The Barnesyard

I apologize for the complete lack of posts this past week. I have been very busy here at work, and whenever I'm not busy, I just want to take a half-day and go home (like today). I don't want you all to think that the scarcity of posts means that the long-promised creative drought has finally struck The Barnesyard. In fact, there are tons of things I've been wanting to write about, and I've been frustrated that I haven't been able to. But the end of the year is upon us, and the time is ripe for retreat and reflection (read: nonstop NBA Live 06 marathon). I've been thinking a lot about where I want The Barnesyard to go in the coming year, and all I can promise you at this stage is that it will be bigger, better, faster, louder, angrier, with more explosions and singing bears. I'll stop myself before I make any promises I can't keep, and just wish all my readers a safe and happy holiday season.

"King Kong" (2005 - Director: Peter Jackson)

"That's Carl...he always kills the things he loves." -Jack Driscoll, "King Kong"

One of the most coveted status symbols for an A-list filmmaker is the three-hour movie -- if you can get a Hollywood studio to bankroll a three-hour vanity picture in the era of attention deficit disorder, you've truly achieved superstar clout. Of course, Peter Jackson already got a studio to bankroll an entire trilogy of three-hour-plus epics, so it's baffling as to why he chose to extend his remake of the 1933 psychosexual monster-movie fantasia "King Kong" out to an unwieldly 180 minutes.

Jackson's remake tells essentially the exact same story as Merian C. Cooper and Ernest Schoedsack's original giant ape film, and yet that film was barely an hour and a half long. I guess Jackson could have pared his film down to a lean 90 minutes, but then he would have had to cut out all the BULLSHIT!!!

Peter Jackson's "King Kong" arrives on screens this week as a mounumental dud, a 25-foot gorilla-sized disaster of self-indulgence that can only be saved by a monolithic marketing campaign. There's a reason the studio decided to show so much of the ape in the trailer -- everything else in the film is crap-lousy and boring as hell, a dawdling, shabby mess of needless characters, Lucas-ian low humor, and blank stares passing for emotional heft.

The set-up of Jackson's film hues closely to the original -- film crew travels to remote island with naive actress in tow -- and yet the exposition plays out in a fashion so pointless, tortured, and padded, that it puts all three "Jurassic Park" films to shame. Even worse, several years of sitting behind a computer console seem to have robbed Jackson of his human touch (it's no wonder that Kong is the only character who is even marginally realized) -- the tin-eared dialogue would sound better coming from elves and dwarves, and the actors seem clueless as to how to play their characters. Everything feels flat. Everything feels forced. A simple scene of Adrien Brody typing the word "Skull" is shot with Michael Bay-esque laughable overkill.

As the film crew makes their way towards the island, the film dawdles endlessly -- Naomi Watts mugs as a vaudeville comedienne, Adrien Brody broods as a Federal Theatre playwright, the ship sails through dangerous waters, romance blooms, etc. All the while, we realize that once they get ot the island, the giant monkey will grab Watts and none of this hornswaggle will matter anymore.

Around this time, we are introduced to the character of Jimmy, a young sailor on the steamer. We get Jimmy's life story, watch Jimmy's courage tested, we hear about Jimmy's need for a good education, get Jimmy's thoughts on "Heart of Darkness" in an impromptu book club meeting on the tramp steamer. Jimmy this, Jimmy that, Jimmy the other. Save Jimmy, where's Jimmy?, is Jimmy alright?, blah fucking blah. All the while, I'm thinking, "Jimmy? Who gives a flying set of fucks about JIMMY? Why do they keep...talking...about...JIMMY???!!!" At one point, I leaned over to Darcey and asked, "Eventually, there's a giant monkey who runs around smashing shit, right?" Her reply: "No." For a while there, I feared she might be correct.

Well, they do FINALLY get to the uncharted, prehistoric island, where they meet the giant gorilla (and a host of other oversized creatures), who steals Watts away into the jungle. I don't want to give the impression that I wasn't occasionally entertained by "King Kong" -- there is a fight between King Kong and several dinosaurs that is one of the best-looking things you'll see in a movie this year, and a sequence in a canyon full of giant insects is appropriately squishy and unsettling. There are good moments and beautiful shots, but you've got to sift through a whole lot of BULLSHIT in order to find them.

