The Barnesyard

Barnesyard Closed; ESFS Open

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Thu, 21 May 2009 20:11:00 +0000

This blog is closed, but my latest endeavor, The E Street Film Society, is now open.

Box Office Barnesyard

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 17:50:00 +0000

There are six new films opening in Sacramento this weekend. In the multiplexes, Ashton Kutcher's "The Guardian" opens against Ashton Kutcher's animated "Open Season". What a duel. Elsewhere, the long-delayed "School for Scoundrels" (starring Barnesyard Bump-ee Billy Bob Thornton) finally debuts. The Crest is opening both Michel Gondry's "The Science of Sleep" and "Heading South", starring a typically oversexed Charlotte Rampling. The Tower has nothing new, but is holding "Feast" over for another round of 11:25 p.m. showings tonight and tomorrow. A film called "Facing the Giants" opens on five area screens, because America needs a Christo-fascist feel-good football movie now more than ever. Here are my picks for the top 5 films in the country:

1) Open Season
2) Jackass 2
3) School For Scoundrels
4) The Guardian
5) The Gridiron Gang

We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

*************

By the way, don't forget that "The American Astronaut" (which had a one-week stint at the Tower a few years back) is playing tonight at The Fools Foundation on 21st and K (behind the Spaghetti Factory). Admission is five bucks, and one of the film's production designers will be on hand to talk about the movie.

Sweet, Delicious Grapes

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 05:59:00 +0000

As I'm sure you all know by now, Heckasac (aka Sacramento's Own The Sacramento Peach) once again took SN&R's prize for top local blog, despite the fact that she's a Canadian citizen and is thus technically ineligible. The folks at SacRag took second place, and the bronze medal went to Mark Williams' radio blog (a blog for neo-conservatice fascist douchebags? Now I've heard everything!).

I know what you're all thinking...The Barnesyard - a close fourth place, right? Actually, I got a little inside dirt from my sources at the News and Review regarding the tabulations. It seems a little dubious, so I'll have to go back and doublecheck the info, but apparently The Barnesyard received slightly fewer votes than just mashing your palms into the keyboard and entering the results into an address bar. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Barnesyard was actually beaten by any random series of numbers, letters, and symbols that could be typed into a search engine. 5eye7u6j6reyegf(*ujaohff - that got more votes than I did. Ditto 48u4uhf4u98h4hp9h89p4wfhpq and lsjkdffasd;ljkfasd;jklf. Ouch.

*************

Hey Jesse, did you hear that Terrell Owens tried to commit suicide? What's that about? Seriously, what's that about?

*************

I'm knee-deep in Almodovar at the moment (I watched 4 in the past couple of days, with 4 more to go), but I'll trickle out a few Barnesyard-only pieces here and there. I'll have my weekly box office predictions up sometime this morning.

Movie Reviews

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 00:40:00 +0000

Here a few new and new-ish movies I've watched recently:

-"The Black Dahlia" (2006 - Dir.: Brian De Palma) Muddy L.A. noir sort of revolving around gruesome real-life murder case. Starts well, drags in the middle (with a distinct shortage of De Palma-esque showpiece sequences), ultimately infuriates. Adapting James Ellroy, De Palma shows little interest in the murder story, instead gumming up the works with an overabundance of femme fatales (at least half a dozen, by my count) and loose ends. Johannsen is stunning as ever (is she the modern-day Lana Turner?), but she's barely in the movie. Even Hilary Swank looks pretty good, thanks to a black wig and a heroic push-up bra, but her character is beyond ludicrous - the hook is that she's supposed to be a dead ringer for the murdered girl, but the two don't even bear a glancing resemblance. Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart are OK as the requisite cops-on-the-edge, but they just go to show that there are no more Sterling Haydens and Robert Ryans out there. A disappointment. GRADE: C.

-"Feast" (2006 - Dir.: John Gulager) "Project: Greenlight" contest winner John Gulager bears the distinction of being the only person ever associated with that program who deserves to ever work in film. Of course, the competition is hardly feirce - season 1 product "Stolen Summer" is the most anti-Semitic film masquerading as a feel-good message of religious tolerance in Hollywood history; season 2's "The Battle of Shaker Heights", by comparison, was just run-of-the-mill terrible, but a movie only in the loosest sense of the word. "Feast" is a jolly grossout flick about a bunch of cwaaaaazy characters battling ravenous alien beasts in a middle-of-nowhere road house - it's not good, but at least it's something. If nothing else, you can appreciate that Gulager attempted something satiric and bizarre - with just a little extra time and money, it would have even been worth a regular theatrical release. I maintain that the "Project Greenlight" format set up its winners to fail by severely abbreviating their pre-production time. In "Feast", the corner-cutting manifests itself in the presentation of the aliens, who just don't look cool or scary or threatening, and Gulager's shaky-cam technique renders most of the action incomprehensible. I have to appreciate Gulager's gusto, but I can't recommend the film. GRADE: C-. [NOTE: "Feast" was held over for another weekend of midnight showings. The Friday night screening I attended was about 2/3 full.]

