-day weekend to convincingly keep the top spot. My #1 pick, Jason Statham in "Crank", placed a close second. The one film I missed was the wide release of "The Illusionist", which edged out my #5 pick "Talladega Nights" for the final spot in the countdown...I don't expect history will vindicate me on this one.

Here were the actual top 5 films last weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Invincible (Crank)
2) Crank (Little Miss Sunshine)
3) The Wicker Man (Invincible)
4) Little Miss Sunshine (The Wicker Man)
5) The Illusionist (Talladega Nights)

Coming this weekend is the Tinseltown murder mystery "Hollywoodland", Renny Harlin horror in "The Covenant", Matt Dillon in the Bukowski adaptation "Factotum", and "Broken Bridges", with a cast headlined by - no bullshit - Toby Keith, Kelly Preston, Willie Nelson, and Burt Reynolds.

*************

I received four solid Dare Daniel submissions last week, so I decided to have a coin flip tournament to decide my method of torture. Here were the results:

In case you're a total retard and can't figure out the obvious meaning of these alarmingly pathological scribblings, James Franco's directorial debut "The Ape" (suggested by Darcey) defeated "Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde" (suggested by Dub) to advance to the finals, while "What Women Want" (suggested by Jesse) swept "Rumor Has It" (suggested by DeeAnn) to take the other spot in the finals. In a best-of-five playoff, "The Ape" bested "What Women Want" by a score of 3 to 2, thus becoming the latest Dare Daniel.

What the fucking fuck is "The Ape", you ask? Here's how Netflix describes it:

"Determined to write the next great American novel, family man Harry Walker (James Franco, also directing his feature film debut) leaves his job as a corporate scrub, moves out of his house and rents an apartment to help him focus. But when he unexpectedly discovers he has a roommate -- a trash-talking gorilla with an affinity for Hawaiian shirts -- Harry's plans go down the drain. Brian Lally portrays the scatological simian."

This film was destined to become a Dare Daniel selection eventually. One particularly piquant Netflix reviewer hailing from the Bronx even put it this way:

"PAINFUL absolutely PAINFUL.What a lame attempt to get executive producer, writer, director to to resume, or maybe he did a Steven Segal and made a deal with the mob so he either gets wacked or produce a movie for them. Whatever the case it's by far the biggest piece of crap and biggest waste of time ever. don't believe me? rent it. i DARE YOU." (sic all the way through)

Note the explicit use of the dare. Netflix reviewer CB from Salisbury, MD said:

"I love this man, but this film was really bad. I think he can do better as an actor. I certainly loved the James Dean film he starred in. The movie Annapolis, was good too"

Look forward to my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape" next week on The Barnesyard.

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Up next: Movie news and reviews.

Box Office Predictions

2006-09-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to make my picks. Tough calls this week. I'll go with...

1) Crank
2) Little Miss Sunshine
3) Invincible
4) The Wicker Man
5) Talladega Nights

We'll see how I did on Tuesday morning. Hope you all have a good weekend.

Love Letters, Vol. 5 - The Thrilling Conclusion

2006-09-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

THE BARNESYARD...

-On Tom Cruise: "At nearly 44 years of age, he has developed an unseemly Peter Pan quality that indicates his maturation will be just as disturbing as Michael Jackson's. "Magnolia" is the one film in Cruise's holster that displays a talent for searing self-laceration, but we'll probably never know if Cruise even "got" the part, or just created his own intensity on cue."

-On "Superman Returns": "Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor doesn't work any better...he just isn't given much to do. Spacey's Luthor is a venal bastard, but he isn't particularly theatrical or creepy or weird. He's just bald and evil. DP argued before the film that Spacey would make a great Luthor, since Spacey is the most despicable actor in Hollywood. However, the only two quintessentially Spacey-esque things he does are roll his r's when he says "kryptonite" and give a bad performance."

-On "Miami Vice": "All of these deficiencies in acting, writing, and story and character development would have been forgivable if only Mann had brought some life to the party. But other than devising new and clever ways for people to get shot in the head and a handful of stunning, Lucas-ian take-off and landing shots, Mann seems completely enervated." (while compiling these quotes, I noticed that I've used the word "Lucas-ian" at least half dozen times over the course of the year, always pejoratively)

-On "Scoop": "The jokes fall flat one right after the other. Woody Allen just isn't funny anymore, and yet he won't stop making frothy gimmick comedies. I realized after watching "Scoop" that if I were to make a list of Allen's worst 5 films, 4 of them would be from this decade."

-On "Lady in the Water": "Shyamalan forgoes casting himself in a small, boring role by casting himself in a large, boring role. "Lady" made me realize that while other filmmakers have an obvious visual style or thematic obsession, no other director has such a defined ACTING style as Shyamalan...not even Mamet's films are this rigid. Everyone in "Lady" speaks in that same pause-heavy, hushed awe that we've come to expect (and dread) from Shyamalan. His attempts at humanity make Spielberg seem like a man of the people, and his "humor" is essentially one vicious racial stereotype after another."

-On "Lady in the Water" again: "When the Narf is threatened by her natural enemies, Heap attempts to protect her by forming a team of role-players (a healer, a guardian, members of a guild, etc.) from among the apartment's quirky denizens. This dominates the second half of the film, but the problem is that we never care about any of this guild or guardian bullshit."

-On "Tristan and Isolde": "Nothing particularly wrong...but not much right about it, either."

-On "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift": "In Tokyo, Black finds himself involved with an underground drift racing cult. Black's father forbids him from racing, but Black starts to gain a reputation as a good racer. After a few more races, one of his friends is killed in a race, and Black needs to find a way out of the racing gang's clutches. The solution: a race!"

-On "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest": "'Dead Man's Chest' - NOT a reference to Keira Knightley's bosom."

-On "Clerks 2": "Ever since his debut with "Clerks" in 1994, Kevin Smith has been working up to a sort of competence, which he achieves with "Clerks 2". I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing."

-On Little Richard's appearance on "The Drew Carey Show": "After a few lines of awkward banter, Little Richard asks Drew if they can go "jam" in his backyard. I perked up, assuming that "backyard jam" was some sort of euphemism for a bisexual orgy, but they just went outside the house to play a song."

-On Jessica Biel's butt: "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!!"

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Well, that just about gets us up to date, and then some. I've enjoyed looking back on the first year of The Barnesyard, and dreaming about what lies ahead. I can't say exactly what direction The Barnesyard will take over the next year, but rest assured that most of my efforts will continue to focus on paying bums to fight each other, then posting videos of it on my blog.

Good night, and God bless.

Great Ones

2006-09-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

In the time between the first issue of The Barnesyard on August 30, 2005 and last Tuesday, August 30, 2006, I watched 303 movies, 232 of them for the first time. Here are the top 10 films I've seen for the first time since starting The Barnesyard in August 2005:

1) Seconds (Dir.: John Frankenheimer)

2) "The 400 Blows" (Dir.: Francois Truffaut) I had stomach poisoning the week I watched this one, so I never got around to writing a review. Rest assured that it's fucking brilliant, with a perceptive eye and ear for adolescent behavior, especially the impulsive flight from authority and constraint.

3) Ugetsu Monogatari (Dir.: Kenzi Mizoguchi)

4) The Squid and the Whale (Dir.: Noah Baumbach; look at the bottom of the post for the "Squid" review)

5) "La Strada" (Dir.: Fellini) Review still in the works.

6) Shock Corridor (Dir.: Sam Fuller)

7) "Knife in the Water" (Dir.: Roman Polanski) See #5.

8) 5X2 (Dir.: Francois Ozon)

9) "Bad Day at Black Rock" (Dir.: John Sturges) See #7.

10) A Canterbury Tale (Dir.: Michael Powell)

Here are the top 3 documentaries I watched for the first time:

1) Jim Brown: All-American (Dir.: Spike Lee)
2) Murderball (Dir.: Henry Alex Rubin/Dana Adam Shapiro)
3) The Devil and Daniel Johnston (Dir.: Jeff Feuerzeig)

*********

Don't forget to submit your Dare Daniel suggestions ASAP. Just post to the comments page.

Up next: Box office predictions and the final installment of "Love Letters".

NOW ACCEPTING DARE DANIEL SUGGESTIONS

2006-08-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

Due to an overwhelming avalanche of demand (OK, two people, but in the blogosphere that actually qualifies as an avalanche), I am bringing back that hoary old bit, the Dare Daniel. The idea is that you dare me to watch the shittiest piece of shit that's ever been shit, and then I watch the sucker and write a review. Some of the past Dare Daniel films have included:

-She Hate Me
-Malibu's Most Wanted
-Radio
-Dirty Love
-Uptown Girls
-Krippendorf's Tribe
-Marci X
-Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

So you get the idea. I limit my selections to movies that I've never seen, which means "Northfork" and "Breakfast of Champions" are disqualified, thank God. Post your suggestions in the Comments page and I'll pick a winner on Monday morning.

Speaking of great films, I'm going to be reviewing a movie called "Karate Dog" for an upcoming SN&R issue.

Love Letters, Volume 4

2006-08-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

-On "Uptown Girls": "Murphy plays the insufferable trust fund daughter of a famous dead rocker -- when the money runs dry, she gets a job as a nanny for Fanning, the equally insufferable daughter of a music industry bigwig. The gag is that Murphy is an adult who acts like a child while Fanning is a child who acts too grown up, but since you'd rather see either one of them run over by a tractor than say, watch them star in a romantic comedy-drama, the tension goes a bit limp."

-On "Uptown Girls" again: "Oh, and did I mention that there are wall-to-wall songs, and that they're all terrible, folksy, AOR-lite tripe that make James Blunt look like Tom Waits?"

-On the made-for-TV movie "Little Richard": "The great rock-and-roll pioneer/scripture-quoting orgyist has his edges sanded down so severely he's pretty much an effete, piano-playing neuter...The movie was executive-produced by Little Richard, which may explain the soft bulbs in the spotlight. Over-involvement by the subject and/or their families accounts for the gentile, quasi-inspiring treatment of most modern biopics, but the idea that the story of a poor kid overcoming the odds to reach super-stardom and spiritual fulfillment is more entertaining than watching Little Richard act like a monstrously egotistical, salvation-minded lunatic-pervert for 90 minutes is a fallacy of the highest order."

-On the made-for-TV movie "Little Richard" again: "The Quasar's live shows were legendary, but Townsend shoots them with all the electric energy and excitement of a Madison, Wisconsin dinner theatre production of "Smokey Joe's Cafe". My favorite scene showed a pre-fame Little Richard scraping by as a dishwaher -- he's asked to take out the trash, and lugs what appears to be an empty can out to the curb. Apparently, the production wasn't budgeted for GARBAGE."

-On the made-for-TV movie "Little Richard" one last time: "I used to have the same complex of Richard Peddleman. Growing up I always dated taller girls. They had bigger hands promoting the appearance of a little richard. Till I met this midget chick, well she was more like a dwarf. She played a male oompa loompa when I was working as a grip on the set of a movie. It was when I let her have a grip that I let my complex go. Wrecked 'em? Dang near killed 'er." (actually, this was cribbed from a Netflix review by one Spoogy Spoog, who we can only assume is Richard Roeper's Internet nom de guerre)

-On "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction": "While promoting "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction", Sharon Stone repeatedly promised that the second film would answer all leftover questions from the first. However, the only pertinent question to this inane, boring sequel is "How low will a washed-up former A-lister sink in order to land one last huge paycheck?" I don't have any exact figures on that one, but I'm pretty sure you'd need a backhoe to get there."

-On "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction" again: "Nothing that follows the opening scene held my interest for a moment -- "Basic Instinct 2" is essentially a made-for-Showtime movie that would show at 2:35 a.m., but with LESS sex."

-On "The Ice Harvest": "The script was by Robert Benton and Richard Russo, and it's a squirrely-cynical, character-driven noir that would have sat quite well in the late 1960's/early 1970's. However, Harold Ramis shoots "The Ice Harvest" like it's a broad comedy, playing up the slapstick and lighting the movie like a Christmas tree. It just goes to show: there are no more Don Siegels and Sam Peckinpahs out there -- hell, there aren't even any more Robert Bentons!"

-On Jesse: "I'm not sure exactly what sort of bleak dystopia would result if only Jesse voted in every election, but The Terrorists would pretty much have their run of the joint, that much I can assure you."

-On "The Da Vinci Code": "Long and boring."

-On "Cocktail": "Tom Cruise is a victim of some of the worst hair continuity in the history of film...it's never blow-dried the same way in successive shots."

-On "Memoirs of a Geisha": "The movie looks gorgeous even when it probably shouldn't -- as a director, Rob Marshall's only discernible aesthetic is "pretty". It works, to a point, but the more disturbing aspects of the story are all prettied up, too."

-On rock and roll: "My true belief about Rock 'n' Roll -- and there have been a lot of phrases attributed to me over the years -- is this: I believe this kind of music is demonic. I have seen the rock groups and the punk-rock people in this country. And some of their lyrics are demonic. They talk against God. A lot of the beats in music today are taken from voodoo, from the voodoo drums. If you study music in rhythms, like I have, you'll see that this is true. I believe that kind of music is driving people from Christ. It is contagious." (OK, that was Little Richard, but he speaks for me on this issue)

-On "Thank You For Smoking": "This is the sort of "independent", issues-driven film that is frequently referenced whenever someone is arguing against the shallow bombast of Hollywood products like "Mission: Impossible III", but Jason Reitman's "Thank You For Smoking" is infinitely more phony and glib than the average Tom Cruise smirk-and-explosion-fest. It's the sort of "cynical" satire that just isn't cynical enough to make it in this day and age."

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Up next: The Top 10 Films I've Seen For the First Time Since Starting The Barnesyard, with links to my original reviews.

At the Movies

2006-08-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

What was that about?

Speaking of Biel, she's in "The Illusionist" with Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti, which opens in Sac tomorrow.

The Tower is getting "Quinceneara". At the multiplexes, there's Jason Statham in "Crank", a basketball film with Wayne Brady called "Crossover", Neil LaBute's "The Wicker Man" remake, the rom-com "Trust the Man", Elisha Cuthbert in her underwear, no doubt, in "The Quiet", and something called "Stormbreaker". You got me on that one.

"Gremlins" plays at 10pm tonight at UA Arden. Davis is showing "This is Spinal Tap", and UA Roseville has "The Fifth Element".

Copping a Biel

2006-08-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!!!

Coming up: Non-booty-based film criticism, I promise.

Love Letters, Vol. 3

2006-08-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

THE BARNESYARD...

-On "Elektra": "The most frustrating thing about “Elektra” is that any potentially interesting ideas are disposed of as soon as they’re introduced (e.g., Elektra’s red leather bustier, which makes only a cameo appearance), while the most uninteresting aspects are dwelled upon endlessly . In one scene that is particularly indicative of the film’s general insipidness, the main bad guy passes up several opportunities to kill Elektra, instead choosing to terrorize her with flying sheets."

-On "V For Vendetta": "As they fall in love, we're supposed to feel the tragic-romantic pull of "The Phantom of the Opera" or "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" -- but since, as I mentioned before, V looks like a clown wearing a Zorro costume, it's too risible to register emotionally."

-On "Dirty Love": Jenny McCarthy has provided the first powerful argument in favor of the reinstatement of public crucifixions for at least the last two millenia."

-On "Dirty Love" again: "Only one of the grossout scenes truly comes out of left field. Rebecca picks up a stranger in a cafe, and they head to his house. He gives her some drugs, leaves the room, and goes to the refrigerator. Feeling horny, she wanders into the bedroom, where she finds the man on all fours with a fish stuck halfway up his rectum, screaming, "Touch my bass!". You really don't see it coming. As I said before, I can't recall another scene of anal-fish penetration in the history of the cinema (although I understand many of D.W. Griffith's early films are lost forever, so who knows), which means we can chalk another point up for the good ol' USA. This really makes up for that World Baseball Classic bullshit."

-On "Dirty Love" yet again: "As McCarthy's body-waxer best friend, Carmen Electra wears several different hairstyles and speaks in a fake hip-hop patois -- pretty weak stuff, but considering the competition, I'm going to go ahead and count that as an acting performance."

-On "Dirty Love" one last time: "How bad is "Dirty Love"? Towards the end, the band Sum 41 shows up at a nightclub to play a song, and it's the unquestionable highlight of the film. I swear to God, it felt like Tylenol kicking in."

-On "Infernal Affairs": "The story has moments of high intensity and style, the performances feel sincere, and the whole picture is fast and shiny, but I could never figure out why everyone didn't piece the mystery together in eleven seconds. The movie sets up the fact that they're all from the same youth gang, yet the crime lord and his cop-mole never recognize the undercover cop, and vice versa. I couldn't decide whether this was a genuine plot hole, a Bunuel-ian mind fuck, or if I was just an idiot. Let me make this clear -- I do not like movies that make me feel like an idiot (I'm talking to you, Peter Greenaway!)."

-On "Elizabethtown": "Bloom is an uncomfortable fit in the role, and almost instantly unlikable -- he's a good-looking kid, but he has a flat, pallid acting style that suggests he's fit only for playing anal-retentive elves. On the plane to Elizabethtown, Drew meets Claire, a wry, flirty stewardess played by Kirsten Dunst -- Claire is essentially a steroidal version of the Kate Hudson character from "Almost Famous". Dunst is an OK actress, but she doesn't have a prayer saddled with Crowe's leaden dialogue. Claire does nothing but spout aphorisms and display cutesy tics -- she fairly assaults us charm."

-On "Happy New Year": "The film is really a showcase for Peter Falk, who spends the entire film squeezing himself in and out of layers of prosthetic makeup -- his numerous scenes in drag might make you long for the documentary-like realism of "Mrs. Doubtfire".

-On "Kuffs": "The film scores points for making its lead, who periodically talks to the camera like we're all best buds, into the smarmiest, most uncharming and contemptible human being possible, but loses points for everything else."