I think that Jackson was on a tight deadline to finish "King Kong" for Christmas, and most of the scenes feel rushed and unformed. The special effects are decent, but hardly a step forward from "Lord of the Rings" or even "Jurassic Park" (did Spielberg's dinosaur films never get released in New Zealand?). However, Jackson has robbed the beast of any racial or sexual implications (which confirms my belief that Hollywood movies are MORE conservative today than they were in the studio system heyday), instead turning him into a misunderstood ragamuffin -- sort of a 25-foot gorilla version of DiCaprio's character in "Titanic". Jackson even includes a scene of Watts and the gorilla frolicking on the ice in Central Park that indicates just how much he's lost his grasp on the material.

I won't go into any more detail, because I know there are some of you who will be compelled to watch the film no matter what. Obviously, I'm not the only authority on the matter, it's all a matter of taste, and if you like the film, I hope you'll argue your case. But to this reviewer, "King Kong" is the product of a filmmaker consumed by ego, distanced from humanity, and utterly lost.

Grade: C-.

I haven't read any reviews or box office reports of Peter Jackson's "King Kong", so I'm clueless on the general consensus. My guess is that many reviewers liked it, many more felt bullied into liking it, and a significant number feel genuinely negative about the film. My review will be extremely negative. I just need to grab some coffee, work myself into a proper lather, and I'll be back around noon with the full, spoiler-free review. The Barnesyard word of the day: "Jimmy" (aka, the new "bubbles").

Today had to be reserved for actual work -- my old nemesis the Michigan legislature adjourned session this week, and there's a lot of stuff to get out. I have to get it all done early so that I can get off in time to see Peter Jackson's "King Kong" tonight (jealous, sucka?). I'll have a FULL, spoiler-free review of the film tomorrow on the Barnesyard, along with:

-Dare Daniel: "Uptown Girls"

-OnDemand From A-Z, Volume D: "Dark Days", a documentary about homeless people living underground in New York City.

-Kings talk, movie preview talk, and anything else that comes up. Stay warm out there, people.

In today's edition of The Sacramento Bee, Kings GM Geoff Petrie reassured the team's fans that, contrary to publicized reports, he has no intention of trading Peja Stojakovic for Ron Artest. Taking it even further, Petrie claimed that he has no plans to move Peja under any circumstances. This came as an enormous relief to Kings fans who feared that Geoff Petrie might try to clean up the mess he created by pulling off a trade that would make complete logical, financial, and strategical sense for both sides. Fans were also relieved to hear that the team would be stuck with a whining, withering superstar who never provides in crucial game moments and has proven himself to be the softest player in the entire NBA -- anything to prevent Petrie from being forced to part with self-appointed legacy and pampered golden boy, no matter how much it would help the team. But the Kings are 9-12 and have won two straight games, so clearly they've turned the corner and have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the comments, everyone...I'm sorry to make such a naked plea for attention, but the comment box was posting a lot of consecutive zeroes.

Well, the movie award season officially opened this season with the announcement of the Golden Globe nominees. Now, I'll argue as self-righteously as anyone that overhyped film awards like the Oscars, Golden Globes, and various guild awards are nothing more than Hollywood stroking itself -- it's just starfucking on a grand scale, and the movies that are rewarded are often second-rate, mostly safe, and almost always undeserving. To quote Clarence from "True Romance": Unwatchable movies made from unreadable books.

But I have to admit that there are many aspects of award season that I enjoy -- first, the best, most ambitious movies of the year are usually released around this time. But more importantly, I like the fact that people in every walk of life start getting excited about movies -- the parlor-game of picking nominees, the conversational catalyst of top ten lists, the reflectiveness spurred by the end of the year.