-"Cinemania" (2002 - Dir.: Angela Christlie/Stephen Kijak) Entertaining but skin-deep documentary about film obsessives in New York. The film profiles five kinda-creepy New Yorkers whose lives consist of one screening after another, to the exclusion of friends, family, jobs, and actual lives. All five are interesting subjects, and I couldn't help but be compelled by the subject (and feel some pangs of jealousy over the great films they get to see on the big screen), but the filmmakers never cut beneath the quirky surface. All 5 of the cinemaniacs seem have to accepted film as a substitute for certain emotional and physical satisfactions that frighten or elude them (one 40-ish adult lives with his mother, most live in squalor, and all are sexually repressed), but the filmmakers seem content to play them for laughs. GRADE: B-.

"The Ballad of Jack and Rose" (2005 - Dir.: Rebecca Miller) Daniel Day-Lewis (husband of director Miller) gives a sensitive and nuanced performance as a brilliant and utopian-minded ex-hippie living in flirty seclusion with his savage-innocent daughter on a remote East Coast island. Their routine is disrupted first by the forces of progress (a developer is building tract homes on the island's protected wetlands) and next by the father's affair with a neurotic divorcee from town played by Catherine Keener. When Day-Lewis invites Keener and her two teenage sons into their private world, the daughter (played by Camilla Belle) reacts with innocence, wonder, and vengeance. Good for the first two-thirds, but undermined by bad writing in the last third, even as the film heads toward an inevitable conclusion. Worth a look if you've got the patience, but Miller's wandering camera style has been known to drive some people crazy. GRADE: B-.

**********

OK, that'll do for now. I'll try to get my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape" out this week, but I might be pressed for time because of Almodovar screenings, so we'll see how it goes. I'll also write about the Little Richard show either tonight or tomorrow.

Another Qualified Victory

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 04:52:00 +0000

I did another solid job picking the box office this weekend. Once again, I correctly picked the #1 film in the country ("Jackass 2", by a considerable margin), along with 4 of the top 5. In fact, "The Black Dahlia"'s gross was just $0.35 million short of making it a perfect top 5 - instead, De Palma's muddy noir plummeted to the 6th spot. "Jet Li's Fearless" performed a little better than I expected (can anyone explain this man's popularity to me?), while the WWI dogfight film "Flyboys" did a little worse. As predicted, the eternally delayed "All the King's Men" and the underhyped Orlando Bloom vehicle "Haven" were prototypical nonstarters. Here were the actual top 5 films in the country this weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Jackass 2 (Jackass 2)
2) Jet Li's Fearless (Flyboys)
3) The Gridiron Gang (The Gridiron Gang)
4) Flyboys (Jet Li's Fearless)
5) Everyone's Hero (The Black Dahlia)

Next week features the comedy "School for Scoundrels", starring Barnesyard Bump-ee Billy Bob Thornton, as well as a very intriguing Kutcher v. Kutcher showdown, as his rescue diving actioner "The Guardian" (co-starring some washed-up ex-actor named Kevin Costner) is pitted against his animated "Open Season".

Box Office Barnesyard

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 21:58:00 +0000

There are a bunch of films opening in Sacramento this weekend. Of course, there's "Feast" at the Tower - get there early to avoid the long lines. Tower is also opening something or other called "Confetti". There's a film called "Alien Autopsy" that I've never heard of, yet it's opening on about 10 area screens. Eh? The long-awaited (by who, I have no idea) "All the King's Men" finally opens, but by all accounts it's a dud. There's also the underhyped Orlando Bloom vehicle "Haven", as well as the WWII actioner "Flyboys", "Jet Li's Fearless", and "Jackass Two". Here are my picks:

1) Jackass 2
2) Flyboys
3) The Gridiron Gang
4) Jet Li's Fearless
5) The Black Dahlia

"The Last Kiss" might snag one of those spots if it goes wider this weekend. We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

*************

If you have a little time to spare before heading over to see "Feast" tonight, you should check out movie night at the Fools Foundation. They are screening "Sirens of the 23rd Century", some sort of campy sci-fi. Here's a blurb:

"Hyper-colorful, campy, kitschy, and androgynous, this hit of the gay and lesbian film festival circuit is a neoclassical, sci-fi, fairytale satire set in the 23rd century after cosmetics and modeling have been outlawed by a fascist government regime. A small, feminine group of underground Beauty Renegades fights back, led by a fearless and epic amazon."