-On The Poor Man's Paul Walker: "It appeared that we had hit a dead end, but then Andy remembered that several years back, Paul Walker was one of the rumored finalists for the then-coveted role of Anakin Skywalker in the last two Star Wars prequels. Suddenly, the answer became crystal clear: at heart, Paul Walker is the poor man's Hayden Christiansen. When one considers the utterly unmenacing ennui that Christiansen brought to the role of Darth Vader, it's almost staggering to imagine how insanely terrible Walker would have been in the role. Andy pulled out his graphing calculator and compass, and quickly concluded that a Paul-Walker-as-Anakin-Skywalker scenario would yield a performance 3.1 times as bad as Christiansen's, a number previously considered unthinkable (experts in the field have frequently talked about the mythical "3" barrier). Needless to say, the boys got pretty excited when they heard the news; we celebrated our discovery all through the night, and the weed and mushrooms flowed like...well, like weed and mushrooms."

-On The Terrorists: "We're gonna stick a boot up your ass."

The Top 10 Directors of the Last 10 Years

2006-08-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was wondering which directors would be considered the great filmmakers of our time. That's why last week, while Dub was visiting from Chicago, we compiled our lists of the top 10 directors of the last 10 years. I don't have Dub's list with me, so hopefully he will post his picks in the comments page...his list looks a little different from mine (unlike me, he included documentary filmmakers), but we chose the same top three directors in exactly the same order.

My list was compiled using a loosely applied mathematical formula that assigns 5 points for a great film and 2 points for a good film, while penalizing directors 1/2 point for a bad movie and subtracting 1 full point for a flat-out stinker - only movies released between 1996 and 2006 were considered. After tallying the results, I used my gut and common sense to determine the final order. The mathematical formula is built on a bit of a fallacy, since certain directors get penalized for not making enough movies in the 10-year time span. For example, while Spike Jonze might just be the most talented filmmaker of the last decade, his two films were not enough to make the cut here. However, if Mr. Jonze would quit twiddling his thumbs for five seconds and make a fucking movie already, he wouldn't be in this mess. The list rewards the directors who work, and rightly so. Without further ado, my list of the top 10 directors of the last 10 years is open for debate:

1) Paul Thomas Anderson (ESPECIALLY: Magnolia; Boogie Nights; Punch-Drunk Love)

2) Alexander Payne (ESPECIALLY: About Schmidt; Election)

3) Joel Coen (ESPECIALLY: Fargo; The Big Lebowski; The Man Who Wasn't There; DESPITE: O Brother, Where Art Thou; Intolerable Cruelty)

4) Pedro Almodovar (ESPECIALLY: Live Flesh; Talk to Her; Bad Education)

5) Todd Solondz (ESPECIALLY: Welcome to the Dollhouse; Happiness; Storytelling)

6) Wes Anderson (ESPECIALLY: Rushmore; Bottle Rocket; The Royal Tenenbaums; DESPITE: the slippery slope)

7) Peter Jackson (ESPECIALLY: the one with all the hobbits; DESPITE: King Kong)

8) Quentin Tarantino (ESPECIALLY: Jackie Brown; Kill Bill, Vol. 1; DESPITE: his perpetual state of Orson Welles-esque semi-retirement)

9) Richard Linklater (ESPECIALLY: Before Sunset; School of Rock; Tape; A Scanner Darkly)

10) Christopher Nolan (ESPECIALLY: Memento; Insomnia; the great promise)

With sincerest apologies to Steven Soderbergh, Neil LaBute, David Cronenberg, Spike Jonze, Sofia Coppola, Spielberg, Scorsese, Woody Allen, Altman, and all the other talented filmmakers of the past decade who didn't make the cut. Who else did I leave out?

Love Letters, Volume 2

2006-08-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

THE BARNESYARD...

-On "Agnes of God": "The movie only grows more solemnly ridiculous as it goes along -- under hypnosis, Tilly claims that God sired her child, then admits to the baby's murder. In the next scene, she is acquitted for the crime of manslaughter. Is that a law in Canada? Kill your baby, claim it was immaculately conceived, admit to the crime...and you're off scot-free? Is that it goes down up there?"

-On "Newsies": "The lead character is a handsome orphan-wastrel with a yearning in his heart for something greater -- in this sense, "Newsies" resembles Disney's animated "Aladdin", except instead of magic lamp there's labor union strife, and instead of a genie there's pre-pubescent boys walking around with their shirts off."

-On "Newsies": "I don't why the HECK people say that this movie has a boring plot. What's boring about it? The charming newsies change the world! Well, at least their world. It's a great story." (actually, this quote was borrowed from an anonymous Netflix reviewer)

-On "Walk the Line": "At one point, a drug-addicted Cash is seen crashed out in a dingy apartment with Waylon Jennings, yet somehow this is depicted as a LOW POINT in the singer's life!"

-On "A Walk in the Clouds: "Movies like "A Walk in the Clouds" always get tagged as "old-fashioned", but I resent that label since it implies that old movies are all boring, stupid, and morally simplistic."

-On "Krippendorf's Tribe": "Krippendorf's first order of business involves faking a circumcision ritual using his 4 year-old son as bait. This "comic" sequence is so prolonged and atonally disturbing that I wished I could go back in time to assassinate D.W. Griffith and make sure that narrative film could never happen. When Krippendorf shows his circumcision footage to the public, it causes a huge sensation that has network execs clamoring at his door for more footage. It makes sense, because we all know how popular penis mutilation is with the general public these days."

-On "Krippendorf's Tribe" again: "At this point, the film took on the tone of a waking nightmare, culminating in a scene where Krippendorf (in full tribal regalia) humps Tom Poston's leg for no discernible reason."

-On "Melinda and Melinda": "Woody Allen is perhaps my favorite filmmaker of all time, so it pains me to say this, but: STOP. Woody, please, just stop making movies." (note: he didn't listen)

-On Peter Jackson's "King Kong": "Jackson's remake tells essentially the exact same story as Merian C. Cooper and Ernest Schoedsack's original giant ape film, and yet that film was barely an hour and a half long. I guess Jackson could have pared his film down to a lean 90 minutes, but then he would have had to cut out all the BULLSHIT!!!"

-On Peter Jackson's "King Kong" again: "There's a reason the studio decided to show so much of the ape in the trailer -- everything else in the film is crap-lousy and boring as hell, a dawdling, shabby mess of needless characters, Lucas-ian low humor, and blank stares passing for emotional heft."

-On Peter Jackson's "King Kong" one more time: "Around this time, we are introduced to the character of Jimmy, a young sailor on the steamer. We get Jimmy's life story, watch Jimmy's courage tested, we hear about Jimmy's need for a good education, get Jimmy's thoughts on "Heart of Darkness" in an impromptu book club meeting on the tramp steamer. Jimmy this, Jimmy that, Jimmy the other. Save Jimmy, where's Jimmy?, is Jimmy alright?, blah fucking blah. All the while, I'm thinking, "Jimmy? Who gives a flying set of fucks about JIMMY? Why do they keep...talking...about...JIMMY???!!!" At one point, I leaned over to Darcey and asked, "Eventually, there's a giant monkey who runs around smashing shit, right?" Her reply: "No." For a while there, I feared she might be correct."

-On "Cliffhanger": "Indefensibly idiotic, but let's not hold that against it."

-On "Aeon Flux": "There's not much to say about this movie -- if you don't mind ogling Charlize Theron in skintight leather for 90 minutes, you'll be occasionally amused. I suppose there are worse things you could do with your time than watch "Aeon Flux" -- for example, you could be cooking up methamphetamine or committing acts of genocide."

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More of the same to come.

The Departed

2006-08-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of posts today - yesterday was Barnesyard East correspondent Mike Dub's last night in Sacramento, so we stayed up late to see him off. Thus, I got off to a late start this morning, and found more work than I expected waiting for me at the office. There will be more Love Letters, movie reviews, and assorted goodies later tonight and tomorrow morning, so keep checking back.

In yesterday's analysis of the box office dud "How to Eat Fried Worms", I forgot to mention that Heyamoto reviewed the trailer in Monday's Scene section. The best bit about Heyamoto's movie trailer reviews, besides her general ineptitude and the fact that she's reviewing a movie preview three days after the film was released (a little late for that groundswell of publicity I needed), is that she rates the trailers by assigning a certain number of "dancing popcorn guys" (for example, the "Fried Worms" preview received "three dancing popcorn guys"). However, the Bee neglected to give Heyamoto any sort of "dancing popcorn guy" graphic (SN&R copyright infringement?), so we're just left to imagine what the dancing popcorn character must look like. That's some sub-school paper shit right there.

Love Letters, Volume 1

2006-08-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

As an independent quasi-critic with neither accountability nor credibility, I feel qualified enough to say that mainstream American film criticism is in bad shape. There are entire major metropolitan cities whose movie critics couldn't fill a single nutsac even if they pooled all their balls together. Take The Bee's Carla Meyer (please) as an example: even if she despises a film, it's rarely rated lower than 2 1/2 stars.

Of course, the hinky grade curve is not all Carla's fault (just the sucking) - it's an example of the extent to which advertisers control the editorial content in mainstream papers (in all sections, not just entertainment, unfortunately). A rag like The Bee just isn't going to risk offending the studios that purchase ad space in their entertainment page on a daily basis by running an unqualified bad review with an appropriate grade to match.

This is why mainstream film critics, as much as they piss all over themselves with joyous superlatives when writing a good review (whatever it takes to get quoted in the TV ads, some of which have stooped low enough to include raves from Sacramento's Own Mark S. Allen), can't write a decent pan to save their lives. They tread on eggshells, and cut with a very dull knife. They love easy pickings.

Not so at The Barnesyard. With no advertisers, no ambitions, and a chip on my shoulder the size of North Dakota, The Barnesyard is allowed to eagerly pounce on any film that shows the slighest sign of weakness. I'm like a cheetah in the tall grass. Great movies deserve our undying praise, but terrible movies deserve our undying derision.

Thus, in honor of The Barnesyard's 1st anniversary, I have been compiling some of our choicest first-year snaps in a multi-part retrospective called "Love Letters". Without further ado...

THE BARNESYARD...

-On "Flightplan": "Pity poor Peter Sarsgaard, Sean Bean, Erika Christensen, and the other talented performers forced to sit around watching Jodie Foster's facial muscles tense up for 90 minutes."

-On "The Brown Bunny": "Boring and brainless, it is a monument to self-delusion and audience contempt. Even without the real-time blowjob scene, Vincent Gallo would still be the most repugnant screen presence to come along since Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald stopped making films."

-On "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever": "It seems to begin 20 minutes into the story, with no development, setting, or coherence, and continues as such for the rest of the film...Just saying the title out loud is believed to cause a new form of brain cancer."

-On "The Exorcism of Emily Rose": "I wanted to like "Emily Rose" more than I did, but it is doomed by terminal silliness. A demonic presence seems to be haunting Linney during the trial, and a priest warns her that the case is a lightning rod for dark forces. But all I could think was, why does the Devil care about bad publicity? Have the demons been following the trial on Court TV?"

-On "The Constant Gardener": "Another film in which evil government figures are able to rape, kill, and embezzle with impunity, right up until someone provides evidence of their evil in front of a small gathering of people."

-On "Follow Me Quietly": "The strangest gimmick of the film is the cop's frequent use of a life-size dummy to help identify the serial killer. They have only strands of evidence -- a hat, a description of height and build, a few strands of fiber -- and for some reason, the cop believes that building a big, faceless dummy out of these parts will catch the killer. He has a bizarre obsession with the dummy...It was like Joel Goulet was the chief of police - "There's a killer on the loose -- let's build a puppet!""

-On "Radio": "Honestly, I hate films that center around the nobility of the mentally challenged, because the self-importance of the premise makes you feel like a overly prickly cynic just for hating them (the films, not the mentally challenged). The problem is that you can't help but laugh at a Hollywood actor dressing down and drooling all over himself in order to deliver a "realistic" performance that "honors" the same people he is exploiting."

-On "Domino": ""Domino", with its clusterfuck structure, Hollywood setting, and beautiful nihilist heroes, is so reminiscent of "True Romance" that it serves as a reminder of how much Scott's style has devolved from his earlier smoke-and-mirrors faux-elegance into something completely schizophrenic and nearly unwatchable."

-On "Exit to Eden": "It reminds me of that old saying, "If it bends, it's funny...if it breaks, it isn't funny...and if it stars Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O'Donnell as cops in S&M gear, gouge out your eyes and stick pencils in your ears."

-On "Exit to Eden" again: "Dana Delaney actually looks tired and sad in her green leather bustier, as though she realizes what a career-killer she's got herself into."

-On "Exit to Eden" yet again: "I actually leapt up from my chair and started pacing the room in agitation, raving wildly and eating bugs in a Renfield-like fit of madness. Only the closing credits could calm me down at that point."

-On "Exit to Eden", one last time: "Wouldn't you be bummed if you signed up for a freaky sex island and Rosie O'Donnell was there? You'd want to kill her." (NOTE: DP actually said this, but I sure wish I had)

-On "Thumbsucker": "Finally! A quirky, Indiewood family drama about suburban dysfunction, middle-class shallowness, and the queer bonds of family in which every scene transfer is set to a pop song and every emotional breakthrough culminates in someone walking in slow motion."

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Anyway, you get the idea. I'll be riding this pony into the ground all week.

Up next: More Love Letters and my list of the top 10 films I've seen for the first time since starting The Barnesyard.

How to Eat Humble Pie

2006-08-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

I once again nailed the #1 movie in America to the wall - it was Mark Wahlberg in "Invincible". Much like "Rudy", "The Rookie", and "Remember the Titans", "Invincible" is the latest inspirational underdog sports film "based on a true story" that bears only a passing resemblance to either truth or a story. It won the top spot straightaway, but it's hardly a blockbuster - it pulled down less than $20 million.

I also correctly guessed that "Little Miss Sunshine", which is shaping up to be this year's "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (God help us), would finally penetrate the top 5 as it continues to go wider. However, all of my other predictions turned to shit. My #3 pick was Outkast's "Idlewild", but audiences cared less about seeing their favorite hip-hop stars doing the jitterbug in a Depression-era setting than I ever could have imagined - it finished in ninth.

But the coup de grace of the week was the kid-lit adaptation "How to Eat Fried Worms", which I predicted would finish #2 for the week. I figured "Fried Worms" would duplicate the performance of a film like "Holes", which successfully adapted a popular adolescent novel to the screen. Also, after the out-of-left-field debut of "Step Up" two weeks ago, which flew under my radar when it wasn't advertised during the commercial breaks of any shows that I watch (someone finally told me that ABC Family Channel was pushing "Step Up" like a crack dealer), I assumed that "Fried Worms" was getting promoted during Spongebob Squarepants or some other bullshit. I was wrong...dead wrong - "Fried Worms" didn't even crack the top 10! I screwed the shit out of that pooch.

Here were the actual top 5 films in the country this weekend (with my predictions in parentheses):

1) Invincible (Invincible)
2) Talladega Nights (How to Eat Fried Worms)
3) Little Miss Sunshine (Idlewild)
4) Beerfest (Little Miss Sunshine)
5) Accepted (Talladega Nights)

So I got 3 out of the top 5, including the #1 film in America. Not bad, but I'm still going to put this weekend in my loss column. Opening on Friday: Nic Cage in Neil LaBute's remake of "The Wicker Man" and Jason Statham in the action film "Crank".

Box Office Picks

2006-08-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

Blogger has been acting the fool all day long. I've been trying to log on to mention that yesterday I incorrectly stated that the Tower didn't have anything new this weekend. In fact, they're opening the 1970's soccer doc "Once in a Lifetime". As Jay pointed out, this release is perfectly timed, since everyone was excited about soccer two months ago, and now not even a little bit. Looks entertaining, though.

Here are my picks for the top 5 films this weekend:

1) Invincible
2) How to Eat Fried Worms
3) Idlewild
4) Little Miss Sunshine
5) Talladega Nights

Tough calls all around. We'll see how I did on Monday.

Also, don't forget that Monday kicks off the Barnesyard's 1st Anniversary celebration. There will be frequent updates all week long, so keep checking back.

This Weekend in Movies

2006-08-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

There is a trio of comedies playing at the Thursday night movies tonight - "Groundhog Day" at UA Arden, "Spaceballs" in Roseville, and "Blazing Saddles" in Davis.

There are several smaller films premiering this weekend, which is going to make it difficult to predict the top 5. Will moviegoers prefer Outkast in the Depression-era musical "Idlewild" or Broken Lizard's low comedy in "Beerfest"? Which of the kiddie flick "How to Eat Fried Worms" and the inspirational sports movie "Invincible" will work its demographic magic best? They all look pretty lame (even "Idlewild" to some degree, although it certainly seems there hasn't been anything else like it at the movies this summer), but I have to say that I'm leaning towards Wahlberg in "Invincible"...it's well-timed for release just a couple weeks before the beginning of the football season. Of course, there is also the possibility that all 4 will tank, which may put a slow fader like "Talladega Nights" or a slow builder like "Little Miss Sunshine" in the top spot. I'll have my final predictions on Friday morning.

Tower doesn't have anything new this week. The Crest is opening "District B13", a futuristic French actioner that manages to deliver the goods like no American summer action film of the season without adding an ounce of intellect to the proceedings. Dumb, near-brilliant fun. GRADE: B+

An Exciting Announcement

2006-08-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

I intended to catch up on my movie reviews today, but I'm a little preoccupied with work at the moment. However, I wanted to mention that next week marks the 1-year anniversary of The Barnesyard. It all started on Aug. 30, 2006, with a review of Vincent Gallo's "The Brown Bunny", which I called "the most monstrous display of self-infatuation since Jonestown."

To commemorate the anniversary, all next week we'll be running a vast retrospective and celebration of all things Barnesyard-ian called "The Barnesyard's 1st Anniversary - A Year in Flim". Onanistic delights will abound.

Little Richard in the News

2006-08-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

It seems like Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach has been popping up all over the place these days. First came word that a new string of live shows would have Little Richard playing in both Reno and Cache Creek in late September. If you haven't heard, The Quasar of Rock scored me some sweet second-row tickets, despite the fact that he still refuses to return my calls, never acknowledges me when we pass in the hallway, and, as per our written agreement, "is under no moral, legal, or contractual obligation to cross the street to piss on me if my hair is on fire".

The Patron Saint of Bisexual Orgies has also popped up in the Sac Bee's Names and Faces infotainment page twice this week. The first tidbit announced that Little Richard had signed up to be a judge on Simon Cowell's new show, "Celebrity Duets". It's exactly what it sounds like: C- and D-listers singing karaoke with has-been crooners. Still, a nice format for The Peach.