At any rate, here is a list of the nominees for this year's Golden Globes:


1.BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Focus Features/River Road Entertainment; Focus Features

b. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Potboiler Prods./Scion Films; Focus Features

c. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
Section Eight/2929 Entertainment/Participant Productions; Warner Independent Pictures

d. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
New Line Cinema; New Line Cinema

e. MATCH POINT
Jada Productions; DreamWorks Pictures


2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. MARIA BELLO
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

b. FELICITY HUFFMAN
TRANSAMERICA

c. GWYNETH PALTROW
PROOF

d. CHARLIZE THERON
NORTH COUNTRY

e. ZIYI ZHANG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA


3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

a. RUSSELL CROWE
CINDERELLA MAN

b. PHILIP SEYMOUR
HOFFMAN CAPOTE

c. TERRENCE HOWARD
HUSTLE & FLOW

d. HEATH LEDGER
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

e. DAVID STRATHAIRN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK


4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Heyman Hoskins Prods.; The Weinstein Company

b. PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Working Title Prods.; Focus Features/StudioCanal

c. THE PRODUCERS
Brooksfilms; Universal Pictures/Columbia Pictures

d. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
American Empirical/Peter Newman – Internal; Samuel Goldwyn Films/Sony Pictures Releasing International

e. WALK THE LINE
Twentieth Century Fox; Twentieth Century Fox


5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. JUDI DENCH
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

b. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
PRIDE & PREJUDICE

c. LAURA LINNEY
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE

d. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
THE FAMILY STONE

e. REESE WITHERSPOON
WALK THE LINE


6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. PIERCE BROSNAN
THE MATADOR

b. JEFF DANIELS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE

c. JOHNNY DEPP
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

d. NATHAN LANE
THE PRODUCERS

e. CILLIAN MURPHY
BREAKFAST ON PLUTO

f. JOAQUIN PHOENIX
WALK THE LINE


7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

a. KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
Columbia Pictures Film Prod. Asia Ltd/Huayi Brothers/Taihe Film Investment Co. Ltd/Star Overseas; Sony Pictures Classics

b. MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
Beijing 21st CenturySheng Kai/China Film Group/Capgen Investment Group/Moonstone Prods.; The Weinstein Company

c. MERRY CHRISTMAS (JOYEUX NOEL) (FRANCE)
Nord Quest Prods. Senator Film Prods./The Bureau Artemis Prods/Media Pro Pictures/TF1 Films/Les Productions de la Gueville; Sony Pictures Classics

d. PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
Augustus Film/Lama Films/Razor Films/Lumen Films/Arte France Cinema/Hazazah Film; Warner Independent Pictures

e. TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)
UK/South African Prods.; Miramax Films


8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. SCARLETT JOHANSSON
MATCH POINT

b. SHIRLEY MacLAINE
IN HER SHOES

c. FRANCES McDORMAND
NORTH COUNTRY

d. RACHEL WEISZ
THE CONSTANT GARDENER

e. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN


9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. GEORGE CLOONEY
SYRIANA

b. MATT DILLON
CRASH

c. WILL FERRELL
THE PRODUCERS

d. PAUL GIAMATTI
CINDERELLA MAN

e. BOB HOSKINS
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS


10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

a. WOODY ALLEN
MATCH POINT

b. GEORGE CLOONEY
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

c. PETER JACKSON
KING KONG

d. ANG LEE BROKEBACK
MOUNTAIN

e. FERNANDO MEIRELLES
THE CONSTANT GARDENER

f. STEVEN SPIELBERG
MUNICH


11. BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE

a. WOODY ALLEN
MATCH POINT

b. GEORGE CLOONEY & GRANT HESLOV
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

c. PAUL HAGGIS & BOBBY MORESCO
CRASH

d. TONY KUSHNER & ERIC ROTH
MUNICH

e. LARRY McMURTRY & DIANA OSSANA
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN


12. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE

a. ALEXANDRE DESPLAT
SYRIANA

b. JAMES NEWTON HOWARD
KING KONG

c. GUSTAVO SANTAOLALLA
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

d. HARRY GREGSON
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE
WILLIAMS LION, THE WITCH AND THE
WARDROBE

e. JOHN WILLIAMS
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA


13. BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE

a. “A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER GROW OLD” –- BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Music by: Gustavo Santaolalla
Lyrics by: Bernie Taupin

b. “CHRISTMAS IN LOVE” — CHRISTMAS IN LOVE
Music by: Tony Renis
Lyrics by: Marva Jan Marrow

c. “THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A SHOW ON BROADWAY” — THE PRODUCERS
Music & Lyrics by: Mel Brooks

d. “TRAVELIN’ THRU” — TRANSAMERICA
Music & Lyrics by: Dolly Parton

e. “WUNDERKIND” — THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
Music & Lyrics by: Alanis Morissette