Admission is five bucks and the show starts at 7 p.m. I can't make it tonight, but I will try to show up next friday when they are showing "The American Astronaut". Incidentally, that film's director, writer, and star Cory McAbee will be performing with his band The Billy Nayer Show on Wednesday at the Fools Foundation. That show starts at 8.

The Big Night

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 17:25:00 +0000

I went to Davis last night to sit in on Swords Award's live KDVS set. The boys filled out the hour nicely, although it sounded completely different on CD than it did in the studio. At KDVS, I couldn't hear any organ or vocals, but on the CD it was all organ and vocals. At any rate, I came up with a new rock-and-roll saying last night that I expect to spread across the country like wildfire: "As soon as I TOTE this gear, I'm gonna TOKE this gear." I can't believe Andy and the boys down in R&D didn't come up with that one years ago.

Don't forget that John Gulager's "Feast" plays at 11:25 p.m. at the Tower, tonight and tomorrow night ONLY! If the mere concepts of aliens feeding on humans, Jason Mewes with his face ripped off, and Henry Rollins in pink sweat pants don't grab you, it's time for you to take a long, hard look at yourself. What have you become? And lest you forget...

and...

And since every girl my age seems to have nursed a Balthazar Getty (who plays the hero in "Feast") crush at some point...

Remember, if you don't come to see "Feast", David Paul might get off early enough to watch "Stargate: Atlantis"...and that's something I don't think any of us want.

************

Box office picks are forthcoming. Other reviews will probably be pushed back to next week.

Fan Rage

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 00:27:00 +0000

Orioles fans stage walkout to protest prolonged sucking. Charles, your thoughts?

Slow Day

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 21:06:00 +0000

Very little traffic on the blog today. That's OK...I'm knee-deep in the Michigan House of Representatives' bullshit anyway. I did just want to mention that I have two pieces in the News and Review this week. There is my usual In the Mix review on page 472G (strategically situated right between the porn ads and the other porn ads) and a slightly larger Bring It Home review on the movies page. Also, it looks like I will be writing a feature article on the upcoming Almodovar festival at the Crest - look for that one in October.

I watched "The Black Dahlia" last night - a review is forthcoming.

More Movie Reviews - The Watchable Ones

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 03:47:00 +0000

-"The Illusionist" (2006 - Dir.: Neil Burger) Engaging and tricksy story of poker-faced magician Norton mesmerizing turn-of-the-century Austrian society. A chance onstage encounter with his upper-class childhood sweetheart (their love was denied by the barrier between their classes) leads to a flirtation, a murder, and a mystery that might be solved by Norton's magic. Second-time director Burger (he made a small 2002 film called "Interview With the Assassin" that shows on IFC/Sundance sometimes) finds a correlation between the illusion-making of magicians and that of filmmakers - indeed, film projection, which would have been invented around the time this film takes place, is one of the key's to Norton's illusions. The film is well-shot and well-acted, with a veneer of class, but it's not great. Paul Giamatti, who is quickly turning into an insufferable ham, plays a nosy police inspector, but his performance belongs in a Mel Brooks film. GRADE: B.

-"World Trade Center" (2006 - Dir.: Oliver Stone) Visually intense but emotionally perfunctory 9/11 drama tells the true-life story of two ordinary Port Authority workers (Nic Cage and Jon Seda) who get trapped in and rescued from the rubble of the fallen Twin Towers. The first third of the film is the best, teeming with the queasy confusion of the day. The interesting thing about Cage and Seda's characters is that they don't do anything remotely heroic besides show up on the scene - they spend a lot of time moving slowly from place to place, stocking up on safety equipment, and then the Towers suddenly collapse on top of them. The second third mostly centers on Cage and Seda trapped in the rubble, immobile and frightened - Cage does his best acting since "Adaptation" in these scenes (although he still looks disturbingly gaunt). Stone's film fails whenever it moves away from the rubble - the story of the wives is too cute and neat, and the scenes with the civilian rescuers strive fruitlessly for poetry. Still, it's better than you probably would have expected. On a larger level, the film's box office performance indicates that Stone will live to shoot another day. GRADE: B-.