The second Little Richard-related item reported that the Inventor of Rock and Roll would be performing with his old rival Jerry Lee Lewis on The Killer's upcoming album of all-star duets. Again with the duet-ing, Peach? You're not a partner, you're a star!

At any rate, it appears that the 73 year-old Little Richard, after a brief absence from the public eye, is making a big push to get his face in the spotlight again. I can't help but think that I'm completely responsible for this resurgence.

I am sick and tired of these MOTHERFUCKIN snakes on this MOTHERFUCKIN plane who can't earn a decent first week gross to save their MOTHERFUCKIN lives!

2006-08-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

As per my prediction, "Snakes On a Plane" did open at #1, but weakly. It grossed only $15 million, barely beating "Talladega Nights" in its third week. It seems that most major releases end up earning about three times their first-week gross, which means "Snakes" will likely earn less than $50 million. Did the hype peak too soon (say, six to eight months) or did everyone just decide to wait for the video? In the end, "Snakes" earnings will be seen as a huge disappointment, especially with a prime release date that gave it a two-week cushion on "Talladega Nights" and no other major competition.

As I predicted, bronze medal winner "World Trade Center" had more staying power than "Step Up", which placed fifth. My only major omission was that I once again missed the #2 debut film...I went with the Duff sisters in "Material Girls" (who placed ninth, despite sporting an endorsement from the White Dove Foundation...this begs two questions: 1) Is the White Dove Foundation's influence beginning to dwindle?; 2) What the hell is the White Dove Foundation?), but moviegoers liked "Accepted"...six of one, in my view..the history books will vindicate me. "Little Miss Sunshine" did get a boost from a wider release, but it was only good enough for seventh place. Here is the actual top 5, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Snakes On a Plane (Snakes)
2) Talladega Nights (Talledga Nights)
3) WTC (WTC)
4) Accepted (Step Up)
5) Step Up (Material Girls)

It will be a tough call for next weekend, with the debuts of Outkast's "Idlewild", Mark Wahlberg in "Invincible", Broken Lizard's "Beerfest", and the kids' film "How to Eat Fried Worms".

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I didn't watch any movies this weekend, but after hitting the CA State Fair on Saturday and the Yolo County Fair on Sunday, I feel that I have completed enough research to write my dissertation on the link between beer gardens and shitty blues-rock (since they're always, always linked).

I also watched a little bit of "The Empire Strikes Back" last night. Defenders of the Star Wars prequels have attempted to promote a sinister legend that the original films were never about good stories, solid writing, interesting characterizations, decent acting, or anything resembling watchability, but I tell you it's not true! Cool shit is constantly happening in "Empire Strikes Back"! One of these days, I'm going to write a lengthy essay in which I list and explain every single reason why the original Star Wars movies are great and the prequels are bullshit - I plan to call it "Why the Star Wars Prequels are Bullshit and Everyone Who Likes Them is a Fucking Idiot". The #1 reason that the prequels suck, and I really can't stress this point enough, is all the candy-ass shit. It's just everywhere. The candy-ass shit is going to merit an entire section in my essay, it's that crucial to my thesis.

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Up next: Reviews of new-ish movies.

Box Office Barnesyard

2006-08-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

"Snakes On a Plane" is the horse to bet on this week at the box office - it's a bold attempt to manufacture a grass-roots phenomenon that has already inspired enough insipid "whatever animal" on a "whatever mode of transportation" jokes to make you sick of the whole damn thing. "Snakes" should pull down $40-50 million easy, especially with such lackluster competition: the college slacker comedy "Accepted" and the Duff sisters' "Material Girls" are the only major release competitors...they both look like non-starters to me.

The Crest is opening "Peaceful Warrior" with Nick "Goddamn Eye-talians!" Nolte...it looks terrible. The Tower is opening "Who Killed the Electric Car?", which could be interesting. The further unfurling of "Little Miss Sunshine" on a national level could scooch it in to the top 5...critics and audiences are responding to the film, but I thought it was just OK - it's basically an Indie-wood "National Lampoon's Vacation" with fewer laughs and no Christie Brinkley skinny-dipping scene.

Here are my picks for this week's Top 5 movies:

1) Snakes On a Plane
2) Talladega Nights
3) World Trade Center
4) Step Up
5) Material Girls (could be "Little Miss Sunshine" if it's playing on enough screens)

We'll see how I did next week.

Believe It or Not, These Are Some of the Best Movies of the Summer

2006-08-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

First off, let me say that I was bit harsh on ol' Ron-Ron yesterday. I don't want to come off as some sort of fascist by condemning a guy just for speaking his mind. If it were up to me, the NBA wouldn't be allowed to fine and suspend people just for saying and doing stupid shit...that's downright un-American! This is a free country, and if you want to go in front of a bunch of children as a condition of your community service and claim that you were the hero of the riot you started, go right ahead! But dammit, the NBA does fine and suspend people for saying and doing stupid shit! They do it all the fucking time, and with increasing regularity. That's all I'm saying.

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"Little Miss Sunshine" (2006 - Dir.: Jonathan Dayton/Valerie Faris)

The latest quirky, would-be indie blockbuster, about a family of dysfunctional losers travelling cross-country in a rundown VW bus to a kid's beauty pageant. The actors are good (especially Greg Kinnear as a born failure trying to market himself as a motivational speaker, and Abigail Breslin as the guileless daughter and pageant contestant, so sweet she doesn't even realize what a freakhouse she's been born into), the characters are charming, it loooks good, and there are laughs. That's why I feel like such a grouch for thinking that it was trite, thin, and a little pointless, with one utterly ridiculous plot twist that almost lost me. Some will love it. GRADE: B-

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"Monster House" (2006 - Dir.: Gil Kenan)

The best major studio release of the summer: smart, scary, colorful, and bizarre, yet with an unexpected emotional pull to the story, as three preteen adolescents start to wonder whether the creepy old man across the street has been menacing them or protecting them from an evil presence in his house. The motion capture animation technique may throw some people off (the bodies and camera moves feel real, but the faces are more cartoonish, and aren't made to match the celebrity voice actors like Steve Buscemi, Kevin James, and Jason Lee), but I thought it fit the atmosphere. This one kind of got lost in the glut of animated releases this summer season, but it fell off slowly, which tells me that people generally liked it. They probably should have held the release until October, but it still has the potential to become a perennial Halloween favorite. GRADE: B+

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"Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" (2006 - Dir.: Adam McKay)
Although it has performed well at the box office, I sense a general dissatisfaction with Will Ferrell's NASCAR comedy among the moviegoing public. "Talladega" is a definitely a letdown considering the expectations I had from the "Anchorman" collaborators, but I still think it's funnier than any other movie I've seen this summer. Whether that's an indictment of summer comedies or a celebration of Ferrell and McKay's achievement is anybody's guess, but "Talladega" also featured enough fantastic racing scenes to qualify as one of the better action movies of the season. Part of the problem with "Talladega" might be that they cast a lot of good actors who aren't really known for comedy. Just think what Fred Willard could have done with Michael Clarke Duncan's pit boss, or Christina Applegate with Amy Adams' character. But "Talladega" does have two aces in its hole - Ferrell himself, who still excels a peculiarly American brand of obtuseness, and Sascha Baron Cohen as Ricky Bobby's French rival. Cohen's Jean Gerard is stereotypical, underwritten, and disappears for epic stretches, yet he's always funny, with a line about designing currency for cats and dogs that made me laugh harder than anything else at the movies this year. GRADE: B

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Coming up: more reviews.

Ron Artest: F-ing Retarded?

2006-08-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

While speaking to a group of school children in Detroit today, Kings forward Ron Artest defended his actions in the 2004 brawl at The Palace in Auburn Hills that led to his 1-year suspension from the NBA. That's not so bad, until you realize that Artest was talking to the kids as part of his community service plea bargain for the incident! A choice quote: "Someone started trouble and I ended it." Actually, Ron, if memory serves, it was when you ran into the crowd indiscriminately punching every person you saw after getting hit by a plastic cup that things really got started, and they didn't end until you were escorted off the floor by police officers. Artest's words weren't exactly intelligent for a man who already has an enormous target on him. Kings fans, get ready for Ron-Ron to be spending a lot of time this season sitting out with suspensions.

Little Richard Sings Back Up to No Man

2006-08-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

In my quest to ingest all Little Richard-related media, which has led to me watch such offerings as a "Full House" episode and a made-for-cable movie starring Leon as a de-orgied Georgia Peach (while "de-orgied Georgia Peach" may be a contradiction in terms, it is quite fun to say out loud), I recently TiVo'd an episode of "The Drew Carey Show" in which The Quasar of Rock made a cameo appearance.

I'm not a fan of "The Drew Carey Show", so I flipped through the episode until I reached Little Richard's appearance, which doesn't occur until the last few minutes. The story had something to do with a huge party at Drew's house that drew some luminaries from the Rock and Roll Museum in Cleveland, including Little Richard and Joe Walsh. The joke was that Richard and Walsh were playing chess, which isn't really a joke and thus isn't funny.

After a few lines of awkward banter, Little Richard asks Drew if they can go "jam" in his backyard. I perked up, assuming that "backyard jam" was some sort of euphemism for a bisexual orgy, but they just went in the back of the house to play a song. I was mollified by the understanding that the show would at least end with Little Richard and Joe Walsh butchering one of the Georgia Peach's classic hits.

So which classic Quasar tune do you think they played? "Tutti Frutti"? "Good Golly Miss Molly"? How about "The Girl Can't Help It"? Maybe "Lucille"? Of course, there's always "Ready Teddy". And "Long Tall Sally" isn't too shabby either. But in the end, they decided to go with that old Little Richard chestnut..."Rocky Mountain Way".

Wait a minute, that's a goddam Joe Walsh song! Yes folks, as if simply making an appearance on "The Drew Carey Show" without a sack over your head and a gun in your back isn't humiliating enough for the inventor of rock and roll, he was forced to sing backup to Joe Walsh. Now don't get me wrong: I love Joe Walsh, and I'm always more than ready to rock out to some "Rocky Mountain Way". But the last I heard, there were no new archaelogical excavations of any tablets that proved that Joe Walsh did any of these things -

-Invented rock and roll
-Became "The Patron Saint of Bisexual Orgies"
-Did it with this woman:

Drew Carey owes an apology to Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach for disrespecting him so severely, and to me for making me watch several minutes of his show. Little Richard sings back up to no man.

Fall Preview

2006-08-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Let's face facts...it's been a terrible year for movies. I've seen about 45 films that I would categorize as 2006 films. Here are the top 5 to date:

1) The Devil and Daniel Johnston
2) United 93
3) Why We Fight
4) Hoodwinked
5) District B13

Here are the bottom 3:

1) Basic Instinct 2
2) Scoop
3) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Believe me, there were a lot more worthy candidates for the bottom 3 than there were for the top 5.

But the upcoming Oscar bait season holds a lot of promise. I thoroughly perused Entertainment Weekly's Fall Preview issue, and have compiled a list of my 10 most anticipated movies of the next few months:

-The Black Dahlia (serial murder, sexual intrigue, and a gorgeous blonde in Scarlet Johansson - De Palma, this one's right in your wheelhouse, so don't fuck it up!)

-Borat (I firmly believe that Sascha Baron Cohen is the Peter Sellers of our generation...he always makes me laugh, as evidenced by my tendency to watch "Madagascar" whenever it plays on HBO)

-The Departed (because it's Scorsese)

-For Your Consideration (the latest Christopher Guest and co. improvisation project, about the making of an overhyped independent film)

-The Fountain (FINALLY! Darren Aronofsky's eternally delayed followup to "Requiem For a Dream" is currently slated for a November 22 release)

-The Good German (Steven Soderbergh's black-and-white spy film)

-Marie Antoinette (Sofia Coppola's new wave historial epic could be the love-it-or-hate-it film of the year)

-The Prestige (Chris Nolan's reward for "Batman Begins". On the heels of "The Illusionist", it's another turn-of-the-century story about duelling magicians. It's got a great preview, though)

-Shortbus (John Cameron Mitchell's follow-up to "Hedwig and the Angry Inch". Unrated and semi-pornographic? I'm in.)

-Volver (Pedro Almodovar's Cannes prize winner...I haven't seen a preview, but Penelope Cruz looks stunning on the poster)

ALSO INTRIGUING:

-Babel (Innaritu's followup to "21 Grams")
-Little Children (Todd Field's first movie since "In the Bedroom", adapted from a book by the same author who wrote "Election")
-Stranger Than Fiction (Will Ferrell finds his life is being narrated...supposedly Charlie Kaufman-esque)
-Children of Men (issues-driven, sci-fi actioner by Alfonso Cuaron of "Y Tu Mama Tambien" fame)
-Fast Food Nation (Linklater's narrative take on Eric Schlosser's bestseller)
-Hollywoodland (about the mysterious death of George Reeve, TV's Superman)
-The Hoax (Richard Gere as huckster-author Clifford Irving)
-Fur (whimsical take on Diane Arbus' life, with Kidman as Arbus)
-Dreamgirls (a sure bet for a Best Picture nomination)
-Blood Diamond (DiCaprio stars in Ed Zwick's film about exploitative diamond mines in Africa)
-The Good Shepherd (Robert De Niro's big-budget spy film, his first directing effort since 1993's "A Bronx Tale")
-The Painted Veil (Ed Norton in W. Somerset Maugham adaptation)
-Breaking and Entering (new Anthony Minghella movie)
-Infamous (the other Truman Capote movie)
-This Film is Not Yet Rated (Kirby Dick's expose of the ratings industry)
-The Science of Sleep (Michel Gondry's fantastical film, pushed back from the summer)

FIVE I WOULDN'T TOUCH WITH A TEN FOOT POLE

-The Guardian (sort of like "Top Gun", except with Ashton Kutcher instead of Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner in place of Tom Skerrit, diving in place of flying, and fucking lame instead of cool)

-Jet Li's Fearless (you lost me at "Jet Li's")

-Man of the Year (the thought of a Robin Williams comedy in which he plays the president would be enough to drive me to drink...don't worry, Williams claims he'll be out of rehab in time to promote this tripe)

-A Good Year (Russell Crowe gets sentimental)

-The Pursuit of Happyness (ditto for Wil Smith)

REMAKES AND SEQUELS

Notable remakes include Neil Labute's "The Wicker Man", the long, long, loooong-delayed "All the King's Men" (which stars every single person who has been nominated for or won an award in the last fifteen years), Todd Phillip's "School For Scoundrels" (a remake of a 1960 British comedy), Scorsese's "The Departed" (adapting "Infernal Affairs" to America), "Black Christmas", new takes on "My Friend Flicka" and "Charlotte's Web"; and new 3-d versions of "Night of the Living Dead" and "Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas")

Here are the sequels, a pretty ugly lot:

-Jackass 2
-The Grudge II
-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (no Biel, no Barnesyard)
-Saw III
-The Santa Clause III
-49 Up (the 7th entry in Michael Apted's documentary series)
-Casino Royale (Daniel Craig's Bond debut)
-Rocky Balboa (Number six! We did it, baby!)
-Van Wilder Deux (this is not a joke, although if it were, it would no doubt be funnier than anything in "Van Wilder Deux")

I hope you all see something you like.

Close Calls, But Could Have Used a "Step Up"

2006-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty decent week predicting the U.S. box office results, with one glaring omission. I guessed correctly that "Talladega" would fend off all comers to hang on to the #1 spot. However, I didn't have a clue that the dance movie "Step Up" would barely best the weekend's other big debut, Oliver Stone's ballyhooed "World Trade Center", to steal 2nd place (although I'm fairly sure "Step Up" played on fewer screens, which makes it all the more convincing). I didn't even put "Step Up" in my top 5 for the week, mostly because I never even seen a single advertisement for it (can I assume they were promoting the movie during the commercial breaks of shows I would never watch, thus invalidating it as an artistic achievement?).

The Japanese horror remake "Pulse", which I picked to finish third, barely held on to the fifth spot, and its gross was less than half of that of "Step Up". On a brighter note, the fifth-place finish of "Pulse" means that "Pirates 2" was bumped out of the top 5 for the first time since it premiered over a month ago (the movie will inevitably top $400 million, which proves America's insatiable craving for complete crap...for another example, did you know that "Step Up" was the #2 movie in America this week? No bullshit, "Step Up"!). On a brighter note, I guessed correctly that "Zoom" was a non-starter, despite the presence of Tim Allen above the title ("The Santa Clause 3" can not come out soon enough for that guy...by the way, "The Santa Clause 3" will be hitting theaters this fall).

Anyway, here was the real top 5:

1) Talladega Nights (23 mil)
2) Step Up (21 mil)
3) World Trade Center (19 mil...terrorists, you win again)
4) Barnyard (10 mil)
5) Pulse (8.5 mil)

So I picked 4 of the 5 films, including the #1...not bad, but I've had better weeks.

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I received my Fall Preview issue of Entertainment Weekly this weekend, and sometime in the next couple of days I plan to publish my list of the 10 most anticipated movies of the fall/winter season. However, on the subject of box office grosses, there was a baffling sidebar piece in the same issue on Will Ferrell. The piece heralded Ferrell for the strong performance of "Talladega Nights", but mostly lauded him for returning to form after a series of post-"Anchorman" "flops" that "tanked" at the box office. First of all, it's an ridiculous stretch to label "The Producers" and "Curious George" as "Will Ferrell movies". Second, the two other "flops" were "Kicking and Screaming" and "Bewitched", which grossed $53 mil and $63 mil, respectively. Those grosses actually aren't too shabby, considering that "Kicking" was a formulaic kiddie-sports comedy that featured Mike Ditka as the 3rd lead, and that "Bewitched" was a shoddily made adaptation of a semi-popular TV show that had no inherent appeal beyond Ferrell's mugging and Nicole Kidman's sweet, sweet heinie. By comparison, "Miami Vice", another semi-obscure TV adaptation, cost twice as much and has grossed slightly less - whatever the criteria for defining a "flop" is these days, "Miami Vice" meets it hands down.

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Up next: Movie news, Little Richard news, and hecka reviews, including "Talladega Nights", "Monster House", and "World Trade Center".