I am most pleased by the nominations for "The Squid and the Whale" and I'm somewhat encouraged by the many nods to Woody Allen's upcoming "Match Point" (although Johannssen is nominated for a supporting role, not the lead as I had assumed). I'm also glad Terrence Howard got tapped for his part in "Hustle and Flow".

I've written a lot today, and I will give you all a chance to catch up before piling on anymore. I'm not going to post any more until I get some comments on the posts that are already up.

I thought I would reprint my list of the Top 50 Films of All-Time (Plus 1) for anyone who might have missed it. This list was compiled in August of this year.


1) The Searchers
2) Citizen Kane
3) Taxi Driver
4) Singin' in the Rain
5) Vertigo
6) Magnolia
7) The Apartment
8) Chinatown
9) Dr. Strangelove
10) Pulp Fiction
11) The Godfather
12) Some Like It Hot
13) The Man Who Wasn't There
14) Casablanca
15) The Purple Rose of Cairo
16) Fargo
17) Rear Window
18) Annie Hall
19) Mishima: A Life in 4 Chapters
20) It's a Wonderful Life
21) Jean de Florette
22) Tokyo Story
23) Blow Out
24) About Schmidt
25) Nashville
26) American Gigolo
27) Ali: Fear Eats the Soul
28) McCabe and Mrs. Miller
29) Goodfellas
30) To Have and Have Not
31) Reservoir Dogs
32) The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
33) The Graduate
34) Apocalypse Now (the original, not that Redux shit)
35) Bonnie and Clyde
36) Airplane!
37) The Conversation
38) Bridge On the River Kwai
39) Requiem For a Dream
40) The Passion of Joan of Arc
41) The King of Comedy
42) The Third Man
43) Star 80
44) City Lights
45) Raging Bull
46) Boogie Nights
47) Crimes and Misdemeanors
48) One From the Heart
49) Touch of Evil
50) Treasure of the Sierra Madre
and 1 for luck) 2001: A Space Odyssey

Agreements? Disagreements? Questions? Outrage? Gratitude? Contempt? Confusion? Lists of your own? ANYTHING??!!

"Cliffhanger" (1992 - Director: Renny Harlin)

The OnDemand free movie pickings were pretty slim for the letter "c" -- it was either Altman's "California Split", an excellent film about gamblers but one that I watched less than a year ago, or Renny Harlin's "Cliffhanger", which I saw in the theaters and dismissed back in 1992 prior to my 16th birthday.

Paradoxically, I liked the film a little bit more the second time around, which only proves that, though it's hard to believe, I've actually grown less pretentious with age (sufficed to say, the 1992 version of the Barnesyard was insufferable as hell). It's an incredibly stupid action film, with more scenes of people hanging on to cliff walls and mountain ledges than you could ever want in a film, and yet "Cliffhanger" is brisk, effective entertainment (whenever the characters stop talking and start climbing) that makes fantastic use of its mountainous setting.

Stallone plays an expert emergency rescue mountaineer who, in the opening scene, lets a woman that he is attempting to rescue slip through his fingers and fall to her death. He is haunted by her death (note: Stallone does not do "haunted" well), abandons his girlfriend (Janine Turner of "Northern Exposure", cute but bland), and swears off climbing. The poisoned memory of his failed rescue inspires exchanges like this one:

Stallone: "A lot of things died on that cliff"

Turner: "Yeah, I know."

Stallone: "But I don't think you know how much."

Does that even make grammatical or logical sense? The dialogue in "Cliffhanger" is strictly poor man's Steven DeSouza, with lots of forced exchanges, garbled tough talk, and leaden quips. But for the first two-thirds of the way, "Cliffhanger" is uncluttered and amusing action filmmaking. Renny Harlin is a gleeful hack, but he understands genre conventions and does a good job of undermining audience expectations (for example, a midair hijacking works because we are initially unsure of who is doing the hijacking -- every character looks shifty-eyed and threatening). Unfortunately, he doesn't do a good job in any other area, and the film is needlessly bogged down leading up to its conclusion.