-"Snakes on a Plane" (2006 - Dir.: David R. Ellis) I don't know what else to say about this one. By know, "Snakes On a Plane" has joined the clear soda craze on a legendary list of overhyped products that consumers never gave a flying fuck about. But is it that bad? Not at all. The pre-snakes, pre-plane "story" - a witless surf bum witnesses a mob killing, gets pursued by a vicious gang lord, and finds protection from special agent Sam Jackson, who brings him to America to testify - is torturously drawn out, considering the circumstances. Who cares? No one. You could set it all up with a few lines of dialogue as they GET ON THE PLANE. "Hey, that sure was bullshit when you witnessed that killing and the mob boss tried to have you killed!" "Well, I'm sure glad you came to protect me, and now we're safe on this plane heading to America." Done. I just cut a half hour from your film. Anyway, finally they're on the plane, the pheromone-sprayed killer snakes are released, and everyone goes apeshit. All in all, it's pretty fun, and you get what you hope for - snakes biting dudes on the dong, biting chicks on the tit, a giant snake swallowing some guy's head whole. No complaints there. As the action hero, Jackson does some solid phoning it in. You never doubt him in the role, but for christ's sake...it wasn't that long ago this guy was considered one of the best actors in film. GRADE: B-.

-"Sketches of Frank Gehry" (2006 - Dir.: Sydney Pollack) Slight but intriguing documentary about the unique and divisive architect Frank Gehry, who creates enormous, bizarre, rococo structures based on indicipherable sketches and childlike models. Pollack is Gehry's friend, so this often staid film borders on hagiography, but it's still an interesting examination of creative spark and artistic method, and Gehry's buildings are beautifully photographed. GRADE: B.

-"Beerfest" (2006 - Dir.: Jay Chandrasekhar) The Broken Lizard troupe's latest is a tough one to call. On the one hand, it's a harmless celebration of all things sophomoric and an enormous step up from "Club Dread" (although still a million miles from "Super Troopers"), with a fair number of honest laughs. On the other hand, it really is a lazy piece of shit. Two American brothers get humiliated at an underground German drinking games contest known as Beerfest, so they regroup and return a year later with a ragtag group of misfits to claim the prize. The film misses nearly every opportunity to properly satirize uptight Germans, but SNL-er Will Forte does a really funny whiny German voice. Decent if your standards are low enough. GRADE: B-.

**************

Up next: Dare Daniel - "The Ape"

Best Film of 2006 (so far)

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 08:09:00 +0000

"The Devil and Daniel Johnston" gets released to DVD today. Here's what I wrote about it two months ago. Pretty thin review, I'll admit. Jeff Feuerzeig's film really does pack a wallop - it has the compelling story of Johnston's battle with his demons, both real and imagined, but the filmmaking is so crisp and alive. It's both an examination of creative urgency and an example of it. Go check it out.

Greatest Week Ever?

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 16:10:00 +0000

Through one of those miraculous space-time confluences that happens maybe once every few millenia, two of the greatest things that have ever happened in the history of the world will occur this week within 100 miles of each other.

First, the Tower Theater is having midnight screenings of John Gulager's Project Greenlight horror film "Feast" on Friday and Saturday night. I'm planning to show up on Friday just to make sure that DP has to work late - it's the only way he'll learn. Fans of the cancelled Bravo show "Project Greenlight" - all six of us - have been waiting breathlessly for the release of "Feast", which concerns a ragtag group of misfits (Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins among them) in a deserted roadhouse fighting off ravenous aliens in full feeding frenzy mode.

The first two Project Greenlight films were unwatchable, sentimental tripe. "Feast", on the other hand, may be unwatchable tripe, but at least it won't be sentimental. At any rate, I find it difficult to follow a series about the making of an independent film without at least skimming through the finished product. Of course, "Project Greenlight", while entertaining as television, set its novice filmmakers up against impossible odds. Besides the fact that the winners all had precious little behind-the-camera experience (the producers seemed to cast the show more for entertaining personalities than for competent filmmakers), they are given barely any pre- or post-production time and an intensely abbreviated shooting schedule. The result: a movie like "Feast". Did I mention it features Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins?

Also, this chick's in it:

Her too:

***************

The other big event this week is the Little Richard show on Saturday night in Cache Creek. Darcey had to bow out due to scheduling difficulties, so DP will accompany me to the Cache Creek showroom to watch The Georgia Peach butcher...er, perform his many rock-and-roll classics. Anyone who has witnessed The Quasar of Rock's manic incoherence on the TV show "Celebrity Duets" may have an idea of what we're in for. I'll have the complete story of the trip, the performance, and the post-show orgy next Monday.

