The Barnesyard

Well, Becky linked to my site expecting a full analysis of the Oscar nominations, so I suppose I am obliged to at least phone something in. Thanks a lot, Becks.

While I was extremely pleased to see Terence Howard get nominated for his work in "Hustle and Flow", I was even more excited to see that the film's centerpiece crunk tune, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp", was nominated in the Best Song category (beating out Alanis Morrisette's closing credit song from "Narnia" and the Emmylou Harris song from "Brokeback Mountain" that won the Golden Globe)! This is without a doubt the first hip-hop song ever nominated for an Academy Award -- I can't wait to hear Natalie Cole perform it.

I have seen 4 of the 5 Best Picture nominees (still haven't gotten around to watching "Munich", but its numerous nominations ensure I'll have ample opportunity to do so before the telecast on March 5), and I have to say that they're an unsurprising, sturdy, utterly uninteresting lot. "Brokeback Mountain" is certainly the best of the lot, a very affecting and well-acted love story, although I think Ang Lee's style is a touch too tasteful for my liking.

As for the other nominees, I have already reviewed the films "Capote" and "Good Night, and Good Luck" on the blog. The less said about "Crash" the better -- the film is a sham, as are all of its nominations.

Other than that, there weren't too many surprises -- I was happy to see "Murderball" get a nod in the documentary category (but where's "Grizzly Man"?); I was nonplussed that Paul Giamatti, after years of unconscionable snubs, finally gets a nomination for the worst performance he's ever given, in the execrable "Cinderella Man"; nominations for Charlize Theron and Keira Knightley ensure that the telecast will be worth at least a couple of boners; all 5 movies nominated for best picture got best director nods, a rarity; Woody Allen received his usual token screenplay nod for "Match Point", while Noah Baumbach was thrown a similar bone for "The Squid and the Whale" (with Jeff Daniels emerging as the most egregious snub).

But enough of this starfucking! You all want to know who I'm picking in the short film categories, right? Well, for live action short, I'm leaning towards "Six Shooter", while I feel that "Badgered" is a lock in the animated short category. Find out for yourselves on Sunday, March 5.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Barnesyard 100, (plus 2 for luck) the most definitive list of anti-terrorist pictures ever created. This is as an accurate a picture of my cinematic tastes that I can muster, so watch them and enjoy. I will print Mike Dub's list a little later. A few notes before the list:

-Documentaries were excluded due to the difficulty in gauging their relative value against narrative films.

-All "Star Wars" films were banned from the list due to George Lucas being a Mon Calamari water opera bubble-size tool.

-All films were considered individually, not as part of a series or trilogy (e.g., Lord of the Rings, Godfather, Indiana Jones, The Thin Man, etc.)

Without further ado, the list:

1) The Searchers
2) Citizen Kane
3) Taxi Driver
4) Singin' in the Rain
5) Vertigo
6) The Apartment
7) Magnolia
8) Chinatown
9) It's a Wonderful Life
10) Dr. Strangelove
11) Some Like It Hot
12) Pulp Fiction
13) The Godfather
14) The Man Who Wasn't There
15) Casablanca
16) Rear Window
17) The Purple Rose of Cairo
18) Fargo
19) Annie Hall
20) Mishima: A Life in 4 Chapters
21) Jean de Florette
22) Ali: Fear Eats the Soul
23) McCabe and Mrs. Miller
24) Tokyo Story
25) Nashville
26) Apocalypse Now
27) American Gigolo
28) Goodfellas
29) Reservoir Dogs
30) The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
31) Blow Out
32) About Schmidt
33) The Graduate
34) Bonnie and Clyde
35) Crimes and Misdemeanors
36) City Lights
37) Dog Day Afternoon
38) The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
39) Midnight Cowboy
40) Airplane!
41) Star 80
42) The King of Comedy
43) To Have and Have Not
44) The Passion of Joan of Arc
45) Double Indemnity
46) Boogie Nights
47) The Conversation
48) Touch of Evil
49) Raiders of the Lost Ark
50) Raising Arizona
51) Bringing Up Baby
52) One From the Heart
53) 2001: A Space Odyssey
54) Bridge On the River Kwai
55) Requiem For a Dream
56) Once Upon a Time in America
57) The Third Man
58) Modern Times
59) Badlands
60) The General
61) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
62) The Man in the White Suit
63) Sunset Boulevard
64) Fight Club
65) Dumbo
66) Raging Bull
67) Miller's Crossing
68) Psycho
69) Blue Collar
70) The Wizard of Oz
71) The Manchurian Candidate
72) Radio Days
73) It Happened One Night
74) The Right Stuff
75) The Bicycle Thief
76) Network
77) True Romance
78) Bully
79) His Girl Friday
80) Starship Troopers
81) Strangers on a Train
82) Glengarry Glen Ross
83) The Rules of Attraction
84) Night and the City (the original)
85) The Bellboy
86) A Hard Day's Night
87) Jaws
88) Rebel Without a Cause
89) The Westerner
90) Rififi
91) Ed Wood
92) The Killing
93) The Deer Hunter
94) A Night at the Opera
95) Anatomy of a Murder
96) Manhattan
97) Rushmore
98) Sabrina
99) Enemies, a Love Story
100) I Am a Fugitive From a Chain Gang
101) The Last Detail
102) Rio Bravo

Questions? Comments? Debate? Anyone?