John Lithgow plays the international criminal mastermind Eric Qualen, who commandeers a U.S. Treasury shipment in mid air. The robbery goes awry, however, as the thieves' plane crashes in the middle of a snowstorm and the briefcases full of bills are scattered throughout the mountainsides. The theives call in for help, and take Stallone hostage, forcing him to lead them to their packages. He escapes, naturally, and leads the thieves on a wild goose chase through the ice and snow.

"Cliffhanger" is incredibly stupid, with complete disregard for logic, physics, or the effects of cold exposure on the human body (Stallone needs only 10-15 seconds to warm up after climbing a mountain in his t-shirt, and then swims shirtless in the water underneath a frozen sheet of ice), but the action is appropriately bloody and overblown, with laughable but effective use of slow motion. It also includes one indefensible scene that nearly sinks the entire enterprise -- an African-American thug beats up Stallone in a cave, and insinuates that he's going to rape Turner after finishing him off. Stallone then picks up the thug and impales him on a stalactite/stalagmite (whichever one hangs down, but they're both obvious phallic symbols).

That said, "Cliffhanger" is fun in a down-to-your-level sort of way, and finds ingenious ways to work the mountainside stuntwork into the plot, including a scene in which Stallone rides one of the bad guys down the mountain like a sled. The movie is indefensibly idiotic, but let's not hold that against it.

Grade: B-.

TOMORROW ON THE BARNESYARD: Dare Daniel reviews "Uptown Girls" starring Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning. Also, start brainstorming suggestions for the next edition of Dare Daniel.

It's finally time for another installment of Dan and Dub's Duelling Movie Reviews, in which the two most obsessive and self-righteous film buffs to ever emanate from the Sacramento Delta's fertile womb watch and review an obscure, old movie. I've had many a knock-down, drag-out argument about movies with my good friend Dub, but it amuses me that our most savagely heated disagreement concerned whether or not Tiger Woods had any sort of moral obligation to speak out against using child labor to manufacture the sports equipment he endorses. For the record, I argued that he did, while Dub believes that we live in a moral sewer in which greed and avarice are always justified, even if it means child slavery and environmental apocalypse. Isn't that that a sufficient dilution of your point, Dub? Yes, of course it is. But more importantly, Mr. Dub, what do you think about Sophia Loren's Oscar-winning portrayal of a desperate war widow in Vittorio De Sica's "Two Women"? Let's find out...


DUB's REVIEW:


In the opening scene of Vittorio de Sica’s 1960 WWII drama “Two Women,” a bombing raid flies over the city of Rome. But we do not see the bombs drop, and we do not fly along with the planes as they look for targets, and we do not see tiny people scuttling through the streets, trying to get out of the way of the attack. De Sica shows us a group of people in a small grocery shop, who pull down the cage to the front door and try to shelter themselves as they wait it out. Two of the women are Cesira (played brilliantly by Sophia Loren), a widow, and her twelve year old daughter Rosetta (Eleonora Brown, who gives one of the very, very few truly great child performances that exist in film).

These are the two women of the title, and we will see their journey play out for the rest of the film, as Cesira does everything she can to simply protect her daughter from the war. They seek refuge from the falling streets of Rome in the countryside with Cesira’s family. They struggle to find food, they hide from Germans; everyday is a risk of their lives in some fashion. Eventually, they attempt to find their way back to Rome after the Allies’ “liberation” of Italy. All of this, though, as indicated by the opening, we will see through their eyes, and their eyes alone.

Through this story, de Sica shows us, more effectively than any other movie I have seen, what it is like to have a war fought in your own country, on your own land, in the streets of your cities. After the air raid in the first scene, a customer of the shop looks around and says, “That smoke: that’s my house.” In another scene, Cesira and Rosetta must hop off a train headed to Cesira’s childhood village because the tracks of the trains have been bombed.

Even in the little village in the hills, out in the middle of nowhere, the family watches as airplanes throw down flares to try to spot troop movements. “Is there no place one can escape?” Cesira asks.