Here is the stock Little Richard picture for all the ladies:

Box Office Barnesyard

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 07:43:00 +0000

I had another decent week predicting the box office...I got 4 of the top 5 movies, including the #1 film, "The Gridiron Gang". Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" did better than I expected (anyone see it?), placing second with about $10 million. "Everyone's Hero" placed a lackluster third (talking baseball my ass, McBain!), while "The Last Kiss" did decent enough in limited release to place fourth (p.s.: Darcey saw it this weekend and liked it). Here were the actual top 5 films in the country last weekend, with my picks in parentheses:

1) Gridiron Gang (Gridiron Gang)
2) The Black Dahlia (The Covenant)
3) Everyone's Hero (Everyone's Hero)
4) The Last Kiss (The Black Dahlia)
5) The Covenant (The Protector, which didn't even place top 10)

I also had a bummer week picking the football games, although Denver's narrow victory over Kansas City (as well as the A's sweep of the White Sox) salvaged my weekend in sports. Besides that, I feel safe in the knowledge that being a few games up in the football pool will attack Jesse's brain like syphilis, which should allow me to coast to an easy victory for the season.

**************

I got the new schedules for the Thursday night retro film revivals at Arden Fair, and there are a few dates to get excited about:

-October 5: "Point Break"
-October 19: "Purple Rain"
-October 26: "Saturday Night Fever"
-and the one I'm most excited about, regardless of how many dozen times I've seen it: "Taxi Driver" on November 30.

I also found the schedules for the Thursday night movies in Davis, and there's not much to get worked up about. The one date that genuinely intrigues me is November 2, when they'll be showing "Airplane!"

**************

Anyone see anything good this weekend? Please share.

I Almost Forgot...

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 00:47:00 +0000

Just in case you're not going to see Sir Elton tonight, go check out "Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea" at the Fools Foundation (behind the Spaghetti Factory on 21st and K). The show starts at 7 and admission is only five bucks. The director of the documentary will present for the screening.

See you next week.

I'm Out

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 22:07:00 +0000

I intended to spend the afternoon working on movie reviews for this week and next, but I just found out that Darcey scored us free box seat tickets to the Elton John show at Arco Arena tonight, so f- that noise. I need to prepare my lungs for two hours of chanting "Play 'Candle in the Wind'!"

Speaking of Arco, one of the stranger Chicken Little assertions made by the pro-arena factions is that not only will the Kings leave town if the measure doesn't pass, but the Maloofs will demolish Arco Arena on their way out of town, presumably out of spite. The Maloofs own Arco Arena, and somehow I can't see them passing up a chance to make money if said chance exists - these are casino guys, remember. At any rate, at least the events of the past week have effectively exposed the Maloofs' much-vaunted "commitment to the community" as a hoax, especially since the key difference that lead to the split was that the community leaders looked at the railyard and envisioned a glittering, mixed-use entertainment complex to anchor their downtown renovation and the Maloofs envisioned a giant parking lot with an arena in the center.

Box Office

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 18:58:00 +0000

I apologize for the lack of posts, but the Michigan Legislature has been all up my ass the past couple of days. I know what you're thinking...even Senator Beverly Hammerstrom? Yes, even Senator Beverly Hammerstrom.

Despite the fact that FFT has clearly stolen my bit and polluted it doing ACTUAL RESEARCH (shudder), I'll still pick the top five films of the week:

1) The Gridiron Gang
2) The Covenant
3) Everyone's Hero
4) The Black Dahlia (of course, I'll see it)
5) The Protector

Movie Reviews

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 04:21:00 +0000

I still have about two dozen unreviewed movies from the past couple of months. Let's start the films that are still in theaters, starting with the most recent and working backward:

-"Hollywoodland" (2006 - Dir.: Allen Coulter) Studio system-era period mystery about the fleeting nature of fame that doesn't particularly work as a period piece, a mystery, or a parable about the fleeting nature of fame. Adrien Brody continues to prove that his Oscar-awarded performance in "The Pianist" was a fluke as a downbeat Hollywood gumshoe snooping around the mysterious death of ex-Superman George Reeves, which the cops have written off as a suicide. Ben Affleck plays Reeves in flashbacks, and while he may be well-cast in the part, bringing the right mix of charm, melancholy, and shallowness to the role, he manages to throughly botch his New England accent. This despite the fact that Affleck actually hails from the Boston area, while George Reeves was born in Iowa and raised in Pasadena (interesting choice on the bad Boston accent, Affleck)! Despite all this, the jury at the Venice Film Festival awarded Affleck with the Best Actor prize. First Venice boos "The Fountain", then they give an award to Ben Affleck - when will you fall into the sea already, you goddam gondolier-infested swamp city? Not a bad film altogether, just a bit timid and pointless. Allen Coulter has directed many Sopranos episodes, but I have come to view the modern TV director as the embodiment of a "yeoman's effort" - professional, stolid, unspectacular. GRADE: C.

