The Barnesyard

There is a show that airs on E! and The Style Network called "Sexiest". Essentially, it's one of those glorified clip shows that are constantly running on E! and Style...it counts the top 25 sexiest celebrities who fit a particular theme (Sexiest Actress, Sexiest Supermodel, etc.), while triple-z-list panelists made stupid comments. Diedrich Bader is the "name", that's how bad it is. The show recycles film clips and photos to form a two or three montage of sexiness. I love it. Darcey is visiting her brother in Japan for two weeks, and it reallllly passes the time.

Anyway, I noticed a sharp discrepancy in the "Sexiest" show's tabulation methods. For a show called "Sexiest Latin Lovers", the show ranked Salma Hayek and Jessica Alba one and two. OK, no problem there. But in the show "Sexiest Actresses", Hayek dropped to #13, while Alba was at #9. What's that about? The implication is that Hayek is a sexier Latin lover than she is an actress. Outrageous.

The comments are fantastically inane. One woman claimed that Gisele Bundchen was sexy because "she doesn't know that she's sexy". The six-foot tall Brazilian woman with enormous breasts is sexy because she doesn't know she's sexy? Really? And everyone is invariably described as "smart and funny", despite any mounting evidence to the contrary.

For my money, the 1978 Richard Donner/Christopher Reeves "Superman" is still the best superhero movie ever made. It seems too soon for a remake, but it's been three decades already -- that would be like remaking a film from the 50's when I was a kid (did I mention that I've recently become a fat, old man?).

Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns" harkens back to the 1978 film in many respects. I mean that in the sense that Singer uses the original John Williams score, excavates Marlon Brando's image and voice, and flat-out steals any number of famous shots. I don't mean it in the sense that "Superman Returns" is entertaining or exciting or fun. More boring than "The Da Vinci Code" and more bloated than "King Kong", Singer's film fails on so many levels with such remarkable consistency it's hard to know where to begin.

Let's start with the casting -- the producers decided to cast the movie young, which is fine, but the characters aren't the least bit youthful. They're world-weary adults with school-age children and pasts that weigh them down. As the film opens, Superman/Clark Kent is returning to Earth from a five-year absence, and we are led to understand that he, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen have had many years of adventures prior to his leaving. But Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, and the guy who plays Jimmy Olsen all look to be in their early 20's. That means that they all got jobs as top reporters at the largest metropolitan daily newspaper in the world, fell in love, and saved the world when they were 14 or 15 years old.

I hate to be hard on Routh, but he's a pale imitation of Christopher Reeves. He doesn't have any discernible personality, humor, or hidden demons -- he's just a bland, likeable kid. Bosworth as Lois Lane is pitiful -- I wouldn't have bought as her a cable news anchor, much less a hardboiled beat reporter.

Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor doesn't work any better...he just isn't given much to do. Spacey's Luthor is a venal bastard, but he isn't particularly theatrical or creepy or weird. He's just bald and evil. DP argued before the film that Spacey would make a great Luthor, since Spacey is the most despicable actor in Hollywood. However, the only two quintessentially Spacey-esque things he does are roll his r's when he says "kryptonite" and give a bad performance.

The story meanders hopelessly, and never generates any consistent interest or excitement. Like Peter Jackson's "King Kong", it's stuffed to the gills with things you didn't come to see: Lois Lane's kid; her relationship with the kid's father (played by James Marsden of the X-Men films, who has become the comic book genre's go-to guy for cuckolded pussies); shot after shot of fondled crystals; Parker Posey acting like a wet noodle; pathetic and atonal attempts at sick humor. For a movie about a superhuman flying guy who can save the world, there is a notable shortage of cool stuff that happens.

I know that most of you are going to see this movie regardless of my review, so I'm not going to give away any more plot details. But for those of you who are still on the fence, you might be more than a little upset about plunking down money for this one. Personally, I hated it.

GRADE: D

Two of the three Retro Revival movies showing tonight appeared on the Barnesyard Top 102 list. "Goodfellas" (#28) plays at the UA Arden, while "Starship Troopers" (#80) plays in Davis. Sam Raimi's "Army of Darkness" shows at the UA in Roseville. All showtimes are 10 p.m., all admissions are $5.

"The Celestine Prophecy" and "Down in the Valley" (starring Edward Norton) open at The Crest this weekend. Both look pretty boring. "Sketches of Frank Gehry" opens at the Tower...also looks boring.

Looks like "The Proposition" will be held over for one more week at the Crest...I hear good things. The Melville film "Army of Shadows" was playing at the Balboa in San Francisco last weekend...I'm not sure if they will be playing it again this week. I'm sure it won't come to Sacramento.

"Superman Returns" opened yesterday...does anyone who has seen it want to comment? I'll probably catch a matinee show this weekend. The only other major release is "The Devil Wears Prada", starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep...the fact that it's opening against Superman gives you an idea of the amount of faith the studio has in its marketability.

If I were going to predict the top 5 at the box office this weekend, I'd go with...

1) Superman Returns
2) Cars
3) Click
4) The Devil Wears Prada
5) Nacho Libre

Well, the Eye-talian went #1 in yesterday's draft. Adam Morrison was selected by Charlotte with the third pick...with a nucleus of Morrison, Emeka Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Sean May, Primo Brezec, and Raymond Felton, the Bobcats will field an interesting squad. They could be this year's New Orleans Hornets, a definite contender for a playoff spot in the East. Morrison will win Rookie of the Year: guaranteed.

The Kings went with guard Quincy Douby with the 19th pick. While I can't have too many negative feelings about a guy who's name is pronounced "doobie", I was shocked that Geoff Petrie didn't go with Connecticut point guard Marcus Williams. Most analysts had Williams going in the top 10, but he dropped way down in the draft because of character issues arising from an incident last year in which he stole some school computers. Williams seems more like the true point guard the Kings need to play behind and along side Mike Bibby, but Petrie insisted that Douby was the better player. No one doubts that Douby can "light it up" (first weed joke made about Quincy Douby as a pro, right here on The Barnesyard!), and you know Petrie just can't resist a shooter. Petrie loves tall guards, undersized big men, and anything that can shoot. He's living in the 1970's...just look at his hair.