Hello,

You don't know me, but you may have noticed that you've pretty much had your run of things for the past couple of months, pushing people around, taking up two parking spaces, and raiding the candy drawer at will. I'm sure that you would attribute this to the weak fiber of democracy, but in truth, it is due entirely to the fact that I have stopped publishing my daily, fiercely pro-American blog ever since mid-December. My blog was symbolic of everything that was right with America -- great films, great music, Jessica Alba's tush, that overwhelming attitude of entitlement...it gave strength and hope to those who had none.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Terrorist (and Jesse) I've got some bad news for you...I'm coming back in the month of February. And I'm bringing Little Richard, Bruce Springsteen, Buddy Holly, and Mike Dub...and we're gonna stick a boot up your ass.

Sincerely,

The Barnesyard

The Artest-for-Peja deal is back on! Pending league approval, Artest is supposed to be suited up and ready to play for Friday night's game in Boston. The Barnesyard: Officially Re-Interested.

The Peja-for-Artest deal is off!!! Apparently, Artest had claimed that he would not come play for the Kings, and Sacramento pulled out of the deal. Never mind that C-Webb said the same thing before coming to Sacramento and playing All-Star ball for half a dozen years. Once again, we are stuck with Peja. Once again, we have no hope. Once again, I have officially lost interest in the Kings.

In case you haven't all heard the big news, the Kings have traded Peja Stojakovic straight-up for Ron Artest. After several months of pure apathy, I would like to declare myself officially interested in the Kings again. This deal is risky and not necessarily a passport into the playoffs, but it at least shows that the Kings still have some balls, and that they recognize that Peja is not the answer in the long- or short-term. Ironically, the front cover story in today's Bee Sports section declared Peja's wish to remain a King for the rest of his career, even it meant giving Sacramento a "hometown" discount. All I can say is this: good riddance. Peja, you were always soft, you'll always be soft, and now you're just soft in a different city. Ron Artest, welcome to Sacramento.

I hear the plaintive cries of embattled Sacramentans, I see the unholy, arid wasteland that your lives have become ever since the Barnesyard went on hiatus, and I understand that I'm the only person who can save this town from turning into a godless, post-apocalyptic hellscape a la San Jose (well, me and Little Richard, my point man on both soul-saving and bisexual orgies). But I'm going to have to ask you all to hang on for just a little while longer. With the crush of the holidays, the beginning of the legislative season, and a nagging cold to contend with, there is little time left for posting.

Blogging from work is near-impossible at this point, but I am in the process of shopping for a new personal computer that will make blogging from home a cotton-candy-gilded fantasy instead of a frustrating ordeal. Some things will change, some will stay the same...excruciating details to follow.

In the meantime, I will whet your appetites by posting my Top 10 list for 2005, along with my Bottom 5 (the bad movies deserve less space than the good). Keep in mind that I still have not seen such lauded 2005 flicks as "Munich", "Brokeback Mountain", "Syriana", "2046", "Memoirs of a Geisha", "Match Point", etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. However, did I see about 80 films released in 2005, enough to compile a perfectly acceptable top 10. Without further ado, the list:

1) The Squid and the Whale
2) 5X2
3) Hustle and Flow
4) Murderball
5) The 40 Year-Old Virgin
6) Grizzly Man
7) Last Days
8) Mysterious Skin
9) Mondovino
10) Jarhead

And the bottom 5 (#1 being the worst)

1) Melinda and Melinda (I never thought Woody could make a film worse than "September", but wham...there it is)
2) The Longest Yard
3) Cinderella Man
4) Aeon Flux
5) Layer Cake

I know what you're thinking...hey Barnesyard, what about your favorite punching bag, "Episode III: Revenge of the Bubbles"? Undoubtedly, "Episode III" is the most poorly shot, poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted, and poorly constructed film of the year. And yet, the film (the entire series, really) has brought me significant ancillary pleasure by writing, talking, and laughing about it, that it belongs in some sort of Hall of Fame. To put it on this list would be like pitting a professional bad film against a field of amateurs...not fair.