-"The Wicker Man" (2006 - Dir.: Neil LaBute) LaBute's remake of the 1973 British cult horror film actually downplays the kinkiness and weirdness of the original to a disturbing degree. Fans of the original film will despise it outright; non-fans (like me) and first-timers may find it a tolerable but compromised effort. Nic Cage plays a cop-on-the-edge who travels to a remote, mysterious island to find a missing girl, but none of the island's inhabitants will admit the girl ever existed. Cage tries fairly hard, considering that it's Cage, but he looks worse than I've ever seen him - he's become emaciated to an alarming degree, perhaps taking his upcoming role as a CGI skeleton in "Ghost Rider" too seriously. When I first heard about LaBute's involvement with the project, I wondered why he would want take on this film at this point in his career. I'm still wondering. There is a bit of decent feminine eye candy on the island, including tall-drink-of-water Leelee Sobieski's first major role in five years, and a newcomer Australian starlet named Kate Beahan, who has Angelina Jolie's lips, Claire Forlani's eyes, and Keira Knightley's body (two out of three ain't bad). GRADE: C. Here is a pic of Ms. Beahan:

-"Trust the Man" (2006 - Dir.: Bart Freundlich) Exasperating ensemble rom-com about perpetual adolescent New Yorkers and the beautiful women who can barely tolerate them. Julianne Moore and David Duchovny (or as Jay likes to call him, "box office poison David Duchovny") play a married couple who have lost the spark, while Billy Crudup and Maggie Gyllenhaal play a long-time unmarried couple who have reached the end of their run. Every moment that feels honest and true (and their are several scattered throughout) is instantly decimated by goofiness and idiotic contrivance. Director Freundlich (Moore's hubby) has the seed of a decent Woody Allen knockoff here, but he keeps trying to turn the film into a wacky slapstick comedy. As a whiny, immature man who can't commit, Crudup comes off the worst, if only because he fails to find even a spark of genuine humanity in his character (whatever happened to Crudup, anyway? - he literally has not given a single good performance since "Almost Famous" back in 2000). As much as I want to, I can't completely dismiss "Trust the Man" - at the very least, the cast is stocked with eye candy, including one of The Barnesyard's more oddly mannish crushes, the lovely Eva Mendes. GRADE: C+.

-"Quinceneara" (2006 - Dir.: Richard Glatzer/Wash Westmoreland) Small, observant slice-of-life about frustrated Mexican teens living in L.A.'s Echo Park neighborhood. Just as young Magdalena is preparing to celebrate her fifteenth birthday, she finds out that she has become pregnant through some very odd (perhaps even miraculous) circumstances. When her religious father banishes her from the house, she is sent to live with her aging uncle and her gay reprobate cousin,. Co-directors Glatzer and Westmoreland get extra credit for capturing some genuine location atmosphere that feeds into the richness of the characters (the spectre of gentrification looms large over the neighborhood's mostly Hispanic inhabitants), but lose points for the film's needlessly pat conclusion. Glatzer and Westmoreland shot the film in the same neighborhood that they live in, enlisting locals as actors and advisors, which is why it's odd that the two most shallow and unlikable characters in "Quinceneara" are homosexual lovers (one of them British, like Westmoreland) who move into Echo Park to turn a profit off of their renovated condo. GRADE: B.

****************

Up next: more movie reviews, including "The Illusionist", "Snakes On a Plane", "Beerfest", "World Trade Center", and "Sketches of Frank Gehry", as well as my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape".

Football and Other Things

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 15:01:00 +0000

Ever since I saw "Talladega Nights" for the second time at the drive-in, I can't get enough Cal Naughton, Jr. quotes. I haven't even put up my favorite Cal Naughton quote because I can't find any source for the exact wording. It comes in a scene at the hospital after Ricky Bobby's big car wreck. The doctor tells Cal that Ricky's injuries are entirely psychosomatic, and Cal says something like, "Now, when you say 'psychosomatic', do you mean that he can start a fire with his thoughts?" Oh, it's good stuff.