New Jersey eventually selected Marcus Williams at #22, providing the perfect successor to Jason Kidd. They also made themselves tougher in the middle by taking Josh Boone, another Connecticut Huskie, with the 23rd pick. They'll be a force in the East over the next few years.

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Up next: Movie reviews - "A Prairie Home Companion"; "The Devil and Daniel Johnston"; and more!

The NBA draft will be held tonight. I don't follow amateur basketball, so I don't know much about the players who will be selected. DP will be happy to know that an I-tie may be selected first -- forward Andrea Bargnani, who is supposed to be more seasoned and NBA-ready than most of the international players who have been selected in recent years. More importantly, he's not Serbian.

Some of the other names being bandied about up at the top of the draft are Rudy Gay from Connecticut, Tyrus Thomas from LSU, Brandon Roy of Washington State, and LaMarcus Aldridge of Texas Southern. Florida's Joachim Noah, who carried his team to the NCAA championship a few months back, decided to return to school and go #1 next year.

One of the names that seems to have dropped down the board in recent weeks is Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (pictured above), who was the best overall college player last year. Some mock drafts have dropped Morrison all the way to the 8th pick! I assume there are questions about his versatility and durability (he has diabetes, although if Lance Armstrong can win the Tour de France with a cancerous teste, I don't see why a guy can't play basketball with a fucked-up pancreas. Honestly, I don't see how any team could pass this guy up. Not only is he a marketing wet dream, and easily the furriest player to come along in decades, but I think he is going to be a legitimately great NBA player who will be able to score at will. Toronto would be a fool to pass him up at #1, especially considering that he fills a desperate need for a scorer who can stretch the defense and let their young big men work.

The Sacramento Kings hold the 19th pick in this year's draft, and it's anyone's guess how they'll use it. They seem to be focusing on point guards and big men, which is positive news, since they are thin at those positions. However, Geoff Petrie can never seem to resist an athletic swingman, no matter how many we already have on the roster (at last count, 11). Some mock drafts have predicted that the Kings will select a point guard, either Jordan Farmar of UCLA or Sergio Rodriguez from Spain. But drafting a point guard is dicey, since they usually take a lot longer to develop. The Kings would be smarter to go after a big man who can contribute as a role player right away, and attempt to resign Bobby Jackson (or make a trade) to fill their backup point guard hole. 6-foot-11 Hilton Armstrong of UConn seems like a dream pick, but he will probably be selected higher. There are a lot of trade rumors swirling around the draft, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the Kings get involved (after all, the Jason Williams-for-Bibby deal was a draft day move), especially if they are looking to draft a power forward.

The Bee's Joe Davidson predicted that Florida State's Alexander Johnson, an athletic 6-10 forward, would go to the Kings tonight.

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I was sad to see that The Barnesyard's favorite baseball man, Peter Gammons, underwent brain surgery after being a stricken with an aneurysm early this week. Unlike most of the players he covered, the Hall-of-Famer Gammons has always been in his prime. He's one of the reasons I feel in love with baseball again in my adulthood. We wish him well.

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The Barnesyard's Oakland A's lost in San Diego last night, but they are still in first place, and still the sexy pick to win the World Series. At least three Oakland players should be selected for the All-Star Game next month -- Eric Chavez, Nick Swisher, and Barry Zito. There has been some hubbub in the San Francisco papers because Swisher and A's pitcher Joe Blanton were spotted throwing down a thousand bucks on vodka at a New York nightclub when the team was in town to play the Yankees. A thousand bucks? It's New York! That's a couple of rounds, a bag of chips, and a cab ride back to the hotel, right?

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Dwayne Wade: still Jordan.

As we were driving to Davis a couple of weeks ago to watch "Stargate", DP, Jessica, and myself considered the question of the quintessential James Spader performance. This would not necessarily be the best Spader film, but rather the performance that captures the true essence of Spader. "Stargate", in which Spader plays a nerdy, time-travelling scientist, is perhaps his most atypical role. We each had our own personal picks, but I thought I would put it to the vote. Would you say that the quintessential James Spader performace is:

-the sleazy yuppie in "Pretty in Pink"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Mannequin"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Less Than Zero"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "sex, lies, and videotape"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Bad Influence"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Wolf"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Crash"?
-the sleazy yuppie in "Secretary"?
-or write-in your own favorite sleazy yuppie role.

DAN'S PICK:

Of course, Spader's career has found new life in recent years thanks to his award-winning role as a sleazy yuppie on the TV show "Boston Legal". But to me, he will always be the sleazy yuppie from "LESS THAN ZERO". This 1987 movie, unfaithfully adapted from a Bret Easton Ellis novel, is fairly indefensible filmmaking, but it will always be legendary for Spader's smarmy-ooze performance as a cynical and manipulative drug dealer holding a Beverly Hills coke addict played by Robert Downey, Jr. under his thumb. The central characters in "Less Than Zero" (played by Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz) are complete duds, but the film comes alive whenever Spader and Downey share screentime. Spader is more evil and more charming than anyone else in the movie.

For a somewhat less typical Spader performance, I would recommend "The Music of Chance", with Mandy Patinkin, Charles Durning, and Joel Grey. Spader and Patinkin play oddball roaming gamblers who lose their shirts (and their freedom) a pair of exponentially more oddball gamblers. Adapted from Paul Auster, it's an underrated gem.

"Dr. Strangelove" is playing at 10 p.m. at the Regal in Davis tonight. "Beetlejuice" shows at the UA Arden. The Retro Revival Thursday showings have been popular enough to spawn a third version at the UA in Roseville -- "The Goonies" shows there tonight.

There is a special on TCM tonight called "Billy Wilder Speaks" -- I believe it is a German-language interview conducted in the 1980's which Wilder stipulated could not show before his death. It shows at 8:30 p.m. tonight, but they will probably re-run it throughout the month.