During the 1950’s and especially heading into the 1960’s, many of the English and American war movies of the time tried their damnedest to widen their scope. Movies like “Bridge on the River Kwai,” “The Great Escape,” and “The Longest Day,” were epic in time and sense – interweaving multiple characters and stories, showcasing enormous, wide-angle shots of battles and explosions. And great as those movies are, they lack the intimacy granted to us by de Sica and Loren. There is a scene in the film where Cesira and Michele (the only intellectual in the village – the only one who seems even vaguely concerned about the war) must go into a nearby city to try to find some food. They wind up at a dinner setting with a German officer, who could easily kill them just for not supporting the Nazis. In a different film, this is an exciting showdown between the captains of the good team and bad team. But in this movie, there is no Steve McQueen or John Wayne, and we are given a very real sense of the danger and chaos of Italy during that time.

And de Sica does not let his audience off the hook. There is a scene in the film, a kind of turning point in the story, a severely haunting scene of violence and inhumanity, involving an Allied army and the two women. De Sica does refuses to allow us the calm pat on the back that comes along with winning a war: the new occupiers are no better than the old ones.

“The English, the Germans – whoever wins, wins.” So are the words of an old man in the village, and so seems to be the very fatal summation of this dark, angry, deeply human tragedy.

Final Grade: A

**********

DAN'S REVIEW:

Call it the Charlize Theron Principle, or the Halle Berry Rule -- in the movie world, a woman can become an international sex symbol and star just by being beautiful, but unless she plays a whore or a rape victim or a psycho, she'll never be taken seriously as an actress. It's a measure of how male-dominated the medium is that the pinnacle of great female acting is when an unbelievably sexy actress manages to look slightly less sexy.

Vittorio De Sica's "Two Women" is an odd but captivating mix of wartime melodrama and neorealist epic. Loren stars as a relatively well-off widow living in Rome who flees the city with her daughter in tow in the waning days of World War II. Loren's Cesina is a marvellous character, acting alternately out of selfishness and selflessness, the widow of an old man, a protective mother, a little slutty, using people just as easily as she is used herself. Unfortunately, Cesina is such a gigantic character that she tends to swallow everyone else on screen.

In many respects, "Two Women" plays like a wartime version of De Sica's seminal "Bicycle Thief", with inverted genders. In his earlier film, a working-class man and his impressionable son wander the city streets searching for his stolen bicycle, and a sublime picaresque of post-war Italy and its citizens emerged. In "Two Women", Loren and her virginal daughter make their way through the Italian countryside, which grows increasingly dangerous and lawless as the Italian and German armies make their retreats, and the Allies march toward the city.

The irony of "Two Women" is that Loren steals away to the countryside to avoid the bombing raids on Rome, but it only grows more dangerous outside the cities, as armies of all nationalities collide and maraud without accountability. The more they let their guard down, the more dangerous it becomes. Through it all, the Italian people attempt to maintain neutrality (the townspeople refuse to feed American soldiers for fear of reprisal from the Germans) -- they are poor people trying to survive through conflicts that they realize have little to do with them.

"Two Women" has many gut-wrenching moments (including a rape scene that is terrifying but non-graphic and expertly shot) and several scenes that reminded me of the great Neorealist works, including a random shooting on a country road whose suddenness recalls the death of Anna Magnani in Rossellini's "Open City". Where "Two Women" falls well short of the greatness of "Bicycle Thief" is in the parent-child relationship -- the bond between Loren and her child is only minutely explored, as Loren obliterates everything in her path. Additionally, the film overheats on melodrama at all the wrong times, and feels a touch too genteel at times. That said, it's superbly written and shot, and paints an interesting emotional portrait of survival in the chaotic aftermath of war. Definitely recommended.

Grade: B+.

**********

For the record, Dub sent me his review over two weeks ago, and I just wrote mine two seconds ago. Thanks for all the extracurricular effort, Dub.

UP NEXT: OnDemand From A-Z, Volume C: "Cliffhanger" with Sylvester Stallone, John Lithgow, and Janine Turner.