This Week's Box Office Picks

2006-08-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I see a tight race for the top spot this weekend between the debut of Oliver Stone's "World Trade Center" and the 2nd week of "Talladega Nights", both performing in the $20-25 million range. The other movies premiering this week are the horror film "Pulse", the dance movie "Step Up", the kiddie-fx flick "Zoom", and a wider run for "Little Miss Sunshine". My most anticipated movie for the weekend is Cedric Klapisch's "Russian Dolls", a sequel to his underrated and very charming "L'Auberge Espagnole". At any rate, here's what the top 5 should look like:

1) "Talladega Nights"
2) "World Trade Center"
3) "Pulse"
4) "Barnyard"
5) "Pirates 2"

We'll see how I did on Monday.

Another Good Week Predicting the Box Office

2006-08-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

The Barnesyard had another solid week predicting the box office - once again, I picked all films in the top 5 (albeit in a slightly jumbled order) and the #1 film. I correctly assumed that "Talladega Nights" would run away with it, although it fell slightly below my $60 million prediction. Contrary to my predictions, the animated feature "Barnyard" bested the British horror import "The Descent" for the 2nd highest debut, but I have to assume that "Descent" was hampered by showing on far fewer screens. History is going to vindicate me on that one.

Here was the actual top 5 films in the country, with my picks in parentheses:

1) Talladega (Talladega)
2) Barnyard (The Descent)
3) Pirates 2 (Pirates 2)
4) Miami Vice (Barnyard)
5) The Descent (Miami Vice)

Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. We'll see if "Talladega" has the staying power to hold off Oliver Stone's "World Trade Center", the kiddie-fx flick "Zoom", and the horror film "Pulse" this weekend. Comedies usually fade slower than other genre films, but I get the feeling that "Talladega" is disappointing viewers, although I liked it (full review to come).

The Final Slap?

2006-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

The first slap in the face came when Roger Ebert continued on TV with a duelling critic format just months after Gene Siskel's death. It got worse when Ebert selected the incomparably featherweight Richard Roeper to replace Siskel. The insult got deeper and deeper as we watched Roeper slowly supplant Ebert as "the good one". But the final and most severe slap in the face came last week, when it was announced that celebrity guest critics such as Jay Leno and Kevin Smith would be replacing Ebert during his recuperation. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, instead of filling Ebert's spot with an actual critic, the only nationally syndicated movie discussion show in America has filled his spot with industry professionals, including one man whose entire career is predicated on getting celebrities to come on his late-night talk show to promote their crap-lousy movies! Roeper and Leno - I'm predicting a thumbs-up fest.

Leno's episode aired last night, but I couldn't bring myself to watch, and can't find any information on the web about their ratings. Of course, Leno and Smith can't be much worse than Ebert has been of late. Barnesyard East correspondent Mike Dub recently pointed out that Ebert gave 3-star reviews to "Van Helsing", "Cheaper By the Dozen 2", and "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties", and that his original 1967 review of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" doled out only 2 1/2 stars. This means that Roger Ebert actually believes that "Van Helsing", "Cheaper By the Dozen 2", and "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties" are superior to "Butch Cassidy and the Fucking Sundance Kid" (let's just think about that for a moment...............wow).

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More to come, including my review of "Talladega Nights".

Last Thoughts on "Miami Vice"

2006-08-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have one more thing to say about "Miami Vice" before I banish it to the land of wind and shadows for eternity. Last night, I figured out a quick and easy way that Mann and co. could have saved the film, or at least made it into some decent trash.

It's so simple, I'm surprised it never occurred to anyone. Obviously, Colin Farrell, in both performance and appearance, were my biggest problem with the film - after the first half-hour, it's his film, and he's terrible. Ever since "Alexander", I've noticed that Farrell's technique for covering up his thick Irish accent is to pile on four or five other accents. In "Miami Vice", Farrell displays traces of his Irish accent, but there's also some Southern, some Mexican, and a bit of Texas in there. His ineptitude with accents rivals that of Costner.

I would like to have seen Farrell flat-out replaced, but I understand that name-brand stars who are available and willing to commit to a long and costly shoot are hard to come by. But once they had Farrell on board, why not just make his character Irish? It's a simple fix, one line of dialogue (instead of "Did you ever hear of The Allman Brothers?", have Sonny ask, "Did you ever hear of The Commitments?"). You cut his hair, shave him down to a stubble, and then Farrell just gets to be himself - he's already a bit slimy, so why make him ugly as well? His performance would be significantly less stiff, the chemistry between him and the other actors would have probably improved as well (while we're changing history, let's also replace Gong Li with Eva Mendes), and there wouldn't be so many bad accents to distract from people getting shot in the face. Ah, the movie that never was.

Now lets never speak of this again.

This Week in Movies

2006-08-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

I was all set to write this post 5 hours ago, but real life in the form of the Michigan budget intruded. Anyway, here's what's going on in the Sacramento movie world this week:

-At the Thursday night movies, it's another Barnesyard 102 pick at UA Arden with "Reservoir Dogs"; "Office Space" plays in Davis.

-"Heart of the Game" opens at the Tower. If a low-budget documentary about girl's high school basketball doesn't save the Tower Theater, nothing can. Parker Posey in "The Oh in Ohio" debuts at the Crest. Both movies look boring, but could be alright. They'll be fast faders.

-The spelunking horror flick "The Descent" and Robin Williams' "The Night Listener" are both going to the multiplexes. Either one could crack the top 5, but I'm not sure how wide their release is.

-"The Barnyard", not based on this blog, is also opening - more cartoon overload...it'll tank. "Talladega Nights" will be your champion - a demographics wet dream. The top 5 should look something like this:

1) Talladega Nights (in the $60-70 million range)
2) The Descent
3) Pirates 2
4) Barnyard
5) Miami Vice

We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

Vice Redux

2006-08-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

I re-watched "Miami Vice" at the drive-in last night, and I am considering a slight raise in the grade. Perhaps not surprisingly, the film vastly improves when one-fifth of the screen is lopped off, the movie is out-of-focus, and the dialogue is completely inaudible. But that's the magic of the drive-in! Pretty much anything becomes watchable, so it's hard to gauge whether the movie improved or just the experience. I'm sure that if I were able to light up a joint, yell things at the screen, and stare at the stars for ten minutes when I first watched "Miami Vice" in the theater, it would have been a more enjoyable film.

But somehow, I feel like I got what Mann was going after better the second time around. Not hearing the dialogue actually helps clarify the story (there's actually a ton of dialogue in "Miami Vice", but it's all would-be hardboiled techno-jargon or endless, aimless chatter) - the opening half hour is actually pretty good filmmaking. Sonny and Rico are monosyllabic ciphers because their job requires it - they commit crimes in order to fight crime, they move drugs in order to stop the drug flow. The first third of the movie gives a pretty good look into this line of work - the way that the plan is continually changing, and how Sonny and Rico are forced to improvise and compromise in return.

"Miami Vice" actually goes wrong with the introduction of the Gong Li character. Up to this point, Mann had been setting up a solid genre film, but when Li comes onscreen, the movie goes into a coma. It becomes Li and Farrell's film, but the two actors deliver flat performances with zero chemistry. Farrell is flat-out terrible, but what else is new? His hair should be shot, and yet Mann incessantly fetishizes it - there are several scenes where Farrell is either putting it in or pulling it out of his double ponytail. Li, beautiful as she is, is no better than Farrell, and her lack of felicity with the English language doesn't help sell Mann's labored prose (she might even be sub-Audrey Tautou in "The Da Vinci Code" in that respect). These two characters are given no other reason for their destructive relationship than insatiable, seething love, and yet there's no spark between the two. You get the feeling that Li probably thought Farrell was a creep. They gaze at each other with a look of blank constipation that is unintentionally hilarious. Jamie Foxx is OK, but he's barely in it - Tubbs is a true sidekick here, only on hand to explain the plot to Sonny.

Like I said before, I've never seen the TV show "Miami Vice", but it seems to me that a big part of the appeal was watching cool guys driving sweet rides while listening to sweet tunes. Much of the film is a celebration of watching people driving things, be they car, boat, plane, or helicopter, and Mann gets some beautiful shots out of it (I probably underrated the cinematography in my first review). But it's the only part of the equation he nailed - the guys aren't cool and the tunes fucking suck. The Miami location is incidental, except in its proximity to other, more exotic locales...Miami is practically a ghost town here, and Mann doesn't even make use of Miami Heat star Dwayne Wade, even though everyone knows he's The Next Jordan. I still think "Miami Vice" is a boring movie, but it's not quite as unwatchable as I first thought. I'll bump it up to a solid C.

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"Clerks 2" (2006 - Dir.: Kevin Smith)

Ever since his debut film "Clerks" in 1994, Kevin Smith has been working up to a sort of competence, which he achieves with "Clerks 2". I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing. There are laughs, but they're not regular, and the film lacks a certain rough-hewn spark that made the first "Clerks" fun. Twelve years on, Dante and Randal are still working at the same convenience store, but after a fire demolishes the place, they take jobs at the local burger joint...somewhat amusing hijinks follow. It's typical Smith - freely offensive raunch tempered with moments of true sincerity. Some bits are funny, some come close, some go splat. As Dante, Brian O'Halloran's strained sincerity grows tiresome fast. But as Randal, Jeff Anderson actually buckles down and does some decent acting. Smith does stage one great scene, in which Rosario Dawson dances on the burger joint's rooftop to The Jackson 5's "ABC" while wearing a tank top - it's the bounciest movie moment of the summer. GRADE: C+

Of "Vice" and Mann

2006-07-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

"Dear Mr. Hater,

I would like to cancel my subscription to The Barnseyard and instead sign up to receive your competitor's Blog. I see that Film for Tourists is giving the summer's greatest achievement, Miami Vice, the attention that it deserves. All the while, you either ignore the film, talk about how it cost too much, or predict that it will suck ass."

-Brian, last week on the Comments page

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"Miami Vice" (2006 - Dir.: Michael Mann)

I never watched the seminal 1980's Don Johnson/Philip Michael Thomas cop show "Miami Vice", so I don't have any particular sentimentality or bias towards the material. However, I have seen the risible Michael Mann-helmed film adaptation, and I've at least got to assume that the show, no matter how dated by its sockless, pastel style, wasn't quite this boring.

Mann's film is essentially standard undercover cop potboiler trash, except longer, more bloated, and a lot more self-infatuated. Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx star, barely, as a couple of deep cover anti-drug agents who find themselves drawn into the web of a slimy henchman, his mysterious boss, and the boss' sexy wife/second-in-command/obligatory love interest for Farrell. It's not that Farrell and Foxx are bad, exactly (although Farrell cements his status as the Poor Man's Mickey Rourke by once again confusing shitbagginess with method acting)...they're just barely there. They aren't interesting characters puzzling their way through an interesting story...they're just monosyllabic cyphers riding in fast cars, boats, and planes.

"Miami Vice" arrives in theaters with a hefty $150 million price tag that will never earn back in a million billion years, but Mann at least makes a concession to both the international markets and my dong by casting the luminous Chinese actress Gong Li as the love interest. Sufficed to say, the film doesn't deserve her smoldering grace, especially when Mann cruelly saddles her with multiple love scenes set to Audioslave songs.

The script to "Miami Vice" is a disaster - muddled, uninvolving, excruciatingly terse, and filled with faux-jargon gibberish (boats that go fast are repeatedly referred to as "go-fast boats"). Darcey, who hated the film even more than me, even claimed that the dialogue in "Armageddon" was better than the dialogue in "Miami Vice"...I'm not going to go that for, but "Armageddon" at least has more dialogue.

All of these deficiencies in acting, writing, and story and character development would have been forgivable if only Mann had brought some life to the party. But other than devising new and clever ways for people to get shot in the head and a handful of stunning, Lucas-ian take-off and landing shots, Mann seems completely enervated. The action is sparse, the tension (sexual or otherwise) is nonexistent, and the ballyhooed digital photography is practically a parody of pretentious filmmaking. The movie is set in modern times, but there is little in the way of trend setting here - if anything, "Miami Vice" seems several years too late to be considered stylish.

I don't see how this movie could please fans of the director, the genre, the actors, or the original show (the Miami setting is actually incidental - it could have been set in L.A. without significant changes), and by the time the nu-metal cover of "In the Air Tonight" played over the opening credits, I realized that a certain Brian and a certain FFT owed me an explanation.

GRADE: C-.

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"Scoop" (2006 - Dir.: Woody Allen)

Even fewer laguhs than "Miami Vice". Woody follows up his decent (if overrated in some circles) change-of-pace "Match Point" with yet another depressingly unfunny farce built upon a moldy narrative contrivance. This time, it's a deceased reporter whose ghost materializes with a hot tip for a struggling student journalist (Scarlet Johannson) - an at-large serial killer is actually the well-groomed son of landed gentry, which leads her to simultaneously investigate and fall for their handsome suspect (Hugh Jackman). The mystery isn't interesting (it's essentially a dull rewrite of Allen's "Manhattan Murder Mystery"), and the jokes fall flat one right after the other. Woody Allen just isn't funny anymore, and yet he won't stop making frothy gimmick comedies. I realized after watching "Scoop" that if I were to make a list of Allen's worst 5 films, 4 of them would be from this decade ("Anything Else", "Hollywood Ending", "Melinda and Melinda", and now "Scoop", with perhaps "September" rounding out the list). Of course, the only scoops that many viewers will care about belong to Ms. Johansson, but aside from one sublime swimsuit scene, it even fails on a chestgazing level. Johansson's role in "Match Point" played to her strengths as a vampish innocent and budding sexpot, but this part just doesn't suit her - it feels like it was written for a young Diane Keaton, who would have nailed the character's neurotic ambition. Bad. GRADE: D+.

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Kiefer gave a thumbs-up to the "Girl Can't Help It" review...that one should be in the paper within the next couple of weeks. This moves me and The Georgia Peach one step closer to crushing this one-horse town into a fine powder, then snorting it as prelude to a bisexual orgy. Victory!

The Barnesyard: Getting Pretty Good at This Thing

2006-07-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

I had another pretty good weekend predicting the box office...I got all the top 5 again, and in almost perfect order, with just the #'s 3 and 5 films reversed. Here was the actual box office standings for last weekend:

1) Miami Vice
2) Pirates 2
3) John Tucker Must Die
4) Monster House
5) The Ant Bully

So "The Ant Bully" did less than expected (cartoon overload?), and "John Tucker..." did a little better, especially considering its a goddam PG-13 teen sex comedy, which just shouldn't happen. "Miami Vice" took the #1 spot, but garnered only half of my $50 million prediction. As I stated weeks ago, it's looking like the big money pit of the summer. It's also a big piece of shit, which is why I expect apologies from both Brian and FFT. I'm waiting, gents. I'll have a review of that one and Woody Allen's "Scoop" later today.

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Beck's birthday/Nar reunion on Saturday was a blast, highlighted by some fucking intense volleyball action. I was shopping at Albertson's earlier in the day, and while I was in the checkout line, I noticed a DVD copy of the Casper Van Dien/Denise Richards beach volleyball thriller "Kill Shot" on the rack. I took this as a sign from God, and decided that my volleyball strategy would be to attempt a kill shot on EVERY SINGLE SHOT. No bump, no set...just kill shots! I'm telling you, 40 percent of the time, it worked EVERY time.

Box Office Picks

2006-07-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend's Top 5 should look something like this:

1) "Miami Vice" (in the $50 million range, probably)
2) "Pirates 2"
3) "The Ant Bully"
4) "Monster House"
5) "John Tucker Must Die"

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Me and DP watched "Ghostbusters" at UA Arden last night. Boy, they just don't make them like that anymore. These days, it's rare to see a film that tries to hit every demographic and yet succeeds on every level. Obviously, there are no more Bill Murrays - if they made the film today, they would have cast Ashton Kutcher or Sean William Scott in the role. In addition, "Ghostbusters" is so much more focused than movies today. It doesn't waste a lot of time on bullshit - at first, you can't cross the streams, but in the end, you cross the streams to save the day. It's never explained, and it doesn't matter! If it were today, they'd spend twenty minutes explaining it and tacking on unnecessary characters and subplots. I also loved that the Rick Moranis, Harold Ramis, and Annie Potts characters are all kind of odd and pathetic. In the 1990 sequel, they were just cute.

This also reminded me that I got a mailer sent to me at StateNet several months back from the Mackinac Center for Public Policy, some sort of Michigan-based neo-con think tank. The essay was titled "Great Values, Great Movies", and profiled four specific movies that DID NOT denigrate free enterprise (this is apparently the only qualification for "great values"; in author Lawrence W. Reed's words: "On the silver screen, businesspeople are frequently vilified as greedy and heartless, while statists of every stripe are depicted as selfless, romantic idealists."). "Ghostbusters" has long been a neo-con pet film because the main human villain is a slimy EPA fascist (although I'm pretty sure that the EPA doesn't have the power to arrest people on site, as they do in "Ghostbusters"), but Reed singles out Ivan Reitman's film because of the scene where Aykroyd's character expresses fear at entering the private sector after getting booted from the university: "They expect results."

The other films that Reed profiles are duds - "Cinderella Man", in which Jim J. Braddock's "heroism soars" when he pays back the welfare money he received (and presumably also for defeating that Hitler-esque human scourge, Max Baer); "The Patriot", because of the Gibson character's "poignant" anti-taxation beliefs, and the golfing film "The Greatest Game Ever Played", because it "beautifully extols the virtues that underpin a free society." Why lump "Ghostbusters" in with that bullshit? It's time we took our movie back from the neo-cons!

Reed concludes his piece by pleading, "Please, Hollywood, lose the statist bias, and make more films like these four!" Make more films like "Ghostbusters", "The Patriot", "Cinderella Man", and "The Greatest Game Ever Played"? You want to make more films about Revolutionary War-era golfers who win the heavyweight championship and catch ghosts? Gibberish!

The "Lady" is a Turd

2006-07-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

"Lady in the Water" (2006 - Dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

It seemed that Kevin Smith would be the chief producer of anti-film critic bile last weekend. Just as his poorly received "Clerks 2" was ready to hit theaters, Smith declared jihad against film critics, barring one critic from a screening because he had panned "Jersey Girl" (hey Kev, you wanna know how to spot the people who hated "Jersey Girl"? They're the ones who've seen "Jersey Girl"!), then lambasting Joel Siegel on radio's The Opie and Anthony Show (apparently a real hotbed for cinematic analysis) for walking out on "Clerks 2".