Andy Garcia's "The Lost City" premieres at The Crest this weekend -- it has gotten mostly bad reviews so far. The Tower has the same old stuff, although I haven't seen either. Does anyone who has seen "Prarie Home Companion" or "An Inconvenient Truth" care to comment?

"Click" with Adam Sandler and "Waist Deep" with Tyrese are the only major releases at the multiplexes this weekend. They both look like crap.

Has anyone seen anything in the theaters of late that they'd like to talk about? The only thing I've seen in recent weeks is "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift", which I'm proud to report is sort of a movie. Look for a review tonight or tomorrow, time allowed.

It's time for another heartwarming visit from the only Barnesyard staffmember ever to have invented rock and roll, Sacramento's Own The Georgia Peach, Little Richard. He's back with one last installment in his series of inspirational moral tales for today's wayward youth, a little segment we like to call:

Little Richard Presents: Little Richard's One to Grow On, By Little Richard

This week's episode: The Holy Bond of Marriage

"There was one time we were in this hotel in Bloomsfield, West Virginia. They had a rule like you couldn't bring in any girl unless she's your wife. Well, this girl came over and she was really wild. She would take anything. All the band guys at once. We didn't know she was married. Her husband was downstairs trying to find out if his wife was up there with us. He was banging on the door, and we were trying to get her out. But she didn't want to go! She said, 'I don't wanna leave now, I'm enjoying myself!' The guys didn't care and I had to plead with them to let her go. Eventually we sneaked her down the fire escape, but it was close. The hotel was a wooden building and this guy was downstairs threatening to put a match to it and burn it down! That's the fun part, you see, when you're sneakin'. Makes it very much more exciting.

But it got difficult to have sex parties after a time, because we were so popular."

...and that's One to Grow On, By Little Richard.

Next week on One to Grow On - the uplifting final chapter.

As some of you may know, your old buddy the Barnesyard is turning 30 next month. I know that a lot of people meet this milestone with grace and dignity, but not me. I don't like grace and dignity...not my style. In fact, I am determined to react with as much bitterness, neurosis, and anxiety as possible. That's more my speed.

30. What the fuck is that all about? I was only 21 years old when I first got a job at the Tower Theater. Hey A-Max, is that not some fucking depressing-ass shit?

Right now, I'm still a chubby young ragamuffin, but in a few weeks I will just be a fat old crank. I turned on the MTV the other night, and I swear it was like a foreign fucking language. They're just talking over the music! Benny Goodman...now that's some real shit. Hey Puff Snoopy Dogg, learn to play a clarinet, and then we'll talk. I used to look forward to summer vacations...the only thing I have to look forward to now is the occasional colonscopy (or more likely, the frequent colonscopy...thanks a bunch for the family history of prostate cancer, God!). I used to be afraid that girls were laughing at me behind my back...now I can rest assured that they are.

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In happier news, my John Ford/John Wayne piece is in this week's Sacramento News and Review, page 46 (along with my usual In the Mix review on page 782G). I think it came off really good, maybe better than anything else I've done for them. You all need to read my review, but more importantly, you need to make your voices heard to the bigwigs at the paper. Otherwise, me and Little Richard will never be able to get a proper chokehold on this jerkwater burg.

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Dig the old Barnesyard logo! You might recall that Darcey whipped this up for me last fall. I tried to upload it as the picture for my profile, but it far exceeded the 50 KB limit. Hey Blogger, why don't you kilo-byte my ass 50 times?!

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Up next: Little Richard's One to Grow On - The Final Chapter

Earlier this week, I caught an old episode of Full House guest-starring Sacramento's Own Little Richard. The plot revolved around Joey (Dave Coulier) running for PTA President in order to save the school's arts program. One of the kids' friends turned out to be Little Richard's niece, so naturally The Georgia Peach shows up at the Tanner household to play a Casio keyboard version of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while the kids dance around him...it's pretty hateful. Joey ends up recruiting Little Richard to play at a campaign rally...not only does The Peach agree to perform for free, but he doesn't even try to bugger John Stamos! Apparently, The Quasar had turned over a new leaf in the 80's. The only true Little Richard touch in the epidsode is that he shows up hours late for the gig (the Peach was notorious for lateness), which forces the Tanner gang to perform a series of impromptu skits and musical numbers. Finally, The Peach shows up to perform a mediocre version of "Keep A-Knockin'", which brings down the house and boosts Joey to victory (this is despite the fact that only 15 people show up for the rally, and over half of them are Tanners). The subsequent backstage bisexual orgy is left discreetly offscreen. Essentially, the episode is the usual collection of creepy, quasi-heartwarming moments -- Joey poorly imitating Daffy Duck, the PTA President admiring Joey's butt in jeans (with sweater tucked in, natch), Joey performing Captain and Tennille with an 8 year-old boy, and Joey doing anything at all. But wait just a moment, you say...doesn't John Stamos sit in on drums for Little Richard's band while wearing a leather vest and no shirt? Man, if you have to ask, you just don't get rock and roll.

With apologies to Dub, Jesse, FFT, and all the other haters, there is no room left on the Wade-is-Jordan bandwagon. Jesse actually stopped by my desk yesterday to predict that Wade would get "shut down" by the Mavericks in Game 6. He even predicted that The Next Jordan would only shoot 5-for-15 from the field. So how did Dwayne Wade do in the biggest game of his life on a hostile visitor's floor? Try 36 points on 10-for-18 shooting, not to mention 10 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals, and 3 blocked shots on for size. If it looks like Jordan, sounds like Jordan, and kicks your ass like Jordan...it's probably Jordan.

And don't even try to sell me that Kobe Bryant shit. Yeah, Kobe won 3 titles with Shaq, but do you honestly think that that Kobe would have led the Lakers to victory in a closeout game in which Shaq didn't even score 10 points?

Wade is Jordan...case closed.