***********

The Office Football Pool 2006 - Mano-a-Mano Edition (you see, the third guy in mine and Jesse's pool doesn't work with us anymore, so it's a head-to-head matchup this season) got off to rough start for me this weekend. Not only did the Broncos look like rank amateurs in their road loss to the Rams (although let's face it, that "roughing the punter" call in the second half was a severe indictment of the league's new regulation that requires all referees to call the game with their heads up their own asses), but my baffling decisions to pick the Dolphins on Thursday, the Giants on Sunday, and the stupid, stupid Raiders on Monday puts me a couple of points behind already. Of course, it's only week 1, and thankfully I'm not some Jesse-esque fair weather fan who gives up and starts calling for the backup quarterback after one bad game.

************

Has anyone seen the weekly train wreck known as "Celebrity Duets" yet? In case you live in one of the few remaining caves without a TV antenna, "Celebrity Duets" is exactly what you'd expect - has-been D-listers performing duets with has-been singers in the "American Idol" format. Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach is on the judge's panel, and it's really in some kind of form. I TiVo'd the show and just flipped past the performances to find the Peach's quips, which are entirely incoherent and, despite the uniform excretory quality of the performances, largely fawning. It's quite a show.

Besides the Little Richard appeal, "Celebrity Duets" also boasts the first solid face time for Lea Thompson in what seems like decades. Over twenty years after playing Michael J. Fox's mom in "Back to the Future", Thompson has re-emerged as a wonderfully un-Botoxed 45 year-old superfox! In the episode I flipped through, she showed off her sparkling gams by performing in a tight mini-skirt that inspired the best Little Richard comment of the night. He babbled that she reminded him of Tina Turner, and when she expressed her thanks, he said, "I meant your legs, not your voice." She looks a lot hotter than this picture would indicate, but it's all I could find:

Apparently, Thompson was voted off on last week's show, but she has replaced Marie Osmond on the judge's panel, so you can still check her out. The show also features a very tall, blonde and fetching Lucy Lawless, long removed from her "Xena: Warrior Princess" days:

Of course, the highlight of the show had nothing to do with Little Richard or D-list MILFS - it came when Alfonso Ribiero, Jr. (Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") sang a love ballad duet with Mr. Jeffrey Osborne. That's just good television.

************

I am working on many, many movie reviews, so time permitting, there will be quite a few updates throughout the week.

Today's Assignment

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 21:25:00 +0000

The Barnesyard has a lot of reviews to write, and the next few days will be chock full of updates, including long-awaited reviews of "The Wicker Man", "Hollywoodland", "Trust the Man", "Sketches of Frank Gehry", "Beerfest", the Dare Daniel review of James Franco's "The Ape", and anything else I haven't got around to writing about yet.

While I work on that, however, I'm going to need a little participation from the crowd. Therefore, I have one simple assignment: I DEMAND that every single person reading this right now leave a comment naming one good movie and one bad movie that they've seen in the last few weeks or months. Simple as that: one film you've seen recently that's moved you emotionally and one that's moved your bowels.

A Covenant of Dunces

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 20:21:00 +0000

Always underestimating the public's insatiable hunger for complete cinematic refuse, The Barnesyard failed to predict the #1 opening of the Renny Harlin-helmed horror flick "The Covenant". I would ask everyone who watched "The Covenant" on opening weekend to kick themselves in the testicles for me, but there are so few of you out there (it pulled only $9 mil in the top spot), it hardly seems worth it.

FFT did a lot better with his picks - he got all 5 of the top 5 movies, including the #1. I was handicapped by pulling my movie premiere information off of sacbee.com, which failed to mention that "The Protector" was opening this weekend. Assuming history is not a complete dick, I feel certain it will vindicate me on this one. Here are the actual top 5 movies in the country, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) The Covenant (Invincible)
2) Invincible (Hollywoodland)
3) Hollywoodland (Crank)
4) The Protector (The Covenant)
5) Crank (Little Miss Sunshine, which actually placed 7th behind The Illusionist at #6)

Next week brings us Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia", Zach Braff in the ensemble rom-com "The Last Kiss", and The Rock in an unholy "Longest Yard"/"Remember the Titans" hybrid known as "The Gridiron Gang".

Scheming Bastards

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:19:00 +0000

A short piece on the Kings arena from the Field of Schemes website. Boy, the Maloofs would make this arena a lot easier to sell if they could just stop lying for eight to ten seconds.