But in the end, M. Night Shyamalan went Smith one better by making an evil film critic a crucial player in his execrable, delusional fable "Lady in the Water". Darcey has already heard me rant about this, so I won't get myself started. Sufficed to say, I felt like a jerk for ever having defended Shyamalan.

And the film? Bleh. Unlike "The Village", in which the supernatural mystery turned out to be a hoax, there is never any doubt that Bryce Dallas Howard's water being is pure magic. The real problem is that cruel, jaded cynics (i.e., film critics) refuse to believe in anything that brings people hope (i.e., M. Night Shyamalan's films). I thought that "Signs" and "The Village" were interesting attempts that were compromised by overindulgence, but "Lady in the Water" is Shyamalan's first unqualified dud.

Shyamalan forgoes casting himself in a small, boring role by casting himself in a large, boring role - he plays a budding writer who the water being (called a Narf) has come to inspire. He is informed he will be killed because of the power of his words (i.e., the critical drubbing of "The Village"), but that his writings will inspire the next great American leaders (i.e., young directors...a chilling thought, scarier than anything in Shyamalan's recent work) Not hard to read between those lines. Sickening, too.

"Lady" made me realize that while other filmmakers have an obvious visual style or thematic obsession, no other director has such a defined ACTING style as Shyamalan...not even Mamet's films are this rigid. Everyone in "Lady" speaks in that same pause-heavy, hushed awe that we've come to expect (and dread) from Shyamalan. His attempts at humanity make Spielberg seem like a man of the people, and his "humor" is essentially one vicious racial stereotype after another.

Paul Giamatti is one of my favorite actors, but not even he can resurrect a character as ridiculous as Cleveland Heap, a stuttering ex-doctor working incognito as a building supervisor after the murder of his wife and child (yep, Shyamalan trots out the dead loved one bit...again).

When the Narf is threatened by her natural enemies, Heap attempts to protect her by forming a team of role-players (a healer, a guardian, members of a guild, etc.) from among the apartment's quirky denizens. This dominates the second half of the film, but the problem is that we never care about any of this guild or guardian bullshit. Darcey suggested that "Lady" might have worked better as a TV show (one presumably not directed by Shyamalan), where the numerous twists and turns could have been spaced out over several episodes. Instead, Shyamalan just throws it all out there, and the result is that "Lady" is both breathless and inert.

GRADE: D+.

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Has anyone seen a film of late that they'd like to comment on? I got several recommendations for "The Proposition", but I didn't get to see it before it left The Crest. Is there anything else out there that I should check out, either in theaters or on DVD? Let me know.

"The Girl Can't Help It" (with Jayne Mansfield, Tom Ewell, and Little Richard) comes out on DVD in a couple weeks as part of a 3-disc Mansfield collection. I am trying to get Jon Kiefer let me review it for the News and Review. We'll see if he goes for it.

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Up next: MORE!!!!!!!

Scheduling Conflicts

2006-07-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Should be an interesting week at the movies.

For the $5 Thursday night movies, "Ghostbusters" is showing at UA Arden, "Napoleon Dynamite" is playing in Davis, and the original "Alien" is showing in Roseville. I just found out that "Back to the Future" is going to be screened outside in the park across the street from my house, but I am going to be out of town that day.

Woody Allen's "Scoop" opens at The Tower (Woody, I love you, but I'm just seeing it for Scarlet's rack), "The War Tapes" at The Crest. At the multiplexes, you've got PG-13 raunch in "John Tucker Must Die", another celebrity-voiced cartoon with "The Ant Bully", and as Film For Tourists has been reminding us all week, the long-awaited debut of Michael Mann's "Miami Vice". I will have my official box office predictions ready tomorrow morning, but I'd be surprised if "MV" didn't open at #1 (of course, with a $150 million budget, it would have to be a blockbuster of incomprehensible size to be considered a hit).

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Up next: MORE MORE MORE

Newer Stuff

2006-07-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

"Strangers With Candy" (2006 - Dir.: Paul Dinello) Long-delayed film adaptation of the Comedy Central cult favorite doesn't exactly expand upon the original series...if anything, it reduces it. The production values are bottom-of-the-barrel, many of the best gags are recycled from the show, and it's hard to shake the overall air of pointlessness. Still, I laughed, heartily and frequently, especially during the film's first half. Amy Sedaris (as Jerri Blank, the 40-ish, ex-junkie high school freshman) and Stephen Colbert (as her closeted, hyper-conservative science teacher, Mr. Noblet) do typically brilliant work. My favorite exchange:

MEGAWATTI: Are you thinking about entering the science fair?
JERRI: I'm thinking about pussy. The science fair's for queers.

GRADE: B-

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"The Devil Wears Prada" (2006 - Dir.: David Frankel) Adequate but uninvolving story about an ambitious, wallflower-y journalism grad who takes a job at a Vogue-like fashion magazine working as lackey for an Anna Wintour-like cutthroat. Meryl Streep's performance makes the film - she's perfectly coiffed and cruel, and will probably get some Supporting Actress buzz come Oscar time. But that's the problem - it's truly a supporting role, too small and not nearly devilish enough. Anne Hathaway is the star of the film as the morally conflicted Girl Friday, who initially resents her job, yet becomes swept up in the glamorous intensity of the fashion world. Hathaway is charming, cute as hell, and possesses remarkable cleavage, but her character isn't interesting enough to carry the film. Director Frankel is an HBO vet, including a couple episodes of "Entourage", which accounts for the presence of a thoroughly de-balled Adrian Grenier/Vinnie Chase as Hathway's boyfriend. GRADE: C+.

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The word is that Heath Ledger will be cast as The Joker in the sequel to "Batman Begins". Frankly, I don't see it (whatever else Ledger is, funny he ain't), but at least they didn't cast Robin Williams, who campaigned heartily.

Film Capsules, Vol. 2

2006-07-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

There are still about two dozen movies I've seen in the last month that I haven't covered either here or in the News and Review. Here are a few of the duds:

"Sgt. Rutledge" (1960 - Dir.: John Ford) One of Ford's least heralded films, an awkward genre collision of boring western and boring courtroom drama. The great Woody Strode plays the title role, a black cavalry officer on trial for rape. Jeffrey Hunter plays his lawyer - Hunter was brilliant as Martin Pauly in "The Searchers", and remains the best filmed Christ of all time (in Nick Ray's "King of Kings"), but only an actor with some serious gravitas (Spencer Tracy, say) could sell this part. It starts OK, with some beautiful shots, but gets slower and stupider as it goes along. GRADE: C.

"Return of Frank James" (1940 - Dir.: Fritz Lang) A rare Fritz Lang dud, this sequel to the 1939 box office hit "Jesse James" never achieves a pulse. Henry Fonda plays the title role, an outlaw in hiding who resurfaces to mete out justice to his brother's killers. The setup seems ripe for Lang, who always thrived on stories of violence and moral obligation, but this one is poorly written and square. For a superior Lang western, check out "Rancho Notorious", with Marlene Dietrich. GRADE: C.

"The Tall Target" (1951 - Dir.: Anthony Mann) This one is an odd duck - a film noir set aboard a train in 1861. After he learns about a plot to assassinate the newly elected President Lincoln, a discredited detective (named John Kennedy, oddly enough) ignores superiors and attempts to intercept the would-be killers en route to Washington, D.C. It's a good setup, and based on historical fact, but the film disappoints, especially with the great noir and western director Anthony Mann at the helm. The story has too many stops and starts, and the writing isn't very smart - one crucial scene hinges on several characters being unable to read a message written backwards in large letters. Might make a decent remake. GRADE: C.

"The Ballad of Cable Hogue" (197x - Dir.: Sam Peckinpah) Uncharacteristically lugubrious and slapstick-heavy Peckinpah western, with Jason Robards doing good work as a grizzled prospector left for dead by his partners. He discovers an oasis in the desert, and exploits the situation for personal gain, setting up a ramshackle rest stop (with plates nailed to the table, so they're easier to wash) next to a stagecoach line. This could have been a sharp send-up of frontier capitalism, but Peckinpah wastes too much time and energy on broad comedy - Peckinpah's comedic "touch" is unsurprisingly heavyhanded. It should be of interest to fans of unconventional westerns. GRADE: C+.

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Up next: MORE!

Storm Clouds Gather

2006-07-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

I took a couple of days off there, but I'm preparing to unleash a flurry of posts over the rest of today and tomorrow, so be sure to check back here often. I figure that everyone who gives a fuck about seeing "Turd in the Water" has seen it by now, so ya'll don't mind if I ruin the whole thing for you. I'll have reviews of that, "Devil Wears Prada", and "Strangers With Candy", and the next volume of my Film Capsule reviews right after I go get some coffee.

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The "Road House" review is in today's edition of The News and Review...it's on page something or other, and then there's another one of those In the Mix reviews in my usual slot on page 3762G, sandwiched right between the porn ads and the other porn ads. I haven't had a chance to read them yet, but I'll assume that they're brilliant.

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Has anyone out there seen anything interesting lately, new or old, good or bad? Let's hear about it.

Turd in the Water

2006-07-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

My box office predictions for the weekend weren't great, but they weren't terrible either. The actual top 5 was:

1) Pirates 2
2) Monster House
3) Lady in the Water
4) You, Me and Dupree
5) Little Man

I had the top three films right, but in the wrong order, and 4 out of 5 overall ("Devil/Prada" finished ninth...wtf was I thinking with that one?). However, I did correctly predict that "Clerks 2" and "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" were non-starters - they finished 6th and 7th, respectively. "Pirates" three-week run at the top faces a definite challenge next week from "Miami Vice". However, I think the true all-star of the second half of the summer season will be "Talladega Nights" - it'll pull down $150-200 million, easy.

Speaking of "Lady in the Turdwater", I was going to write my review of it this morning, but I couldn't access Blogger from my house for some reason. I'll put up this afternoon, but in the meantime, DON'T see it. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

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I also watched "Week-End" (1967 - Dir.: Jean-Luc Godard) at the French Film Festival on Saturday afternoon - many thanks to FFT for the free pass and pre-show sesh. The movie was moderately well-attended, but it was one of the more unruly crowds I've seen in a while. There were at least a dozen walkouts in the last fifteen minutes, mostly old couples, and one annoying heckler (a typical bon mot: "When is this stupid movie gonna end?"). This just proves my theory that every idiot has something stupid to say. If you haven't seen "Week-End", it's a pretty polarizing film, even for Godard. It's an apocalyptic anti-narrative about an exceedingly shallow and bilious bourgeois couple traveling through the French countryside to collect on an inheritance. For the first two-thirds, it's a great satire of barbarous human behavior, with a great eye for physical humor and savage parody...in the last third, the couple is kidnapped by nihilist cannibal revolutionaries, and gets weighed down with self-important polemics. It doesn't ruin the film for me, but I can see why some would find the last section excruciating to watch. Still, there's nothing like it. GRADE: B+.

Box Office Predictions/Movie Reviews

2006-07-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

Tough call for #1 this week. There are two new major entries - "Monster House" and "Lady in the Water", as well as "Pirates 2", which is still going strong. I think that diminishing returns from Shyamalan coupled with a star-less cast might be enough to sink "Lady", but I'm not sure how wide "Monster" is opening (ditto "Lady"). In that sense, "Pirates 2" seems like the safe pick for #1. That is a toughie. I'll go with:

1) Lady in the Water
2) Pirates 2
3) Monster House
4) Little Man
5) Devil Wears Prada

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend" also opens this weekend, but that one looks like a non-starter to me. We'll see how I do next week. In the meantime, here are a couple films you can see this weekend...

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"WORDPLAY": Entertaining crossword puzzle documentary in the "Spellbound" mode spotlights puzzlemaster Will Shortz and his annual tournament for fanatics in Stamford, Connecticut. The directors use a lot of visual tricks to make crossword puzzles seem cinematic, the tournament scenes are fairly exciting, and the contestants are appealing in their extreme nerdiness (though unlike "Spellbound", you never become involved in the human stories). The only major debit is the parade of cameos from celebrity crossword fans such as Bill Clinton, pitcher Mike Mussina, and a surprisingly unfunny Jon Stewart - these scenes are pointless and only add to an already padded running time. GRADE: B.

"A SCANNER DARKLY": The same rotoscope animation process that Linklater used in "Waking Life" is employed to bring a psychedelic visual kick to Philip K. Dick's story of near-futuristic drug addiction and police-state paranoia. As appropriately trippy as the visuals are (especially when rendering a shape-shifting "scramble suit" that Keanu's character wears in his job as an undercover informant), the quality of the performances (and the depth of Linklater's empathy with his characters) puts it over the top. It's surprising to come away from an ostensibly animated film praising the performances, but Woody, Keanu, Winona, and especially Robert Downey, Jr. do excellent work. The film made me realize that no matter how much Downey's personal demons have affected his career, he is probably one of my favorite contemporary actors when given free rein, with a series of brilliant and versatile showcase performances to his credit ("Two Girls and a Guy", "The Singing Detective", "Less Than Zero", "Natural Born Killers", and now "A Scanner Darkly"). A highly recommended film, but not for everyone. GRADE: B+.

Both films are currently playing at the Tower Theater. Don't forget about Godard's "Week-End" playing on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning at the Crest. I will continue my series of film capsules on Monday. See you next week!

Film Capsules, Part 1

2006-07-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty lax in reviewing the movies I've watched over the past month, so I am going to try to catch up with a series of capsule reviews a la Maltin. First, the newer stuff:

-"Tristan and Isolde" (2006 - Dir.: Kevin Reynolds) Silly but harmless costume-action flick from the director of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" (Reynolds, so far removed from the freshness and humanity of "Fandango" that it's sad) mangles the medieval romantic legend to formfit a demographic-crossing mold. Nothing particularly wrong, with decent period atmosphere and beautiful locations, but not much right about it, either. James Franco and Sophia Myles play the titular lovers, who fall in love for no other reason than they haven't got shit all over them. GRADE: C+.

-"A Prairie Home Companion" (2006 - Dir.: Robert Altman) Altman's "swansong" effort may just be his worst film to date. The Barnesyard has a special antipathy towards Garrison Keillor ever since he spent every Sunday evening of his childhood trapped in a car with NPR playing full blast, but Altman doesn't even seem to capture the flavor of the show. The fictional Lake Wobegon setting and radio skits are mostly eschewed for wall-to-wall songs, only a few of them fun. The movie would have been harmless enough if not for the inclusion of three horribly ill-conceived characters - Virginia Madsen's inane angel of death, Kevin Kline's pointless gumshoe, and Tommy Lee Jone's sleepwalking turn as a radio exec - they absolutely sink the film. A dud. GRADE: C-.

-"Dave Chappelle's Block Party" (2006 - Dir.: Dave Chappelle) Amusing documentary showcases Chappelle's efforts to stage an outdoor concert in the hear of Brooklyn. Chappelle enlists an impressive array of performers, but The Roots play backing band for every artist except The Fugees, so everyone ends up with the same thin, boring funk beat (I'm not a fan). Chappelle is on his game, but it's more of a concert documentary than a comedy show. The best scenes involve the wacked-out couple who own the building where the concert was held. GRADE: B+

-"The Devil and Daniel Johnston" (2006 - Dir.: Jeff Feuerzeig) One of the best films to play in Sacramento so far in 2006 (not that there's much competition - I couldn't even make a decent top 5 list at this point), a loving but penetrating documentary about folksinger Daniel Johnston, who made a small splash in the late 1980's/early 1990's before succumbing to the demons that drove him. Johnston fanatics would have you believe that he's a tortured artist in the Brian Wilson mode, but he seems more like a one-trick pony to me. Even if you don't leave the film wanting to hear more of Johnston's music, he remains a fascinating figure, and you can't help but admire the electric, multi-media storytelling employed by Jeff Feuerzeig. It only played in Sac. for a week or two, so look for this one on DVD soon.

-"The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" (2006 - Dir.: Justin Lin) This was one of the most anticipated releases of the summer, and I'm happy to report that it's sort of a movie. The Barnesyard's Official Poor Man's Paul Walker Lucas Black (Billy Bob connection? - he was the kid in "Sling Blade" and a football player in "Friday Night Lights"), delivering the sort of stoic, dialogue-challenged performance that would make Walker proud (if he were able to express such emotions) as a race-obsessed teen sent to live with his father in Tokyo after he nearly kills himself in a race (in which Black's character somehow upshifts his car at least a dozen times). In Tokyo, Black finds himself involved with an underground drift racing cult. Black's father forbids him from racing, but Black starts to gain a reputation as a drift racer. After a few more races, one of his friends is killed in a race, and Black needs to find a way out of the racing gang. The solution: a race! Willfully idiotic and slutty semi-sequel is more fun the first film, but can't touch the Tyrese/Cole Hauser/Eva Mendes highs of "2 Fast 2 Furious". An R rating would have helped. GRADE: C+.

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Up next: Film Capsules, Part 2

Road House: Deluxe Edition

2006-07-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

My intent was to come on this afternoon and start catching up on all my movie reviews (I'm several weeks behind), but I see that Blogger has a scheduled outage coming up quick, so f that noise. I'll work on it tonight and tomorrow, and try to get everything up to date. I would like to be able to blame work for all the holdups, but StateNet has been dead of late...I'm just using all my free time playing Fight Night Round 2 on the XBox instead of writing for the blog. Of course, I'm watching the Deluxe Edition of "Road House" tonight for a review due tomorrow morning, so I can't guarantee there will be time for Barnesyard updates.

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The Tower might be getting John Gulager's "Feast", the 3rd Project Greenlight movie, sometime this fall. The last season of Project Greenlight was the most entertaining yet, but both of the movies have been utter tripe -- bad-bad, not funny-bad. Maybe "Feast" will break that streak, maybe it won't, but one thing's for sure: it WILL be bad.

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Apparently, Michael Parks will be reprising his Sheriff Earl McGraw character from "Kill Bill" in the upcoming Tarantino/Rodriguez horror anthology "Grind House". The project sounds semi-promising (with a cast that includes Michael Biehn, thank you very much), although we shouldn't forget what happened the last time Rodriguez and Tarantino collaborated on an anthology film - the unconscionable dud "Four Rooms".

Back

2006-07-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

It looks The Barnesyard was down all morning, but it's republished and back on track. I'll have a bunch of movie reviews up this afternoon.