Sacramento has a new drug -- and its name is Huey Lewis. By a convincing count of 9-5, Huey received a resounding bump from the Barnesyard Nation. Jesse, who's anti-Huey comments inspired the vote in the first place, didn't even bother to weigh in on the issue. I guess that shows how much he cares about the democratic process.

Erik, I'm sorry that the debate was powerful enough to cause Huey Lewis-related nightmares. I recently had a similar experience. I had never watched American Idol until this spring, when I watched the last few episodes of the season. After the finale, I had two American Idol-related dreams in one week. I don't remember the second, but the first involved my tenure as songwriter for Taylor Hicks. I must have written an album's worth of material, and I can safely say that despite my utter lack of musical talent or songwriting experience, everything that my unconscious brain produced was better than that "Do I Make You Proud?" bullshit.

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In other Jesse-was-wrong news, space is running out on my Dwayne-Wade-is-the-best-player-in-the-NBA bandwagon. Jesse told me I was lunatic for even considering Wade over LeBron James. Obviously, James is going to be great, but let's face it -- Wade is Jordan. The thing about both those guys is that you can barely imagine that a team with Wade or Jordan could ever lose. LeBron will get his chance to win a championship, but Wade is going to win a lot of them. And as Becky pointed out, he's a huge Jane Austen fan.

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Up next: My weekend in Tokyo -- Ozu's "Tokyo Story" and "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift".

Me, DP, and Jessica went to Davis to watch "Stargate" (1994 - Dir.: Roland Emmerich) last night. I hadn't seen that movie since it last played in theaters -- I worked at the Century Stadium when "Stargate" first came out, and I would often slip into the theater during my breaks and watch it in pieces. I honestly don't think I had ever seen the film from start to finish, as there were a lot of elements I didn't remember. For example, the introduction of Kurt Russell's character, who is first seen as a long-haired burnout suicide case mourning his dead son. I also forgot there are these mini-Bantha-like creatures on the other side of the Stargate who look pretty decent in long shots but terrible in closeups. And Jaye Davidson's role is even paltrier than I remembered -- after "The Crying Game", he was able to pull down a cool million (and then retreated from the publiceye) for a glorified walk-on in "Stargate". He plays the sun God Ra, who travels through space in a giant pyramid. That seems pretty cool, but Davidson just sort of vamps mildly about the room, and then side-glares at someone with his eyes lit up by special effects. I also realized for the first time that he's almost a dead ringer for Chloe Sevigny. Another problem with "Stargate" is that it doesn't cater to the strengths of its stars. Kurt Russell as the military martinet seems like apt casting, but the character is actually quite morose and dull. Spader as a dweeby archaeologist is a disaster -- as soon as he jumped on board, they should have just made his character a yuppie sleazeball. I mean, why not? It's not exactly a boring movie, it just doesn't try very hard. David Paul assures me that the TV series does a much more thorough job of exploring the concept of the Stargate. I'll have to take his word for it. GRADE: C.

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Dwayne Wade: Best player in the NBA, who's with me?

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Trash city at the multiplexes this weekend: "Nacho Libre", "The Lake House", "Fast and the Furious: "Tokyo Drift", and "Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties"

In a perfect world, I would just be able to say "Do You Believe in Love" and get an automatic bump on principle. But apparently there are still a few of you out there who don't believe in love, so I have to ask the question:

Huey Lewis - Bump It or Dump It?

On the bump side, you've got "The Heart of Rock and Roll", "Heart and Soul", "Doing It All For My Baby", "Trouble in Paradise", "The Power of Love", "If This is It", "Bad is Bad", "Workin' for a Livin'", "It's Alright", "I Want a New Drug", "Do You Believe in Love", "Stuck With You", and countless others. OK, no others, but still...Huey could sing the fuck out of a song (not to mention the plethora of sax solos that weave their way through the Huey ouevre).

On the dump side, you have Jesse's argument that Huey Lewis is the epitome of 80's corporate rock (supposedly bolstered by the fact that Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho" is a huge Huey fan). I don't see it myself, but you shouldn't let the fact that Jesse has been known to associate with terrorists affect your decision (unless you're like me and hate terrorists).

Of course, not everyone who hates Huey Lewis is a soulless, Jesse-esque monster, so I will once again put my faith in the democratic process and open up the ol' ballot box.

What do you say, Barnesyard Nation? Huey Lewis - Bump It or Dump It?

It's "Backstreets".

Sorry about the lack of posting...Maryland is meeting in Special Session, so I have to babysit that shit.

I haven't seen any movies this week -- my enthusiasm for theatrical runs has waned now that I don't necessarily get free movies anymore. I know what you're thinking...it's a disgrace that The Barnesyard should have to pay for movies, and a stain on our fair city. And after all that I've done for this lousy, one-horse town.

"Prairie Home Companion" opened last week at The Tower -- Darcey says, "eh." Al Gore's documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" opened as well -- DP says that he "has a gut feeling" that it's bullshit.

At the Crest, there's the Nick Cave-penned western "The Proposition", along with the Cannes 2005 winner "L'Enfant". "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" opens Friday. All look interesting.

As for wide releases, there's Jack Black in "Nacho Libre", Keanu/Bullock in "The Lake House", and the Poor Man's Paul Walker in "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift". All look pretty crap-lousy.

This Thursday night, "Flashdance" plays on the big screen of the Arden Fair at 10 p.m., while "Stargate" shows in Davis at the same time. Tough call -- if DP wants to go, it's "Stargate; if not, "Flashdance".

The great Yasujiro Ozu film "Tokyo Story" (#24 on the Barnesyard 102) plays Saturday night at the Crest. Tickets are 10 bucks, well worth it for this rare treat. I understand that Jim Lane and Carla Meyer are planning to stay at home and rewatch their screener tapes of "Poseidon" and "Cars".

Sometimes I like to imagine that people constantly stop me on the street and ask, "Hey Barnesyard, now that "X3", "MI3", "Cars", and "Prairie Home Companion" have been released, that's the end of the huge, big-budget summer blockbusters, right? The summer movie season's over, right? Nothing left to live for, right? American film really IS a bottomless sinkhole of inane product and moral bankruptcy, right?