Box Office Barnesyard

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 20:32:00 +0000

It's gonna be another tough week picking the box offices. The only two major studio releases coming out this weekend are "Hollywoodland" (which will be playing at the Tower) with Adrien Brody and Ben Affleck, and "The Covenant", a barrel-scraping horror flick if ever there was one. "Hollywoodland" seems like the obvious pick, but are people really that excited? Tough to gauge. Here are my picks...feel free to play along at home.

1) Invincible
2) Hollywoodland
3) Crank
4) The Covenant
5) Little Miss Sunshine

We'll see how I did on Monday morning.

Movie Night Tonight - Minutemen doc at Fools Foundation

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 15:20:00 +0000

Frequent Barnesyard commenter DeeAnn is helping to sponsor a Friday film night at the Fools Foundation on 19th and K. Tonight they are showing "We Jame Econo", a documentary about The Minutemen. Next Friday the 12th, they are showing the movie advertised above, "Plagues and Pleasures On the Salton Sea", featuring an appearance by one of the directors.

Later screenings this month include "Sirens of the 23rd Century" and "The American Astronaut". Tickets are $5 and more information is available at Shiny Object.

The New Year

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 03:50:00 +0000

I'm a little late getting back into gear after the three-day weekend. My goal over the next couple of weeks is to get completely caught up on my movie reviews. There are about two dozen or so movies I've seen this summer that I never got around to formally reviewing, so I'll try to knock those out this week and next.

I had a decent weekend picking the movies. I got 4 out of the top 5 movies, albeit in a completely scrambled order, but incorrectly guessed the #1 film in the country. "Invincible" held on over the three-day weekend to convincingly keep the top spot. My #1 pick, Jason Statham in "Crank", placed a close second. The one film I missed was the wide release of "The Illusionist", which edged out my #5 pick "Talladega Nights" for the final spot in the countdown...I don't expect history will vindicate me on this one.

Here were the actual top 5 films last weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Invincible (Crank)
2) Crank (Little Miss Sunshine)
3) The Wicker Man (Invincible)
4) Little Miss Sunshine (The Wicker Man)
5) The Illusionist (Talladega Nights)

Coming this weekend is the Tinseltown murder mystery "Hollywoodland", Renny Harlin horror in "The Covenant", Matt Dillon in the Bukowski adaptation "Factotum", and "Broken Bridges", with a cast headlined by - no bullshit - Toby Keith, Kelly Preston, Willie Nelson, and Burt Reynolds.

*************

I received four solid Dare Daniel submissions last week, so I decided to have a coin flip tournament to decide my method of torture. Here were the results:

In case you're a total retard and can't figure out the obvious meaning of these alarmingly pathological scribblings, James Franco's directorial debut "The Ape" (suggested by Darcey) defeated "Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde" (suggested by Dub) to advance to the finals, while "What Women Want" (suggested by Jesse) swept "Rumor Has It" (suggested by DeeAnn) to take the other spot in the finals. In a best-of-five playoff, "The Ape" bested "What Women Want" by a score of 3 to 2, thus becoming the latest Dare Daniel.

What the fucking fuck is "The Ape", you ask? Here's how Netflix describes it:

"Determined to write the next great American novel, family man Harry Walker (James Franco, also directing his feature film debut) leaves his job as a corporate scrub, moves out of his house and rents an apartment to help him focus. But when he unexpectedly discovers he has a roommate -- a trash-talking gorilla with an affinity for Hawaiian shirts -- Harry's plans go down the drain. Brian Lally portrays the scatological simian."

This film was destined to become a Dare Daniel selection eventually. One particularly piquant Netflix reviewer hailing from the Bronx even put it this way:

"PAINFUL absolutely PAINFUL.What a lame attempt to get executive producer, writer, director to to resume, or maybe he did a Steven Segal and made a deal with the mob so he either gets wacked or produce a movie for them. Whatever the case it's by far the biggest piece of crap and biggest waste of time ever. don't believe me? rent it. i DARE YOU." (sic all the way through)

Note the explicit use of the dare. Netflix reviewer CB from Salisbury, MD said:

"I love this man, but this film was really bad. I think he can do better as an actor. I certainly loved the James Dean film he starred in. The movie Annapolis, was good too"

Look forward to my Dare Daniel review of "The Ape" next week on The Barnesyard.

************

Up next: Movie news and reviews.

Box Office Predictions

estreetfilmsociety@Hotmail.com (DB) — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 22:56:00 +0000

I almost forgot to make my picks. Tough calls this week. I'll go with...

1) Crank
2) Little Miss Sunshine
3) Invincible
4) The Wicker Man
5) Talladega Nights

We'll see how I did on Tuesday morning. Hope you all have a good weekend.