Don't forget to check out Film For Tourists for complete coverage of the Sacramento French Film Festival, which started last Friday and continues this weekend.

Nostradamus-Like

2006-07-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

Nailed all 5 of them, right on the money! "Pirates" didn't drop off as much as expected, only about 50% (not bad these days). and "Little Man" fell a little below my predictions -- apparently, Americans possess only a lukewarm interest in watching Marlon Wayans playing CGI midget. Go figure. Otherwise, I was right on the money. Can you believe that assholes get paid to predict this kind of shit?

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I went to see "M. Hulot's Holiday" at the Crest on Saturday afternoon. Of course, I had no car, so I had to ride my bike from East Sac. in 105 degree heat at 3 in the afternoon. Fucking bummer. The movie was great (I've seen it before), although the print was pretty lousy. It's not a film that gains a lot from being seen on the big screen, but it was fun to watch nonetheless. It might be my favorite Tati film. I'm definitely going to try to watch Godard's "Week-End" this Saturday.

The theater was incredibly well-managed.

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Michael Mann sailed easily to a Bump. I don't think there was a single Dump on the board. I'll try to pick some one a little more controversial next time.

Barnesyard Predicts the Box Office

2006-07-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a new weekly segment every Friday. The last time I tried this was a few weeks ago, the Friday that "Superman Returns" and "Devil Wears Prada" opened. I picked all of the top 5 films, but mostly in the wrong order. "Devil/Prada" did better than expected, "Superman" much worse. The bomb of the summer, until "Miami Vice" opens.

Here's my picks for this weekend:

1) "Pirates 2" (but with a sharp drop-off)
2) "Little Man" (closer than you'd expect)
3) "You, Me and Dupree"
4) "Devil Wears Prada"
5) "Superman Returns"

We'll see how I do on Monday.

Happy Birthday to ME

2006-07-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

The dinner last night at The Kitchen was amazing. I ate so many different types of seafood and shellfish, I think I technically qualify as a fifth ocean. At any rate, I feel about as big as an ocean. I felt practically paralyzed by the time we got home (the whole experience lasts about four to five hours). I also got to taste wild boar for the first time -- if any of you happen to keep wild boars as pets, keep them the hell away from me, because I will EAT them! One of the best meals of my life, if not the best.

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I left work early yesterday with the intention of checking out "Wordplay" at the Tower. Unfortunately, my car starting overheating on the way to the theater, and now it's going to be in the shop over the weekend. Not exactly the way I wanted to kick off my birthday, but at least it's only several hundred degrees Fahrenheit outside.

There are some good-looking films opening this weekend - "Strangers With Candy" at the Crest and "A Scanner Darkly" at the Tower. "Little Man" and "You, Me, and Dupree" are stinking up the multiplexes. And don't forget that the French Film Festival starts tonight. You can get full coverage by checking out Film For Tourists. Tell 'em The Barnesyard sent you.

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It looks like there is no opposition mounting against Michael Mann, so he should have an easy time getting Bumped. I figured there would be some haters.

As for "Heat", I haven't seen it in nearly ten years, so I would be more than willing to give it another chance. Until that happens, I stand by original assessment -- bad acting, bad writing, long and boring.

I'll see you all next week!

Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It - A Mann Among Men

2006-07-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming "Miami Vice" film, I thought we'd put director Michael Mann to the vote. Mann was born in the great city of Chicago in 1943, went to film school in London, and got his start on TV writing for "Starsky and Hutch" before directing films and creating the seminal TV series "Miami Vice" and "Crime Story". Here's a brief filmography:

-The Jericho Mile (1979 - TV movie)
-Thief (1981)
-The Keep (1983)
-Manhunter (1986)
-L.A. Takedown (1989 - TV movie)
-The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
-Heat (1995)
-The Insider (1999)
-Ali (2001)
-Collateral (2004)
-Miami Vice (2006)

DAN'S TAKE:

THE GOOD: Manhunter; The Last of the Mohicans; The Insider

THE BAD: Heat

THE INDIFFERENT: Ali; Collateral

HAVEN'T SEEN: The Jericho Mile; Thief; The Keep; L.A. Takedown; any of his TV shows.

THE VERDICT:

"Miami Vice" hits theaters on July 28 saddled with an estimated $150 million price tag. If you believe the old saw that a film has to gross three times its budget in order to be considered a success, it's a sure bet that Mann has another money pit on his hands. I don't quite understand what Mann does with all of his money - it seems as though every film from "Heat" on has gone wildly overbudget, despite the fact that nearly every scene is shot with a handheld camera. Mann has been given the freedom to make some iconoclastic films with big budgets, but as it has come to pass with Terry Gilliam, there comes a time when the suits aren't going to back your costly indulgences anymore.

That would be shame, because Mann does have an undeniable visual panache and an urge to tell epic human stories. Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling of wasted talent that I get from Mann's filmography. He's 63 years old, but hasn't even made ten films. It seems that his attention has become increasingly monopolized by gargantuan projects of minor significance.

Still, he always holds the potential for greatness - "Manhunter" is the first Hannibal Lecter film, sleek and lived-in, but still a bit dwarfed by "Silence of the Lambs"; "The Last of the Mohicans" is a romantic historical action epic without parallel (Mann usually gets good performances from his actors, and Daniel Day-Lewis and Madeleine Stowe are note-perfect here); "The Insider" is Mann's best work to date, one of the few genuinely intelligent issues films to come out in the last few decades, with a searing performance from Russell Crowe.

Mann has proven to be a sucker for excess - "Ali" had everything but a point, and couldn't possibly compete with the 1999 Ali-Foreman documentary "When We Were Kings", which covered most of the same ground. "Collateral" had better-than-expected performances and a great feel for the L.A. streets, but kept getting stupider as it went along. The one giant mistep in Mann's filmography is "Heat", one of the most critically overpraised films of the 1990's. A lot of smart people with great taste love this epic about conflicted men on both sides of the law (Mann's fans tend to be extremely passionate, but all I can see is bad acting and bloat.

I haven't seen any of Mann's pre-"Manhunter" movies or any of his work on TV, so they're of no help in determining my verdict. It's a short list of movies to base a decision on, but "The Insider" and "Last of the Mohicans" justify the bump. I still feel that Mann's career is heading towards an abyss from which it may never return.

Bump it, but with reservations.

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OK, I've had my say, so I'll officially open up the ballot box to the general public. What do you say, folks -- Michael Mann, Bump It or Dump It? The polls remain open until Friday.

***-Fest

2006-07-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

Darcey is taking me to The Kitchen for my birthday tomorrow night. Here's what we're having:

White Summer Corn Chowder with Italian Summer Truffles,
a Sheeps Milk Ricotta-Sardo Infused Bread Pudding
and Crispy Pernod-Dill Prawns, Tarragon
and Parma-Proscuitto

•••

The Kitchen’s ‘Bloody Mary’ Crab Louie with
Very Small Forni-Brown Lettuces, Preserved Lemon,
Baby Green Beans and Local Belgian Endive

•••

Sushi • Sashimi • Crudo

•••

Pan Seared Almond Dusted Local Halibut with
Lobster Stuffed Squash Blossoms, Crunchy Green Tea Rice
and a Kaffir Lime-Coconut Broth

•••

Grilled Three Peppercorn-Olive Oil Marinated Piedmontese
Beef Tenderloin with a Porcini Mushroom Knish,
Béarnaise and Cabernet Reduction

•••

Bittersweet Chocolate Tacos Filled with Farm Fresh
Cherries and Berries, Creamy Mascarpone,
and Chocolate-Pistachio Shortbread

***

Look upon my stomach, and despair! I'll let you know how it goes.

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I didn't see any interesting new previews before "Click", but there was one of those extended commercials for "Monster House". Every time I see a preview for that film, I think of the scene from "Big" where toy company executives are admonished for assuming that children would be entertained by a building that comes to life.

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"Pirates 2" set the new 3-day domestic box office record this weekend with $132 million, annihilating the real-life $115 million taken in by "Spider-Man", as well as the fictional $118 million raked in by Vincent Chase's "Aquaman". After the lackluster performances of "MI:3", "Cars", and "Superman Reeturns", I thought Hollywood might be in for another long slump. I guess I forgot how wildly popular the original was - it's amazing what fuckable leads will do for your grosses.

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Speaking of "Superman", I re-watched the Extended Edition of the Christopher Reeve original. Mike Dub placed it on his Top 102 List, and while I can't go that far, I've always considered it a personal favorite. Watching it again, it still succeeds in entrancing with leisurely, epic storytelling, visual gusto, and right-on casting. However, I have to admit that many scenes in the film are terribly written, most notably the exchanges on Krypton (I still love it, though) and Lois Lane's dreadful midflight thought-poem ("You can fly/in the sky"). It's odd, because so many other scenes in the film are sharply written (e.g., the snappy news room exchanges, the scene on the balcony). The film bears the mark of a tumultous shoot, with perhaps too many cooks minding the stew (Mario Puzo and Robert Benton are among those who received script credit, but Richard Donner claims principal credit belonged to Tom Manciewicz). The producers originally intended to shoot "Superman 1" and "Superman 2" back-to-back, but the shoot went way over budget, and the sequel got scrapped for a while. When "Superman: The Movie" became a blockbuster, the sequel went back into production. Donner shot a lot of the scenes that ended up in the sequel, but he was replaced by Richard Lester, who reshot most of the footage. With such a torturous route to the screen, it's amazing that it holds up so brilliantly. GRADE: A-.

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I might get to review the Deluxe Edition DVD of "Road House" for the News and Review. Biz, I'll try to do it justice.

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Up next: More movie reviews and the newest edition of Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It.

"Click"-en Shit

2006-07-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

"Click" (2006 - Dir.: Frank Coraci)

I know I said that I would never go see this film, but I had a half-day at work and a free call-in (thanks to Justin...if you ever need any legislation tracked, no questions asked, I'm your man), so I gave it a shot. Besides, I recalled that there have been a handful of Adam Sandler vehicles that have been nearly sublime.

"Click" clearly wanted to be something more than the usual dumb summer comedy, but it just doesn't commit - the jokes aren't funny, and the sentiment isn't earned.

Sandler plays a squishy but hard-working family man who can't seem to juggle his commitments to work and family. In a shameful and ingenious bit of product placement, he ends up in the Beyond section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond, where a flaky scientist gives him a universal remote to control his universe.

It's actually a pretty decent set-up for a smart comedy, but Sandler and crew always go the cheapest, easiet route possible. Take the scene in which Sandler listens to his life's "Commentary" track - it's just a workplace comedy bit, with the voice of James Earl Jones explaining what we're watching. Why wouldn't Sandler's character do his own commentary track? The film passes up a great opportunity to skewer both self-analysis and the droning self-importance of DVD commentary tracks for an obvious and unfunny gag.

In the last third, Sandler loses control of the remote and finds that his life is stuck on fast-forward. He starts missing huge chunks of his life, and the film starts on piling on the sentiment. However, "Click" falls back on the hoariest gimmick in the book - the it-was-all-a-dream ending. That's bad enough, but the film telegraphs the dream structure so obviously that it's difficult to get involved in the story. Some surreal, Jerry Lewis-esque visual flair would have helped, but director Frank Coraci (who also helmed Sandler's "The Waterboy" and "The Wedding Singer") is far from up to the task. A dud.

GRADE: C-.

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I read that Bret Sommers, The Barnesyard's favorite female panelist on "The Match Game", turned 82 years old today. In case you're keeping score at home, Bret Sommers: still alive. Good for her.

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Up next: more movie reviews.

More Sexy Controversy

2006-07-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

More shocking discrepancies in the "Sexiest" tabulation process were discovered this weekend.

You'll recall from last week that I exposed several scandalous errors in the rankings of the E! Network's quasi-salacious clip show. Salma Hayek and Jessica Alba went 1 and 2 in the "Sexiest Latin Lovers" show, yet Hayek ranked well below Alba in the "Sexiest Actresses" show, in which Angelina Jolie was ranked #1.

Hayek, Alba, and Jolie are all brunettes, so who won the top slot in the "Sexiest Brunettes" show? Eva Mendes! Explain that! I demand to know who is responsible for these voting errors -- I better not find your fingerprints on this one, actor/raconteur Diedrich Bader! You've screwed me over for the last time.

Dead Man's Chest - NOT a reference to Keira Knightley's bosom

2006-07-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" (Dir.: Gore Verbinski)

Right on the heels of "Superman Returns" comes another shoddily constructed big-budget franchise film that manages to fail on all levels. For all the hyped-up action scenes and hundreds of fx shots, "Pirates 2" is a surprisingly slapdash effort...perhaps we can blame the push to shoot two fx-heavy films simultaneously ("Pirates 3: At World's End" comes out next summer), especially considering there was barely enough relevant plot to justify one Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

The first "Pirates" film was just as overplotted and underdeveloped as this one, but at least it was joyously inane, anchored by Johnny Depp's showboat performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. The sequel is mirthless inanity, especially in its god-awful first half (by contrast, "Superman Returns" began intriguingly and got worse as it went along). The movie seems to begin 30 minutes in to the story, and starts rushing off in all directions like a chicken with its head cut off.

Depp's performance as Sparrow seems more shopworn and unengaged this time around, like tired schtick. Bloom is still the archetype of the bland hero. Knightley's character is all over the map, and mostly stupid. There are still too many heroes and too many villains -- superfluous main characters are as much a calling card of the modern blockbuster as CGI and grossout humor.

Speaking of which, while "Pirates" is rated PG-13, it features dozens of brutal deaths (perhaps hundreds), wall-to-wall violence, wanton animal cruelty, numerous gags involving severed digits, and frequent intimations of cannibalism. However, if Knightley's nipples appeared onscreen for 1 second, or if Depp slipped out one single fucking f-bomb, the film would get slapped with an R, no questions asked. Hollywood: leading our children down a moral sewer.

GRADE: D+

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Speaking of "Superman Returns", I went to see it again at the drive-in on Thursday. The generally positive reviews made me wonder if my affection for the first two Christopher Reeve films might have biased me against it, but it only made my contempt for the film that much stronger. What a boring fucking movie! And forget what I said before about not wanting to criticize Brandon Routh...he gives an unqualified bad performance, especially as Clark Kent. The main problem with Routh is that he plays Kent and Superman exactly the same way: they're both bland, boring, handsome kids. Luckily, it was a nice, cool night and I had a pillow, so I was able to curl up and sleep through the second half.

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Previews: a teaser for Michael Bay's "Transformers" (I shit you not); "The Hoax", a film about fraudulent author Clifford Irving, which looked interesting until I found out that Lasse Hallstrom is directing it; a film with the dream-team pairing of Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher that should need no further explanation to get your butts in the theater; "World Trade Center", which seems to confirm my worst fears about Oliver Stone's involvement.

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The French Film Festival begins this weekend -- there are a few notable screenings, including Godard's apocalyptic road film "Week-End" and my favorite Jacques Tati movie, "M. Hulot's Holiday". Catch them if you can.

Speaking of French movies, I understand there is a possibility that the Crest might get the Melville movie "Army of Shadows". Keep your fingers crossed.

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I decided to take last week off, both from work and my blog. Mostly, I watched movies, including a personal-record 6 in one day. I'll review everything I saw throughout the next few days. I also haven't done any of my regular bits in a while, so I'll cram in a few of those as well.

Sexiest Scandal?

2006-06-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

There is a show that airs on E! and The Style Network called "Sexiest". Essentially, it's one of those glorified clip shows that are constantly running on E! and Style...it counts the top 25 sexiest celebrities who fit a particular theme (Sexiest Actress, Sexiest Supermodel, etc.), while triple-z-list panelists made stupid comments. Diedrich Bader is the "name", that's how bad it is. The show recycles film clips and photos to form a two or three montage of sexiness. I love it. Darcey is visiting her brother in Japan for two weeks, and it reallllly passes the time.

Anyway, I noticed a sharp discrepancy in the "Sexiest" show's tabulation methods. For a show called "Sexiest Latin Lovers", the show ranked Salma Hayek and Jessica Alba one and two. OK, no problem there. But in the show "Sexiest Actresses", Hayek dropped to #13, while Alba was at #9. What's that about? The implication is that Hayek is a sexier Latin lover than she is an actress. Outrageous.

The comments are fantastically inane. One woman claimed that Gisele Bundchen was sexy because "she doesn't know that she's sexy". The six-foot tall Brazilian woman with enormous breasts is sexy because she doesn't know she's sexy? Really? And everyone is invariably described as "smart and funny", despite any mounting evidence to the contrary.

I Call Bullshit On You, Superman!

2006-06-30T02:29:00.000-07:00

For my money, the 1978 Richard Donner/Christopher Reeves "Superman" is still the best superhero movie ever made. It seems too soon for a remake, but it's been three decades already -- that would be like remaking a film from the 50's when I was a kid (did I mention that I've recently become a fat, old man?).

Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns" harkens back to the 1978 film in many respects. I mean that in the sense that Singer uses the original John Williams score, excavates Marlon Brando's image and voice, and flat-out steals any number of famous shots. I don't mean it in the sense that "Superman Returns" is entertaining or exciting or fun. More boring than "The Da Vinci Code" and more bloated than "King Kong", Singer's film fails on so many levels with such remarkable consistency it's hard to know where to begin.

Let's start with the casting -- the producers decided to cast the movie young, which is fine, but the characters aren't the least bit youthful. They're world-weary adults with school-age children and pasts that weigh them down. As the film opens, Superman/Clark Kent is returning to Earth from a five-year absence, and we are led to understand that he, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen have had many years of adventures prior to his leaving. But Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, and the guy who plays Jimmy Olsen all look to be in their early 20's. That means that they all got jobs as top reporters at the largest metropolitan daily newspaper in the world, fell in love, and saved the world when they were 14 or 15 years old.

I hate to be hard on Routh, but he's a pale imitation of Christopher Reeves. He doesn't have any discernible personality, humor, or hidden demons -- he's just a bland, likeable kid. Bosworth as Lois Lane is pitiful -- I wouldn't have bought as her a cable news anchor, much less a hardboiled beat reporter.

Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor doesn't work any better...he just isn't given much to do. Spacey's Luthor is a venal bastard, but he isn't particularly theatrical or creepy or weird. He's just bald and evil. DP argued before the film that Spacey would make a great Luthor, since Spacey is the most despicable actor in Hollywood. However, the only two quintessentially Spacey-esque things he does are roll his r's when he says "kryptonite" and give a bad performance.