Well, you're completely wrong except for that last one (boy, you really nailed that one on the head). Sure, Hollywood frontloaded the summer season with blockbusters and sequels to avoid going head-to-head internationally with the World Cup, but there are still a few tangible possibilities for decent summer movie entertainment left, or at least a cool place to sit.

That's why I've compiled The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer. Here are the films, listed in no particular order, and with apologies to "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties".

-"A Scanner Darkly" (Richard Linklater, trippy animation, and 90's has beens)
-"Talladega Nights" (with Will Ferrell, hoping for a reprisal of that "Anchorman" magic)
-"Idlewild" (Outkast musical promises to be like nothing else released this summer)
-"World Trade Center" (the film that will either save Oliver Stone or destroy him forever)
-"Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" (for reasons that should be plainly obvious)
-"The Illusionist" (Sundance fave starring Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti as competing magicians)
-"Lady in the Water" (more Giamatti, this time in another M. Night Shyamalan what-the-fuck-was-that-thing-in-that-thing fest)
-"Pirates of the Carribbean 2" (Keira Knightley wears boots and swashbuckles (I'm assuming that's something nasty)...plus, if you don't watch, "Pirates 3" won't make a lick of sense)
-"Miami Vice" (how do Michael Mann movies always cost $100 million to make if the entire film is shot with handheld camera?)
-"The Devil and Daniel Johnston" (this documentary opens next week -- I'm not a big Johnston fan, but it came down to this one or "Nacho Libre")

Keep in mind that I have limited my list only to those films that I am confident will be released in our fair city between now and August. I have omitted not only the films currently showing in Sacramento I haven't seen, but also independent movies, foreign films, and documentaries with sketchy release dates. Here are a few of those intriguing films that may or may not get released in Sacramento this summer:

-Wordplay (a doc. about crossword puzzle enthusiasts)
-The Science of Sleep (the new Michel Gondry film)
-Little Miss Sunshine (family comedy-drama with Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin)
-Strangers With Candy (finally...maybe)
-Russian Dolls (Cedric Klapisch's followup to "L'Auberge Espagnole")
-Coastlines (new Victor Nunez movie)
-Beerfest (new Broken Lizard movie seems like a potential return to form. Rumor has it that Mike Dub is already scheduling plans to argue that it's only funny if you're stoned)

Happy watching, everyone!

Well, I was able to pile in SIX John Wayne/John Ford movies this weekend -- 1 on Friday, 3 on Saturday, and 2 on Sunday...so many drunken, singing, fighting Irishmen! Pearl Harbor was bombed twice, the 7th Cavalry charged at least half a dozen times, and John Wayne just would not stop punching people! Good times, though...look for my piece in the News and Review the week after next.

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I watched "Over the Hedge" last night...it's pleasant enough, but none of it sticks with you. There are some cute critters, decent voice work, and a couple of fairly entertaining chase scenes, dsfbut I can't say I laughed with any regularity or conviction. DP and Jessica, on the other hand, felt surprisingly entertained by the picture. I think it's a harmless, watchable movie, but a bit of a dud. GRADE: C+.

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Check back this afternoon for my Summer Movie List.

Things are looking pretty dead around here, so maybe I'll just wait until Monday to post my summer movies list. I have 6 John Ford movies to watch, so this will be a busy weekend. See you next week!

It's been an amazing ride, but Barnesyard Staff Writer Little Richard has submitted the final installment of Little Richard Presents: Little Richard's One to Grow On, By Little Richard, a vitalizing series of inspirational stories for today's troubled youth.

Volume 6: The Winds of Change

"I developed a specially close relationship with Paul McCartney, but me and John couldn't make it. John had a nasty personality. He was different from Paul and George, they were sweet. You know, submissive. John and Ringo had strange personalities, both of them. John would do his no-manners [break wind] and jump over and fan it all over the room, and I didn't like it. Sometimes he would do two in a row and say, 'Oooh whee! He did two tonight!' It would bother me. I didn't want to hear that sutff, y'know."

...and that's One to Grow On, By Little Richard

Next week on Little Richard's One to Grow On: the uplifting final chapter.

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I know that there probably a few of you out there who for some reason don't like Sir Paul McCartney, who recently had his heart crushed by ampu-ho Heather Mills. For those people, I have this message, which I deliver with all due respect: I sincerely believe that you are a sick individual, and I urge you to seek counseling and copious amounts of psychotropic medication immediately. Maybe you've never heard of the band that McCartney used to be in called the BEATLES???!!! They had a few hits back in the 60's...give them a listen, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Seriously though, you should probably report yourself to the Department of Homeland Security right away, on the off chance that you might be a terrorist. Jesse, you should just report yourself regardless.

Hey Dub, did you know that the German-language title for "Pushing Tin" was "Turbulenzen - und andere Katastrophen"? Not so terrible anymore, is it?

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Bruce "King of the Press Release Review" Dancis wrote about the John Ford/John Wayne box set in today's paper. Don't poison your mind by reading it, just wait another couple of weeks for my News and Review piece. I will only need 300 words to do a smarter, more perceptive version of his two-page yawner. Don't forget that Dancis is the man who once claimed that "Singin' in the Rain" was not a great musical because it wasn't nominated for an Academy Award. That's how his twisted mind operates.

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Well, surprise, surprise, Blogger was acting like a cocksucker again yesterday, so I didn't get to publish my top 10 films of the rest of the summer. Look for that list later today.

A few movies that won't make the cut:

-"Cars", because fuck a buncha cars.
-"Superman Returns", already a presold hit, and a fairly crap-lousy-looking one at that. I have forbidden Darcey from watching the new movie until she sees the Christopher Reeve original, especially since it appears that they are recycling Brando's part. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor? Great idea for a MadTV sketch, terrible idea in any other context.
-"Snakes On a Plane" - I just don't get it. Manufactured hype on a grand scale. This is a movie where you get excited about the DVD rental, not the theatrical release.
-Anything that opened this week, because it's already old news.
-"Click", for obvious reasons.