Apropos of nothing, here are my 10 favorite albums of all time as of this moment right now:

1) Beatles: Abbey Road
2) Rolling Stones: Exile on Main Street
3) Dylan: Highway 61 Revisited
4) AC/DC: Back in Black
5) Beatles: Revolver
6) Neutral Milk Hotel: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
7) Dylan: Blood On the Tracks
8) Dylan: Blonde On Blonde
9) Kinks: Village Green Preservation Society
10) Smashing Pumpkins: Siamese Dream

Alright, that's a pretty square list, but then I'm a pretty square guy. I'm decidely lowbrow in my tastes, whether it be movies, music, humor, art, food, or Jesse's mom.

UP NEXT: Dan and Dub's Duelling Review of "Two Women" (for reals this time).

"It's a Wonderful Life" (1946 - Director: Frank Capra)

Ladies and gentlemen, the "Jingle Bells" of holiday films...the big boy, the grand daddy, the consummate classic. Anyone who is my age or older can remember that back in the 1970's and 1980's, "It's a Wonderful Life" played on television virtually nonstop during the holidays. The film was released during Christmas of 1946, was marginally well-received, got a couple of Academy Award nominations, and then fell into obscurity for several decades. By this time, the film's copyright had lapsed, so the movie was revived as a Christmas perennial. However, this also meant that anyone could show the film in any form, chopped and mutilated in any way seen fit, which is why the film was so ubiquitous around Christmas time -- it cost practically nothing to show. In the early 1990's, the copyright was re-established, and now Capra's film is broadcast only once a year.

The strange thing is that "It's a Wonderful Life" has only a marginal connection to the Christmas holiday. The conclusion of the film, when George considers suicide, receives a visit from his guardian angel, and gets to see what life in his small town would be like without him, is set during Christmas Eve, and the talk of angels, the theme of self-sacrifice, and the film-closing carols are all indicative of the Christmas spirit. But the bulk of "It's a Wonderful Life" involves a tensely detailed exploration of one man's life, and the ways that the American dream and the American nightmare are often inseparable.

Much of Capra's film is noirish and frightening, and many scenes are so dark and difficult, they transcend the movie's reputation as a family fable. I'm thinking of scenes like the one where young George is smacked around by his drunken boss at the drugstore -- it's contrived and melodramatic, but how many filmmakers would have the guts to make the scene so violent and immediate? Then there is the scene where a desperate and disgraced George returns home from the savings and loan to terrorize the children and tear apart his drafty old home -- family and community eventually become George's saviors, but Capra isn't afraid to show us that they are also his traps in the first place.

Another thing that struck me this time around is that the character of Potter, the old miser, seems to understand George Bailey better than any of the other characters. There is a scene where Potter offers George a lucrative job at his bank (a scene reminiscent of Satan tempting Jesus), and he nails the darkness and yearning that boil beneath George's surface -- he sees that George is not just a good guy, but a good guy who has been taken advantage of, and who would kill for a leg up and a way out.

Obviously, "It's a Wonderful Life" is treacle at heart, but it's sublime treacle, and it only shows how far our standards for sentimentality have sunk. I never got around to writing my review of "The Majestic", but my main gripe against the film was that, in its attempt to drizzle itself in "decent", old-movie nostalgia, it was actually one hundred thousand times more sentimental, conservative, and repressive than the average classic Hollywood movie. The small town folk were such misty-eyed, idealized heroes, there was no space left for humanity. Even Bedford Falls had a drunk and a whore!

Jimmy Stewart's self-sacrificing George Bailey could be considered a stand-in for Jesus, but he doesn't act like a deity...he acts like a human being, with all their passions, temperament, and shortcomings -- just think of the scene where he taunts Mary with her robe while she hides naked in the bushes; or the way he clutches Mary with a remarkable mixture of lust, rage, and tenderness when he comes to visit. Jimmy Stewart is my favorite actor of all time, and I think this is his best performance -- George Bailey is the perfect bridge between the fresh-faced idealist of the pre-war years, and the kinky, wounded soul he showed in his work with Hitchcock and Anthony Mann, and the film would hardly succeed if he couldn't convey the character's wide range of emotions and moods. Smarter and slyer than it's ever given credit for, "It's a Wonderful Life" is the best that Hollywood corn has ever tasted.