The story meanders hopelessly, and never generates any consistent interest or excitement. Like Peter Jackson's "King Kong", it's stuffed to the gills with things you didn't come to see: Lois Lane's kid; her relationship with the kid's father (played by James Marsden of the X-Men films, who has become the comic book genre's go-to guy for cuckolded pussies); shot after shot of fondled crystals; Parker Posey acting like a wet noodle; pathetic and atonal attempts at sick humor. For a movie about a superhuman flying guy who can save the world, there is a notable shortage of cool stuff that happens.

I know that most of you are going to see this movie regardless of my review, so I'm not going to give away any more plot details. But for those of you who are still on the fence, you might be more than a little upset about plunking down money for this one. Personally, I hated it.

GRADE: D

The Schedule

2006-06-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

Two of the three Retro Revival movies showing tonight appeared on the Barnesyard Top 102 list. "Goodfellas" (#28) plays at the UA Arden, while "Starship Troopers" (#80) plays in Davis. Sam Raimi's "Army of Darkness" shows at the UA in Roseville. All showtimes are 10 p.m., all admissions are $5.

"The Celestine Prophecy" and "Down in the Valley" (starring Edward Norton) open at The Crest this weekend. Both look pretty boring. "Sketches of Frank Gehry" opens at the Tower...also looks boring.

Looks like "The Proposition" will be held over for one more week at the Crest...I hear good things. The Melville film "Army of Shadows" was playing at the Balboa in San Francisco last weekend...I'm not sure if they will be playing it again this week. I'm sure it won't come to Sacramento.

"Superman Returns" opened yesterday...does anyone who has seen it want to comment? I'll probably catch a matinee show this weekend. The only other major release is "The Devil Wears Prada", starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep...the fact that it's opening against Superman gives you an idea of the amount of faith the studio has in its marketability.

If I were going to predict the top 5 at the box office this weekend, I'd go with...

1) Superman Returns
2) Cars
3) Click
4) The Devil Wears Prada
5) Nacho Libre

Draft Woes

2006-06-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

Well, the Eye-talian went #1 in yesterday's draft. Adam Morrison was selected by Charlotte with the third pick...with a nucleus of Morrison, Emeka Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Sean May, Primo Brezec, and Raymond Felton, the Bobcats will field an interesting squad. They could be this year's New Orleans Hornets, a definite contender for a playoff spot in the East. Morrison will win Rookie of the Year: guaranteed.

The Kings went with guard Quincy Douby with the 19th pick. While I can't have too many negative feelings about a guy who's name is pronounced "doobie", I was shocked that Geoff Petrie didn't go with Connecticut point guard Marcus Williams. Most analysts had Williams going in the top 10, but he dropped way down in the draft because of character issues arising from an incident last year in which he stole some school computers. Williams seems more like the true point guard the Kings need to play behind and along side Mike Bibby, but Petrie insisted that Douby was the better player. No one doubts that Douby can "light it up" (first weed joke made about Quincy Douby as a pro, right here on The Barnesyard!), and you know Petrie just can't resist a shooter. Petrie loves tall guards, undersized big men, and anything that can shoot. He's living in the 1970's...just look at his hair.

New Jersey eventually selected Marcus Williams at #22, providing the perfect successor to Jason Kidd. They also made themselves tougher in the middle by taking Josh Boone, another Connecticut Huskie, with the 23rd pick. They'll be a force in the East over the next few years.

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Up next: Movie reviews - "A Prairie Home Companion"; "The Devil and Daniel Johnston"; and more!

Sports Talk

2006-06-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

The NBA draft will be held tonight. I don't follow amateur basketball, so I don't know much about the players who will be selected. DP will be happy to know that an I-tie may be selected first -- forward Andrea Bargnani, who is supposed to be more seasoned and NBA-ready than most of the international players who have been selected in recent years. More importantly, he's not Serbian.

Some of the other names being bandied about up at the top of the draft are Rudy Gay from Connecticut, Tyrus Thomas from LSU, Brandon Roy of Washington State, and LaMarcus Aldridge of Texas Southern. Florida's Joachim Noah, who carried his team to the NCAA championship a few months back, decided to return to school and go #1 next year.

One of the names that seems to have dropped down the board in recent weeks is Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (pictured above), who was the best overall college player last year. Some mock drafts have dropped Morrison all the way to the 8th pick! I assume there are questions about his versatility and durability (he has diabetes, although if Lance Armstrong can win the Tour de France with a cancerous teste, I don't see why a guy can't play basketball with a fucked-up pancreas. Honestly, I don't see how any team could pass this guy up. Not only is he a marketing wet dream, and easily the furriest player to come along in decades, but I think he is going to be a legitimately great NBA player who will be able to score at will. Toronto would be a fool to pass him up at #1, especially considering that he fills a desperate need for a scorer who can stretch the defense and let their young big men work.

The Sacramento Kings hold the 19th pick in this year's draft, and it's anyone's guess how they'll use it. They seem to be focusing on point guards and big men, which is positive news, since they are thin at those positions. However, Geoff Petrie can never seem to resist an athletic swingman, no matter how many we already have on the roster (at last count, 11). Some mock drafts have predicted that the Kings will select a point guard, either Jordan Farmar of UCLA or Sergio Rodriguez from Spain. But drafting a point guard is dicey, since they usually take a lot longer to develop. The Kings would be smarter to go after a big man who can contribute as a role player right away, and attempt to resign Bobby Jackson (or make a trade) to fill their backup point guard hole. 6-foot-11 Hilton Armstrong of UConn seems like a dream pick, but he will probably be selected higher. There are a lot of trade rumors swirling around the draft, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the Kings get involved (after all, the Jason Williams-for-Bibby deal was a draft day move), especially if they are looking to draft a power forward.

The Bee's Joe Davidson predicted that Florida State's Alexander Johnson, an athletic 6-10 forward, would go to the Kings tonight.

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I was sad to see that The Barnesyard's favorite baseball man, Peter Gammons, underwent brain surgery after being a stricken with an aneurysm early this week. Unlike most of the players he covered, the Hall-of-Famer Gammons has always been in his prime. He's one of the reasons I feel in love with baseball again in my adulthood. We wish him well.

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The Barnesyard's Oakland A's lost in San Diego last night, but they are still in first place, and still the sexy pick to win the World Series. At least three Oakland players should be selected for the All-Star Game next month -- Eric Chavez, Nick Swisher, and Barry Zito. There has been some hubbub in the San Francisco papers because Swisher and A's pitcher Joe Blanton were spotted throwing down a thousand bucks on vodka at a New York nightclub when the team was in town to play the Yankees. A thousand bucks? It's New York! That's a couple of rounds, a bag of chips, and a cab ride back to the hotel, right?

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Dwayne Wade: still Jordan.

Barnesyard Question of the Day -- The Quintessential James Spader?

2006-06-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

As we were driving to Davis a couple of weeks ago to watch "Stargate", DP, Jessica, and myself considered the question of the quintessential James Spader performance. This would not necessarily be the best Spader film, but rather the performance that captures the true essence of Spader. "Stargate", in which Spader plays a nerdy, time-travelling scientist, is perhaps his most atypical role. We each had our own personal picks, but I thought I would put it to the vote. Would you say that the quintessential James Spader performace is:

-the sleazy yuppie in "Pretty in Pink"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Mannequin"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Less Than Zero"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "sex, lies, and videotape"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Bad Influence"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Wolf"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Crash"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Secretary"?
-or write-in your own favorite sleazy yuppie role.

DAN'S PICK:

Of course, Spader's career has found new life in recent years thanks to his award-winning role as a sleazy yuppie on the TV show "Boston Legal". But to me, he will always be the sleazy yuppie from "LESS THAN ZERO". This 1987 movie, unfaithfully adapted from a Bret Easton Ellis novel, is fairly indefensible filmmaking, but it will always be legendary for Spader's smarmy-ooze performance as a cynical and manipulative drug dealer holding a Beverly Hills coke addict played by Robert Downey, Jr. under his thumb. The central characters in "Less Than Zero" (played by Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz) are complete duds, but the film comes alive whenever Spader and Downey share screentime. Spader is more evil and more charming than anyone else in the movie.

For a somewhat less typical Spader performance, I would recommend "The Music of Chance", with Mandy Patinkin, Charles Durning, and Joel Grey. Spader and Patinkin play oddball roaming gamblers who lose their shirts (and their freedom) a pair of exponentially more oddball gamblers. Adapted from Paul Auster, it's an underrated gem.

The Moo-Vee Shed-U-Will

2006-06-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

"Dr. Strangelove" is playing at 10 p.m. at the Regal in Davis tonight. "Beetlejuice" shows at the UA Arden. The Retro Revival Thursday showings have been popular enough to spawn a third version at the UA in Roseville -- "The Goonies" shows there tonight.

There is a special on TCM tonight called "Billy Wilder Speaks" -- I believe it is a German-language interview conducted in the 1980's which Wilder stipulated could not show before his death. It shows at 8:30 p.m. tonight, but they will probably re-run it throughout the month.

Andy Garcia's "The Lost City" premieres at The Crest this weekend -- it has gotten mostly bad reviews so far. The Tower has the same old stuff, although I haven't seen either. Does anyone who has seen "Prarie Home Companion" or "An Inconvenient Truth" care to comment?

"Click" with Adam Sandler and "Waist Deep" with Tyrese are the only major releases at the multiplexes this weekend. They both look like crap.

Has anyone seen anything in the theaters of late that they'd like to talk about? The only thing I've seen in recent weeks is "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift", which I'm proud to report is sort of a movie. Look for a review tonight or tomorrow, time allowed.

The Final Chapter, Part 2

2006-06-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's time for another heartwarming visit from the only Barnesyard staffmember ever to have invented rock and roll, Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach, Little Richard. He's back with one last installment in his series of inspirational moral tales for today's wayward youth, a little segment we like to call:

Little Richard Presents: Little Richard's One to Grow On, By Little Richard

This week's episode: The Holy Bond of Marriage

"There was one time we were in this hotel in Bloomsfield, West Virginia. They had a rule like you couldn't bring in any girl unless she's your wife. Well, this girl came over and she was really wild. She would take anything. All the band guys at once. We didn't know she was married. Her husband was downstairs trying to find out if his wife was up there with us. He was banging on the door, and we were trying to get her out. But she didn't want to go! She said, 'I don't wanna leave now, I'm enjoying myself!' The guys didn't care and I had to plead with them to let her go. Eventually we sneaked her down the fire escape, but it was close. The hotel was a wooden building and this guy was downstairs threatening to put a match to it and burn it down! That's the fun part, you see, when you're sneakin'. Makes it very much more exciting.

But it got difficult to have sex parties after a time, because we were so popular."

...and that's One to Grow On, By Little Richard.

Next week on One to Grow On - the uplifting final chapter.

The Big Fat Three-Oh

2006-06-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, your old buddy the Barnesyard is turning 30 next month. I know that a lot of people meet this milestone with grace and dignity, but not me. I don't like grace and dignity...not my style. In fact, I am determined to react with as much bitterness, neurosis, and anxiety as possible. That's more my speed.

30. What the fuck is that all about? I was only 21 years old when I first got a job at the Tower Theater. Hey A-Max, is that not some fucking depressing-ass shit?

Right now, I'm still a chubby young ragamuffin, but in a few weeks I will just be a fat old crank. I turned on the MTV the other night, and I swear it was like a foreign fucking language. They're just talking over the music! Benny Goodman...now that's some real shit. Hey Puff Snoopy Dogg, learn to play a clarinet, and then we'll talk. I used to look forward to summer vacations...the only thing I have to look forward to now is the occasional colonscopy (or more likely, the frequent colonscopy...thanks a bunch for the family history of prostate cancer, God!). I used to be afraid that girls were laughing at me behind my back...now I can rest assured that they are.

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In happier news, my John Ford/John Wayne piece is in this week's Sacramento News and Review, page 46 (along with my usual In the Mix review on page 782G). I think it came off really good, maybe better than anything else I've done for them. You all need to read my review, but more importantly, you need to make your voices heard to the bigwigs at the paper. Otherwise, me and Little Richard will never be able to get a proper chokehold on this jerkwater burg.

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Dig the old Barnesyard logo! You might recall that Darcey whipped this up for me last fall. I tried to upload it as the picture for my profile, but it far exceeded the 50 KB limit. Hey Blogger, why don't you kilo-byte my ass 50 times?!

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Up next: Little Richard's One to Grow On - The Final Chapter

Too Little Richard, Too Late

2006-06-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I caught an old episode of Full House guest-starring Sacramento's Own Little Richard. The plot revolved around Joey (Dave Coulier) running for PTA President in order to save the school's arts program. One of the kids' friends turned out to be Little Richard's niece, so naturally The Georgia Peach shows up at the Tanner household to play a Casio keyboard version of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while the kids dance around him...it's pretty hateful. Joey ends up recruiting Little Richard to play at a campaign rally...not only does The Peach agree to perform for free, but he doesn't even try to bugger John Stamos! Apparently, The Quasar had turned over a new leaf in the 80's. The only true Little Richard touch in the epidsode is that he shows up hours late for the gig (the Peach was notorious for lateness), which forces the Tanner gang to perform a series of impromptu skits and musical numbers. Finally, The Peach shows up to perform a mediocre version of "Keep A-Knockin'", which brings down the house and boosts Joey to victory (this is despite the fact that only 15 people show up for the rally, and over half of them are Tanners). The subsequent backstage bisexual orgy is left discreetly offscreen. Essentially, the episode is the usual collection of creepy, quasi-heartwarming moments -- Joey poorly imitating Daffy Duck, the PTA President admiring Joey's butt in jeans (with sweater tucked in, natch), Joey performing Captain and Tennille with an 8 year-old boy, and Joey doing anything at all. But wait just a moment, you say...doesn't John Stamos sit in on drums for Little Richard's band while wearing a leather vest and no shirt? Man, if you have to ask, you just don't get rock and roll.

The Vindication of The Barnesyard

2006-06-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

With apologies to Dub, Jesse, FFT, and all the other haters, there is no room left on the Wade-is-Jordan bandwagon. Jesse actually stopped by my desk yesterday to predict that Wade would get "shut down" by the Mavericks in Game 6. He even predicted that The Next Jordan would only shoot 5-for-15 from the field. So how did Dwayne Wade do in the biggest game of his life on a hostile visitor's floor? Try 36 points on 10-for-18 shooting, not to mention 10 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals, and 3 blocked shots on for size. If it looks like Jordan, sounds like Jordan, and kicks your ass like Jordan...it's probably Jordan.

And don't even try to sell me that Kobe Bryant shit. Yeah, Kobe won 3 titles with Shaq, but do you honestly think that that Kobe would have led the Lakers to victory in a closeout game in which Shaq didn't even score 10 points?

Wade is Jordan...case closed.

The Vindication of Huey

2006-06-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

Sacramento has a new drug -- and its name is Huey Lewis. By a convincing count of 9-5, Huey received a resounding bump from the Barnesyard Nation. Jesse, who's anti-Huey comments inspired the vote in the first place, didn't even bother to weigh in on the issue. I guess that shows how much he cares about the democratic process.

Erik, I'm sorry that the debate was powerful enough to cause Huey Lewis-related nightmares. I recently had a similar experience. I had never watched American Idol until this spring, when I watched the last few episodes of the season. After the finale, I had two American Idol-related dreams in one week. I don't remember the second, but the first involved my tenure as songwriter for Taylor Hicks. I must have written an album's worth of material, and I can safely say that despite my utter lack of musical talent or songwriting experience, everything that my unconscious brain produced was better than that "Do I Make You Proud?" bullshit.

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In other Jesse-was-wrong news, space is running out on my Dwayne-Wade-is-the-best-player-in-the-NBA bandwagon. Jesse told me I was lunatic for even considering Wade over LeBron James. Obviously, James is going to be great, but let's face it -- Wade is Jordan. The thing about both those guys is that you can barely imagine that a team with Wade or Jordan could ever lose. LeBron will get his chance to win a championship, but Wade is going to win a lot of them. And as Becky pointed out, he's a huge Jane Austen fan.

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Up next: My weekend in Tokyo -- Ozu's "Tokyo Story" and "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift".

At the Movies

2006-06-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Me, DP, and Jessica went to Davis to watch "Stargate" (1994 - Dir.: Roland Emmerich) last night. I hadn't seen that movie since it last played in theaters -- I worked at the Century Stadium when "Stargate" first came out, and I would often slip into the theater during my breaks and watch it in pieces. I honestly don't think I had ever seen the film from start to finish, as there were a lot of elements I didn't remember. For example, the introduction of Kurt Russell's character, who is first seen as a long-haired burnout suicide case mourning his dead son. I also forgot there are these mini-Bantha-like creatures on the other side of the Stargate who look pretty decent in long shots but terrible in closeups. And Jaye Davidson's role is even paltrier than I remembered -- after "The Crying Game", he was able to pull down a cool million (and then retreated from the publiceye) for a glorified walk-on in "Stargate". He plays the sun God Ra, who travels through space in a giant pyramid. That seems pretty cool, but Davidson just sort of vamps mildly about the room, and then side-glares at someone with his eyes lit up by special effects. I also realized for the first time that he's almost a dead ringer for Chloe Sevigny. Another problem with "Stargate" is that it doesn't cater to the strengths of its stars. Kurt Russell as the military martinet seems like apt casting, but the character is actually quite morose and dull. Spader as a dweeby archaeologist is a disaster -- as soon as he jumped on board, they should have just made his character a yuppie sleazeball. I mean, why not? It's not exactly a boring movie, it just doesn't try very hard. David Paul assures me that the TV series does a much more thorough job of exploring the concept of the Stargate. I'll have to take his word for it. GRADE: C.

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Dwayne Wade: Best player in the NBA, who's with me?

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Trash city at the multiplexes this weekend: "Nacho Libre", "The Lake House", "Fast and the Furious: "Tokyo Drift", and "Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties"

Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It: Music Edition

2006-06-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world, I would just be able to say "Do You Believe in Love" and get an automatic bump on principle. But apparently there are still a few of you out there who don't believe in love, so I have to ask the question:

Huey Lewis - Bump It or Dump It?