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Up next: Little Richard's One to Grow On...The Inspirational Final Chapter

Despite campaigning in a ridiculous beret, Billy Bob Thornton sailed to victory this week, claiming 12 Bumps against 2 Dumps. After Brian De Palma's 7-1 blowout last week, that makes two laughers in a row. So is everyone down to go watch "Mr. Woodcock" together on opening weekend? Better start queueing up months in advance, "Phantom Menace"-style.

William Robert Thornton, you have been OFFICIALLY BUMPED.

I already have a new Bump It or Dump It candidate in mind for next week, but I am always open to suggestions. Drop me a line at barnesyard@comcast.net.

UP NEXT: The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer

Obviously, Blogger has been eff-you-muthafuckin'-see-kayed today, which is why there were no posts or comments (yeah, THAT's why, Barnesyard). Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

At any rate, I'm up to my neck in John Ford at the moment. I am reviewing the brand new 8-movie John Ford/John Wayne box set on a one-week deadline for an upcoming News and Review issue. One of the films in the set is "The Searchers", my favorite movie of all time, so I'm pretty excited to write about that.

In addition, there are several new In the Mix reviews that will be trickling out in the next month, including a few quintessential classic Barnesyard-ian quips that ALLLLLL the kids will be repeating ad nauseum for the next several years (Maxwell, I apologize in advance).

Last week, FFT expressed confusion over whether my review of "The Devil's Miner" was a postive or a negative one. Besides the fact that this was not my best piece of writing, this highlights the differences between writing the blog and writing for publication.

Unlike the rampant self-indulgence of the blogosphere, the News and Review has a very limited space to work in -- In the Mix reviews are a little over a hundred words long, and Bring This Home pieces are 300 words. There are also different demands for the published review, such as plot descriptions, complete sentences, and relevance, that sometimes leave little space for a personal mark.

I also don't get to give my traditional letter grade to the movies, so in the interests of clarification, here are the grades for all of the films I've written about for the News and Review. This will finally allow you to translate my News and Review articles into the language of The Barnesyard, a discrepancy that I'm certain has led to many a restless night.

-The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio: C
-Ellie Parker: B-
-Mr. Arkadin - The Comprehensive Version: A-
-Cross of Iron: C+
-Magic: B
-The Devil's Miner: B+
-Nathalie...: C-

Tomorrow: The Barnesyard's Top 10 Movies of the Rest of the Summer!

It seems as though Billy Bob Thornton will be having an easier time claiming victory today than either Westly or Angelides...at last count, the Billy Bob Bumps lead the Billy Bob Dumps by a count of 7 to 2. I'll leave the polls open for another day or so to give the stragglers a chance to vote, but it appears that a last-minute upset is unlikely.

I read the EW wrapup of the Cannes Film Festival, and it went a little like this:

-Richard Kelly's "Donnie Darko" followup, the 2 1/2-hour plus "Southland Tales", was savaged "Brown Bunny" style.
-Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette" severely divided the crowd.
-everyone lost their shit over Almodovar's "Volver", starring Penelope Cruz.
-Linklater's two entries -- "Fast Food Nation" and "A Scanner Darkly" were generally well-received, as was "Babel", Alejandro Innaritu's followup to "21 Grams".
-Sascha Baron Cohen's "Borat" feature film -- directed by Larry Charles of "Masked and Anonymous" fame" -- seemed to get the most universally positive reception.
-Kevin Smith's "Clerks 2" received an eight-minute standing ovation, but I've seen the preview and it sure does look terrible!
-British filmmaker Ken Loach's "The Wind That Shakes the Barley", a 1920's-set IRA film starring Cillian Murphy, won the top prize. It will probably receive a token release in America.

I'll be back later today/tonight with some more movie talk.

This week's Barnesyard Bump It or Dump It comes from long-time reader/first-time e-mailer CorvusConway. She suggested that a certain FIVE-times-married/FIVE-times-divorced Hot Springs, Arkansas native be put up to the vote. The man in question is the son of a psychic, a former (and current) country-rock musician, and ex-struggling scriptwriter who went from scraping by on TV sitcoms to appearing in some of the most garish blockbusters of the modern era. He also has a famous phobia of antique furniture, and in case you were wondering, his real given name is William Robert.

Of course, we're talking about Billy Bob Thornton. But before the verdict, a brief filmography:

One False Move (also coscripted)
Indecent Proposal
Bound by Honor
Tombstone
Floundering
On Deadly Ground
Dead Man
Sling Blade (also directed, scripted)
A Family Thing (coscripted only)
Princess Mononoke (voice)
U Turn
The Apostle
Primary Colors
Homegrown
Armageddon
A Simple Plan
Pushing Tin
The Gift (coscripted only)
All the Pretty Horses (directed, coproduced only)
The Man Who Wasn't There
Bandits
Monster's Ball
Daddy and Them (also directed, scripted)
Waking Up in Reno
Levity
Intolerable Cruelty
Love Actually
Bad Santa
The Alamo
Friday Night Lights
The Bad News Bears
The Ice Harvest
The Astronaut Farmer (slated for 2006 - new film from the makers of fucking "Northfork")
Mr. Woodcock/School for Scoundrels (both slated for 2006, both appear to be broad comedies -- the former is pictured above, the latter is directed by Todd Smith of "Old School" fame)

DAN'S TAKE... (remember that I am rating Billy Bob's performances, not the films themselves)

THE GOOD: One False Move; Dead Man; Sling Blade; U Turn; The Apostle; Primary Colors; A Simple Plan; The Gift; The Man Who Wasn't There; Bandits; Monster's Ball; Bad Santa

THE BAD: Floundering; All the Pretty Horses; Love Actually

THE INDIFFERENT: Indecent Proposal; A Family Thing; Armageddon; Pushing Tin; Intolerable Cruelty; Daddy and Them; Levity; Bad News Bears; The Ice Harvest

HAVEN'T SEEN: Bound by Honor; On Deadly Ground; Homegrown; Waking Up in Reno; The Alamo; Friday Night Lights

THE VERDICT:

As Billy Bob Thornton has grown as an actor, so he has recessed as a filmmaker. When he broke through with "Sling Blade" in 1996 (he had already made a name by coscripting the brilliant Southern noir "One False Move" in 1992), it seemed as though he would be a true triple threat, but I wouldn't be surprised if his writing and directing days are officially over -- he hasn't had a script produced since 2000, and hasn't directed a film in roughly the same amount of time. Moreover, his last two efforts were heavily compromised and not particularly good -- "Daddy and Them" was a vanity project starring then-girlfriend Laura Dern that was shot in 1998 and never released theatrically, while the Carson McCullers adaptation "All the Pretty Horses" was similarly delayed, with Thornton's original cut running over 4 hours (the enervated final cut is barely watchable at 114 minutes).

Once we acknowledge that the success of "One False Move", "Sling Blade", and Katie Holmes' nude scene in "The Gift" are at least partially attributable to Thornton's behind-the-camera work, we are left to judge Thornton's career solely as an actor.

I'll admit it right off the bat: I'm a huge fan. Whether he's a one-scene walk-on in a terrible film ("Indecent Proposal"), a small part of an ensemble cast ("Dead Man", "U Turn", "Armageddon"), a supporting player ("Primary Colors", "The Apostle"), or a star ("Levity", "Bad Santa"), he always commands the screen. No matter if the movie is good, bad, or in between, Thornton is usually the best thing about whatever he's in.

"Sling Blade" (based on his own short film) was the breakthrough film, and although I have a feeling that it may not age well, his performance as the mentally deficient but morally decent Karl Childers proved his chameleonic talent. He never breaks character for a moment and seems totally in tune with the part.

From then on, it seemed as though he would balance strong character roles with his own writing and directing projects. However, he had a second breakthrough in 1998, playing slobby sidekick to Bill Paxton in the perennially underrated "A Simple Plan". He managed to make his character pathetic and sympathetic at the same time, and received another Oscar nomination for it. Suddenly, it seemed like a career behind the camera would be a waste of his talents.

2001 was the Year of Billy Bob -- he starred in three different films and played three completely different characters, all of them convincingly. He was a psychologically damaged bigot in "Monster's Ball" and a Woody-esque neurotic in the broad comedy "Bandits", but it was as the enigmatic murderer Ed Crane in the Coens' "The Man Who Wasn't There" that he cemented his greatness. He managed to cut through the Coens' omnipresent undercurrent of archness to bring out remarkable layers of sadness and desperation in a character who outwardly reveals nothing.

Since then, Thornton's career has been a bit of a mixed bag -- "Bad Santa" couldn't have existed without Billy Bob's penchant for fully inhabiting his characters, but everything else has been fair to mediocre. He was cast in the Matthau role in "Bad News Bears", and while I have no problem seeing Thornton as the modern-day Matthau, his performance was uninspired (the movie itself is a product of the PG-13 era -- gross but tame). In "The Ice Harvest" and "Levity", he was once again the best part of a mediocre endeavor.

In the end, Thornton has given at least a half dozen performances of uncommon depth and understanding, and is almost always fun to watch. His upcoming slate of films doesn't get my blood racing, but I have to assume there is another Ed Crane or Karl Childers in his future.

BUMP IT!

Now that I've had my say, I will once again put my trust in the democratic process and officially open up the ballot box. What do you say, Barnesyard Nation? Billy Bob Thornton...Bump It or Dump It?

Eric Musselman is a damn good hire.

He's not a blockbuster hire, a la Phil Jackson or Larry Brown. He has solid credentials but not overwhelming ones, like Don Nelson or PJ Carlesimo. But there is a lot to like there.

First of all, he got a raw deal in Golden State -- the team markedly improved under his 2-year leadership, and he got the most he possibly could out of a lousy roster that was further scrambled by incoming GM Chris Mullin (who signed both Adonal Foyle and Mike Dunleavy to long-term deals instead of Gilbert Arenas).

He seems to fill every one of the Maloofs' criteria for a new coach:

-Defensive-minded, but not at the expense of offensive freedom
-Communicative
-Ambitious and hungry
-Willing to work the community (as evidenced by his appearance at Arden Fair Mall this weekend -- don't you get the feeling that Rick Adelman would rather sit in a dark room than play host to that sort of pep rally? Don't you get the feeling that Rick Adelman would rather sit in a dark room than do most anything?)

The watchword for the Kings this offseason has been "defense", and Golden State's points allowed average dropped considerably under his tenure (the same happened the past couple of years in Memphis, where he was assistant to Mike Fratello). The current Sacramento squad is built for defense and quickness, especially if Bonzi Wells resigns and Geoff Petrie can obtain a shot blocker in the offseason. If the assumptions about Musselman are true, this can pay great dividends for the development of Artest, Kevin Martin, and Francisco Garcia, who would have been allowed to set up camp behind the three-point line and play lazy defense under Rick Adelman.

Musselman's acerbic style has supposedly led to clashes with players in his past. This worries a lot of people, especially since Adelman's laissez-faire attitude seemed to mollify the team's "difficult" players of past and present (J-Will, C-Webb, Christie, Artest, Wells, etc.). Musselman won't take any shit, and while I have long resisted the notion that screaming at players and acting like a totalitarian makes you a great coach, I have become sufficiently frustrated with Adelman's let-them-run-wild-then-cross-your-arms-and-roll-your-eyes-and-act-like-you-don't-give-a-flying-fuck style of coaching that I'm willing to support a different school of thought.

One of the most encouraging things I've been hearing about Eric Musselman is his extreme preparedness. This allowed him to sail through the interview process, but it also bodes for a refreshing change of pace for Kings fans. How many times in the past few seasons have the Kings come out at the start of a game or the beginning of the second half and laid an egg? How many times have they come out of the gate looking completely unprepared to play basketball? I don't see Musselman allowing for that kind of crap.