On the bump side, you've got "The Heart of Rock and Roll", "Heart and Soul", "Doing It All For My Baby", "Trouble in Paradise", "The Power of Love", "If This is It", "Bad is Bad", "Workin' for a Livin'", "It's Alright", "I Want a New Drug", "Do You Believe in Love", "Stuck With You", and countless others. OK, no others, but still...Huey could sing the fuck out of a song (not to mention the plethora of sax solos that weave their way through the Huey ouevre).

On the dump side, you have Jesse's argument that Huey Lewis is the epitome of 80's corporate rock (supposedly bolstered by the fact that Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho" is a huge Huey fan). I don't see it myself, but you shouldn't let the fact that Jesse has been known to associate with terrorists affect your decision (unless you're like me and hate terrorists).

Of course, not everyone who hates Huey Lewis is a soulless, Jesse-esque monster, so I will once again put my faith in the democratic process and open up the ol' ballot box.

What do you say, Barnesyard Nation? Huey Lewis - Bump It or Dump It?

The Barnesyard Decides What the Best Bruce Springsteen Song Ever Is...

2006-06-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

It's "Backstreets".

The Schedule

2006-06-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of posting...Maryland is meeting in Special Session, so I have to babysit that shit.

I haven't seen any movies this week -- my enthusiasm for theatrical runs has waned now that I don't necessarily get free movies anymore. I know what you're thinking...it's a disgrace that The Barnesyard should have to pay for movies, and a stain on our fair city. And after all that I've done for this lousy, one-horse town.

"Prairie Home Companion" opened last week at The Tower -- Darcey says, "eh." Al Gore's documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" opened as well -- DP says that he "has a gut feeling" that it's bullshit.

At the Crest, there's the Nick Cave-penned western "The Proposition", along with the Cannes 2005 winner "L'Enfant". "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" opens Friday. All look interesting.

As for wide releases, there's Jack Black in "Nacho Libre", Keanu/Bullock in "The Lake House", and the Poor Man's Paul Walker in "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift". All look pretty crap-lousy.

This Thursday night, "Flashdance" plays on the big screen of the Arden Fair at 10 p.m., while "Stargate" shows in Davis at the same time. Tough call -- if DP wants to go, it's "Stargate; if not, "Flashdance".

The great Yasujiro Ozu film "Tokyo Story" (#24 on the Barnesyard 102) plays Saturday night at the Crest. Tickets are 10 bucks, well worth it for this rare treat. I understand that Jim Lane and Carla Meyer are planning to stay at home and rewatch their screener tapes of "Poseidon" and "Cars".

The Rest of the Summer

2006-06-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to imagine that people constantly stop me on the street and ask, "Hey Barnesyard, now that "X3", "MI3", "Cars", and "Prairie Home Companion" have been released, that's the end of the huge, big-budget summer blockbusters, right? The summer movie season's over, right? Nothing left to live for, right? American film really IS a bottomless sinkhole of inane product and moral bankruptcy, right?

Well, you're completely wrong except for that last one (boy, you really nailed that one on the head). Sure, Hollywood frontloaded the summer season with blockbusters and sequels to avoid going head-to-head internationally with the World Cup, but there are still a few tangible possibilities for decent summer movie entertainment left, or at least a cool place to sit.

That's why I've compiled The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer. Here are the films, listed in no particular order, and with apologies to "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties".

-"A Scanner Darkly" (Richard Linklater, trippy animation, and 90's has beens)
-"Talladega Nights" (with Will Ferrell, hoping for a reprisal of that "Anchorman" magic)
-"Idlewild" (Outkast musical promises to be like nothing else released this summer)
-"World Trade Center" (the film that will either save Oliver Stone or destroy him forever)
-"Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" (for reasons that should be plainly obvious)
-"The Illusionist" (Sundance fave starring Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti as competing magicians)
-"Lady in the Water" (more Giamatti, this time in another M. Night Shyamalan what-the-fuck-was-that-thing-in-that-thing fest)
-"Pirates of the Carribbean 2" (Keira Knightley wears boots and swashbuckles (I'm assuming that's something nasty)...plus, if you don't watch, "Pirates 3" won't make a lick of sense)
-"Miami Vice" (how do Michael Mann movies always cost $100 million to make if the entire film is shot with handheld camera?)
-"The Devil and Daniel Johnston" (this documentary opens next week -- I'm not a big Johnston fan, but it came down to this one or "Nacho Libre")

Keep in mind that I have limited my list only to those films that I am confident will be released in our fair city between now and August. I have omitted not only the films currently showing in Sacramento I haven't seen, but also independent movies, foreign films, and documentaries with sketchy release dates. Here are a few of those intriguing films that may or may not get released in Sacramento this summer:

-Wordplay (a doc. about crossword puzzle enthusiasts)
-The Science of Sleep (the new Michel Gondry film)
-Little Miss Sunshine (family comedy-drama with Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin)
-Strangers With Candy (finally...maybe)
-Russian Dolls (Cedric Klapisch's followup to "L'Auberge Espagnole")
-Coastlines (new Victor Nunez movie)
-Beerfest (new Broken Lizard movie seems like a potential return to form. Rumor has it that Mike Dub is already scheduling plans to argue that it's only funny if you're stoned)

Happy watching, everyone!

Week-End

2006-06-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I was able to pile in SIX John Wayne/John Ford movies this weekend -- 1 on Friday, 3 on Saturday, and 2 on Sunday...so many drunken, singing, fighting Irishmen! Pearl Harbor was bombed twice, the 7th Cavalry charged at least half a dozen times, and John Wayne just would not stop punching people! Good times, though...look for my piece in the News and Review the week after next.

***************

I watched "Over the Hedge" last night...it's pleasant enough, but none of it sticks with you. There are some cute critters, decent voice work, and a couple of fairly entertaining chase scenes, dsfbut I can't say I laughed with any regularity or conviction. DP and Jessica, on the other hand, felt surprisingly entertained by the picture. I think it's a harmless, watchable movie, but a bit of a dud. GRADE: C+.

***************

Check back this afternoon for my Summer Movie List.

Well...

2006-06-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

Things are looking pretty dead around here, so maybe I'll just wait until Monday to post my summer movies list. I have 6 John Ford movies to watch, so this will be a busy weekend. See you next week!

The Final Chapter

2006-06-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

It's been an amazing ride, but Barnesyard Staff Writer Little Richard has submitted the final installment of Little Richard Presents: Little Richard's One to Grow On, By Little Richard, a vitalizing series of inspirational stories for today's troubled youth.

Volume 6: The Winds of Change

"I developed a specially close relationship with Paul McCartney, but me and John couldn't make it. John had a nasty personality. He was different from Paul and George, they were sweet. You know, submissive. John and Ringo had strange personalities, both of them. John would do his no-manners [break wind] and jump over and fan it all over the room, and I didn't like it. Sometimes he would do two in a row and say, 'Oooh whee! He did two tonight!' It would bother me. I didn't want to hear that sutff, y'know."

...and that's One to Grow On, By Little Richard

Next week on Little Richard's One to Grow On: the uplifting final chapter.

*************

I know that there probably a few of you out there who for some reason don't like Sir Paul McCartney, who recently had his heart crushed by ampu-ho Heather Mills. For those people, I have this message, which I deliver with all due respect: I sincerely believe that you are a sick individual, and I urge you to seek counseling and copious amounts of psychotropic medication immediately. Maybe you've never heard of the band that McCartney used to be in called the BEATLES???!!! They had a few hits back in the 60's...give them a listen, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Seriously though, you should probably report yourself to the Department of Homeland Security right away, on the off chance that you might be a terrorist. Jesse, you should just report yourself regardless.

A Few Things

2006-06-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Hey Dub, did you know that the German-language title for "Pushing Tin" was "Turbulenzen - und andere Katastrophen"? Not so terrible anymore, is it?

*********

Bruce "King of the Press Release Review" Dancis wrote about the John Ford/John Wayne box set in today's paper. Don't poison your mind by reading it, just wait another couple of weeks for my News and Review piece. I will only need 300 words to do a smarter, more perceptive version of his two-page yawner. Don't forget that Dancis is the man who once claimed that "Singin' in the Rain" was not a great musical because it wasn't nominated for an Academy Award. That's how his twisted mind operates.

*********

Well, surprise, surprise, Blogger was acting like a cocksucker again yesterday, so I didn't get to publish my top 10 films of the rest of the summer. Look for that list later today.

A few movies that won't make the cut:

-"Cars", because fuck a buncha cars.
-"Superman Returns", already a presold hit, and a fairly crap-lousy-looking one at that. I have forbidden Darcey from watching the new movie until she sees the Christopher Reeve original, especially since it appears that they are recycling Brando's part. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor? Great idea for a MadTV sketch, terrible idea in any other context.
-"Snakes On a Plane" - I just don't get it. Manufactured hype on a grand scale. This is a movie where you get excited about the DVD rental, not the theatrical release.
-Anything that opened this week, because it's already old news.
-"Click", for obvious reasons.

****************

Up next: Little Richard's One to Grow On...The Inspirational Final Chapter

Billy Bob Cruises to Victory; Cruise/Kilmer Ticket Demands Recount

2006-06-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Despite campaigning in a ridiculous beret, Billy Bob Thornton sailed to victory this week, claiming 12 Bumps against 2 Dumps. After Brian De Palma's 7-1 blowout last week, that makes two laughers in a row. So is everyone down to go watch "Mr. Woodcock" together on opening weekend? Better start queueing up months in advance, "Phantom Menace"-style.

William Robert Thornton, you have been OFFICIALLY BUMPED.

I already have a new Bump It or Dump It candidate in mind for next week, but I am always open to suggestions. Drop me a line at barnesyard@comcast.net.

UP NEXT: The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer

Ford Explorer

2006-06-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

Obviously, Blogger has been eff-you-muthafuckin'-see-kayed today, which is why there were no posts or comments (yeah, THAT's why, Barnesyard). Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

At any rate, I'm up to my neck in John Ford at the moment. I am reviewing the brand new 8-movie John Ford/John Wayne box set on a one-week deadline for an upcoming News and Review issue. One of the films in the set is "The Searchers", my favorite movie of all time, so I'm pretty excited to write about that.

In addition, there are several new In the Mix reviews that will be trickling out in the next month, including a few quintessential classic Barnesyard-ian quips that ALLLLLL the kids will be repeating ad nauseum for the next several years (Maxwell, I apologize in advance).

Last week, FFT expressed confusion over whether my review of "The Devil's Miner" was a postive or a negative one. Besides the fact that this was not my best piece of writing, this highlights the differences between writing the blog and writing for publication.

Unlike the rampant self-indulgence of the blogosphere, the News and Review has a very limited space to work in -- In the Mix reviews are a little over a hundred words long, and Bring This Home pieces are 300 words. There are also different demands for the published review, such as plot descriptions, complete sentences, and relevance, that sometimes leave little space for a personal mark.

I also don't get to give my traditional letter grade to the movies, so in the interests of clarification, here are the grades for all of the films I've written about for the News and Review. This will finally allow you to translate my News and Review articles into the language of The Barnesyard, a discrepancy that I'm certain has led to many a restless night.

-The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio: C
-Ellie Parker: B-
-Mr. Arkadin - The Comprehensive Version: A-
-Cross of Iron: C+
-Magic: B
-The Devil's Miner: B+
-Nathalie...: C-

Tomorrow: The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer!

Billy Bobbing to the Top

2006-06-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

It seems as though Billy Bob Thornton will be having an easier time claiming victory today than either Westly or Angelides...at last count, the Billy Bob Bumps lead the Billy Bob Dumps by a count of 7 to 2. I'll leave the polls open for another day or so to give the stragglers a chance to vote, but it appears that a last-minute upset is unlikely.

I read the EW wrapup of the Cannes Film Festival, and it went a little like this:

-Richard Kelly's "Donnie Darko" followup, the 2 1/2-hour plus "Southland Tales", was savaged "Brown Bunny" style.
-Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette" severely divided the crowd.
-everyone lost their shit over Almodovar's "Volver", starring Penelope Cruz.
-Linklater's two entries -- "Fast Food Nation" and "A Scanner Darkly" were generally well-received, as was "Babel", Alejandro Innaritu's followup to "21 Grams".
-Sascha Baron Cohen's "Borat" feature film -- directed by Larry Charles of "Masked and Anonymous" fame" -- seemed to get the most universally positive reception.
-Kevin Smith's "Clerks 2" received an eight-minute standing ovation, but I've seen the preview and it sure does look terrible!
-British filmmaker Ken Loach's "The Wind That Shakes the Barley", a 1920's-set IRA film starring Cillian Murphy, won the top prize. It will probably receive a token release in America.

I'll be back later today/tonight with some more movie talk.

Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It, Take 5

2006-06-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

This week's Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It comes from long-time reader/first-time e-mailer CorvusConway. She suggested that a certain FIVE-times-married/FIVE-times-divorced Hot Springs, Arkansas native be put up to the vote. The man in question is the son of a psychic, a former (and current) country-rock musician, and ex-struggling scriptwriter who went from scraping by on TV sitcoms to appearing in some of the most garish blockbusters of the modern era. He also has a famous phobia of antique furniture, and in case you were wondering, his real given name is William Robert.

Of course, we're talking about Billy Bob Thornton. But before the verdict, a brief filmography:

One False Move (also coscripted)
Indecent Proposal
Bound by Honor
Tombstone
Floundering
On Deadly Ground
Dead Man
Sling Blade (also directed, scripted)
A Family Thing (coscripted only)
Princess Mononoke (voice)
U Turn
The Apostle
Primary Colors
Homegrown
Armageddon
A Simple Plan
Pushing Tin
The Gift (coscripted only)
All the Pretty Horses (directed, coproduced only)
The Man Who Wasn't There
Bandits
Monster's Ball
Daddy and Them (also directed, scripted)
Waking Up in Reno
Levity
Intolerable Cruelty
Love Actually
Bad Santa
The Alamo
Friday Night Lights
The Bad News Bears
The Ice Harvest
The Astronaut Farmer (slated for 2006 - new film from the makers of fucking "Northfork")
Mr. Woodcock/School for Scoundrels (both slated for 2006, both appear to be broad comedies -- the former is pictured above, the latter is directed by Todd Smith of "Old School" fame)

DAN'S TAKE... (remember that I am rating Billy Bob's performances, not the films themselves)

THE GOOD: One False Move; Dead Man; Sling Blade; U Turn; The Apostle; Primary Colors; A Simple Plan; The Gift; The Man Who Wasn't There; Bandits; Monster's Ball; Bad Santa

THE BAD: Floundering; All the Pretty Horses; Love Actually

THE INDIFFERENT: Indecent Proposal; A Family Thing; Armageddon; Pushing Tin; Intolerable Cruelty; Daddy and Them; Levity; Bad News Bears; The Ice Harvest

HAVEN'T SEEN: Bound by Honor; On Deadly Ground; Homegrown; Waking Up in Reno; The Alamo; Friday Night Lights

THE VERDICT:

As Billy Bob Thornton has grown as an actor, so he has recessed as a filmmaker. When he broke through with "Sling Blade" in 1996 (he had already made a name by coscripting the brilliant Southern noir "One False Move" in 1992), it seemed as though he would be a true triple threat, but I wouldn't be surprised if his writing and directing days are officially over -- he hasn't had a script produced since 2000, and hasn't directed a film in roughly the same amount of time. Moreover, his last two efforts were heavily compromised and not particularly good -- "Daddy and Them" was a vanity project starring then-girlfriend Laura Dern that was shot in 1998 and never released theatrically, while the Carson McCullers adaptation "All the Pretty Horses" was similarly delayed, with Thornton's original cut running over 4 hours (the enervated final cut is barely watchable at 114 minutes).

Once we acknowledge that the success of "One False Move", "Sling Blade", and Katie Holmes' nude scene in "The Gift" are at least partially attributable to Thornton's behind-the-camera work, we are left to judge Thornton's career solely as an actor.

I'll admit it right off the bat: I'm a huge fan. Whether he's a one-scene walk-on in a terrible film ("Indecent Proposal"), a small part of an ensemble cast ("Dead Man", "U Turn", "Armageddon"), a supporting player ("Primary Colors", "The Apostle"), or a star ("Levity", "Bad Santa"), he always commands the screen. No matter if the movie is good, bad, or in between, Thornton is usually the best thing about whatever he's in.

"Sling Blade" (based on his own short film) was the breakthrough film, and although I have a feeling that it may not age well, his performance as the mentally deficient but morally decent Karl Childers proved his chameleonic talent. He never breaks character for a moment and seems totally in tune with the part.

From then on, it seemed as though he would balance strong character roles with his own writing and directing projects. However, he had a second breakthrough in 1998, playing slobby sidekick to Bill Paxton in the perennially underrated "A Simple Plan". He managed to make his character pathetic and sympathetic at the same time, and received another Oscar nomination for it. Suddenly, it seemed like a career behind the camera would be a waste of his talents.

2001 was the Year of Billy Bob -- he starred in three different films and played three completely different characters, all of them convincingly. He was a psychologically damaged bigot in "Monster's Ball" and a Woody-esque neurotic in the broad comedy "Bandits", but it was as the enigmatic murderer Ed Crane in the Coens' "The Man Who Wasn't There" that he cemented his greatness. He managed to cut through the Coens' omnipresent undercurrent of archness to bring out remarkable layers of sadness and desperation in a character who outwardly reveals nothing.

Since then, Thornton's career has been a bit of a mixed bag -- "Bad Santa" couldn't have existed without Billy Bob's penchant for fully inhabiting his characters, but everything else has been fair to mediocre. He was cast in the Matthau role in "Bad News Bears", and while I have no problem seeing Thornton as the modern-day Matthau, his performance was uninspired (the movie itself is a product of the PG-13 era -- gross but tame). In "The Ice Harvest" and "Levity", he was once again the best part of a mediocre endeavor.

In the end, Thornton has given at least a half dozen performances of uncommon depth and understanding, and is almost always fun to watch. His upcoming slate of films doesn't get my blood racing, but I have to assume there is another Ed Crane or Karl Childers in his future.

BUMP IT!

Now that I've had my say, I will once again put my trust in the democratic process and officially open up the ballot box. What do you say, Barnesyard Nation? Billy Bob Thornton...Bump It or Dump It?