In a similar vein, how many times has Rick Adelman allowed another team to go on a run by refusing to break their momentum with a timeout? How many times at the end of close games have we watched him simply wave his team down the floor instead of calling a timeout, only to see the Kings either take a bad shot or turn it over?

Will Eric Musselman bring us a championship? Probably not (I mean, let's face it...do you see how deep some of these teams are?), but he will get the most he possibly can out of the roster that he's given. He seems like an overachiever, which certainly would mark him as the anti-Adelman. And that, if nothing else, is cause for celebration.

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Of course, most of what we know about Musselman has been filtered through the Sacramento Bee and KHTK 1140, and if you take everything they say as fact, then:

-John Whitsenant will definitely be hired as the new coach
-Rick "Genius" Adelman definitely won't be fired in the first place
-Peja is the future of the team
-Grant Napear will quit if the team trades for Ron Artest (he actually said this)
-Sacramento is stupid for not wanting to give the Maloofs a new downtown arena, even though deep down they really do want to give the Maloofs a new downtown arena.

So obviously, the local paper and sports radio station are experts on nothing except saying stupid things that are false.

There's not a lot of action in the ol' blogosphere today, so I guess I'll pack it in and start over fresh on Monday. There are a few new movies this week -- "The Break Up" in wide release, the new Wenders film "Don't Come Knocking" at the Tower, and last year's Cannes winner "L'Enfant/The Child" at the Crest.

If you haven't seen "X3" The Last Stand" yet, I would recommend it. Die-hard fans of the X-Men will probably be disappointed, because Brett Ratner eschews all character and story development in favor of special effects and one-on-one mutant fights -- the Phoenix character just looks pissed off all the time, important characters are offed in unimpressive fashion, every mutant can jump 70 feet in the air regardless of their power, and there's even the requisite kick-in-the-nuts laugh line. However, I have to admit that the movie delivers the goods on a very elemental level of entertainment -- the special effects and action scenes are certainly above-average, and there's lots of good-looking people to ogle. GRADE: B.

Don't forget -- if you have any Bump It or Dump It ideas, Dare Daniel suggestions, What the Fucking Fuck...questions, movie recommendations/warnings, or anything else you want to talk about, please e-mail me at: barnesyard@comcast.net.

See you next week!

One of the frustrating/fascinating things about IMDB is that once a new movie project is announced, it isn't removed from the site for years, even though it never got past the planning stages. Stars, directors, and studios always try to create a huge splash by announcing projects in the press that haven't even entered the preproduction stage.

For example, Hugh Jackman got some press last month at the Cannes Film Festival while promoting "X-Men 3" when he announced that a solo "Wolverine" film was in the works. The movie may get made or it may not...it might even get made with a different actor -- recall that Michelle Pfeiffer's name was attached to a "Catwoman" film for years before it was finally made with Halle Berry in a movie that was related to the Batman series in name only. Directors, actors, and writers attach and detach themselves from high-profile projects so frequently it's hard to know what to believe anymore.

Speaking of Batman, I got to interview "Batman Begins" director Christopher Nolan a few years back when he was promoting "Insomnia", and at the time, he was all keyed up about making a Howard Hughes biopic starring Jim Carrey. There are probably about 700 unmade Batman-related films, including a Darren Aronofsky-helmed project that never got out of development. And this week's Bumpee Brian De Palma got some notice a while back when he announced his intent to make a prequel to "The Untouchables" that would focus on the rise of Al Capone -- since then, he has made one movie scheduled for release ("Black Dahlia") and has started work on another (the slasher film "Toyer", slated for next year).

And does anyone recall that 2 or 3 years ago, there were supposed to be competing Hannibal biopics coming out? One of them was going to be directed by "Moulin Rouge" director Baz Luhrmann, and the other was supposed to be a $200 million epic with Vin Diesel starring as Hannibal. As far as I can tell, both projects have been shelved. While promoting "The Pacifier" last year, Diesel claimed that HE would be directing a scaled-down version of the Hannibal story, but there's been no movement on that front (thank God). Meanwhile, Baz Luhrmann, who hasn't released a film since "Moulin Rouge" in 2001, is becoming the unofficial king of the unmade movie -- besides the shelved Hannibal picture, his proposed $150 million film about the Japanese bombing of an Australian town during WWII is looking sketchy after first Russell Crowe and then Heath Ledger exited the project.

My favorite unmade movie of all time? That would have to be Stanley Kubrick's "A.I.", not only because the story would have been right in Kubrick's wheelhouse, but because it posits an alternate utopian reality where Spielberg's "A.I." and Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut" never existed.

Much to my surprise, Brian De Palma had an easy time getting Bumped, by a count of 7 to 1. While it seems that no one was quite as passionate about De Palma as I was, it looked like everyone was willing to overlook a litany of duds to Bump De Palma on the basis of a personal favorite -- "Blow Out" was the most cited film, but there were also nods to "Scarface", "Carrie", "Phantom of the Paradise", and even "Bonfire of the Vanities" (Charles, ladies and gentlemen, give him a hand). For whatever reason, the anti-De Palma contingent never mobilized, although I can recall hearing Michelle and Becks criticize his work before. Only Film For Tourists dumped, clearly unable to see the forest for the "Mission to Mars".

For the uninitiated, I think "Blow Out" is a great starting point, but you can't go wrong with "Carrie", "Scarface", or "Dressed to Kill". But even De Palma's lesser films usually have at least one bravura sequence in them -- the long tracking shot in "Bonfire", the pursuit through the shopping mall in "Body Double", the "Topkapi" ripoff from "Mission: Impossible". Any way you slice it, Brian De Palma makes some of the most ecstatically movie-ish movies you're ever going to see.

Brian De Palma, you have been Officially Bumped.

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If anyone has any ideas for a new Bump It or Dump It subject, a Dare Daniel suggestion, a What the Fucking Fuck's Up With That? question, a movie recommendation, or anything else you want to write me about, please direct everything to my new e-mail address: barnesyard@comcast.net.

UP NEXT: More movie reviews.