Grade: A.

I just read that Richard Pryor died over the weekend. Pryor's legacy will always hinge on his work as a comedian, while his film work was generally a mixed bag. However, there were highlights, and I would like to put in a personal endorsement for his work in Paul Schrader's 1978 debut film "Blue Collar". Schrader is only the most underrated American filmmaker of the last half century (his "Mishima" and "American Gigolo" made the Barnesyard Top 50, and "Blue Collar" missed the cut by only one or two places), and he tapped Pryor's ability to merge humor, anger, and desperation better than any other filmmaker. The story is about three fuck-up factory workers who decide to rob their union, only to discover that the union is robbing them on a significantly grander scale. Unbelievably, "Blue Collar" has not yet received a proper DVD release, but I have the film on VHS if any F.O.B's (Friends of Barnesyard) want to take a look.

Today's edition of The Barnesyard will be all about catching up on old business. There are several running gags that are running behind, so I will try to have everything updated by the end of the day. So keep checking the blog for:

-Dan and Dub's Duelling Reviews: "Two Women"

-Dare Daniel: "Uptown Girls"

-OnDemand From A-Z, Volume C: "Cliffhanger"

-Christmas movie reviews: "It's a Wonderful Life"

The Kings won a couple of games this weekend, so the heat is off Adelman for now (although I will continue to argue that his immediate firing is the best for the Kings in the long term, the short term, and all the medium terms). However, the heat goes right back on Geoff Petrie, as the window for a Peja-for-Artest seems to have flown wide open before him. Artest has demanded a trade from the Pacers, and the potential deal has numerous win-win implications for both teams. Will Petrie be able to admit that keeping Peja was a mistake and send the flailing Serb out of town? Stay tuned.

Hell of a week -- I had to attend that two-hour sexual harrassment seminar yesterday, and guess how long I had to stay late in order to finish my work. That's right, two hours on the dot! I call bullshit on you, sexual harrassment video!

OK, enough of the ugliness. Today is Top 5 day, and that is supposed to be a celebration. So without further ado, the five best things that happened in the world this week:

5) If there are any classic-rock fans out there in Barnesyard nation, you would be well served to spin your radio dial over to the Eagle 96.9. That station has been mired in the local trend of format changes recently and is still searching for an identity, but right now they are running their Classic Rock A-Z marathon. They are rifling through their entire music library in alphabetical order, one letter per day. Sure, they're still playing old faves like Bruce, The Rolling Stones, and Steely Dan, but when was the last time you heard them play Bruce's "Cadillac Ranch", the Stones' "Citadel", or Steely Dan's "Any Major Dude Will Tell You"? Yesterday, they even played a Badfinger song that wasn't "Come and Get It!" (it was "Day After Day"). Even better -- since they are rolling through the tunes in alphabetical order, not only will you not hear the same song twice in one day, you won't hear the same song twice in the same month!

4) Stroke of Genius of the Week -- me realizing that I could load Rock the Light songs on to my XBox, and use them as the soundtrack for my Forza Motorsports racing game. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but Rock the Light songs are perfectly suited to racing and crashing cars at 180 mph. As a side list, the top 5 RTL songs to race and crash cars to: 5) "Kravitz"; 4) "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight"; 3) "TSOL Eliot"; 2) "Hot Box the Car"; 1) "Let's Do Something We'll Both Regret".

3) Moral Crusade of the Week -- my quest to rid my beloved Sacramento Kings of head coach Rick Adelman, whose recent feckless coaching performances have recalled the ghosts of Dick Motta and Bill Russell. Adelman's teams underperformed even when they were perfectly suited to his strengths (offensive strategy, pick-and-roll execution, fundamentals, etc.), but right now he is stuck with a team that is slow and small. The Kings need to play ugly basketball, but Adelman has always found ugly play to be abhorrent, even when successful. Beyond that, he has failed to sufficiently prepare, motivate, or inspire his players, and this team will continue losing until he is fired. The sad thing is that he could have left before the season with his legacy intact -- at this rate, he will become one of the most hated figures in Kings history.

2) Birthday of the week -- How did I miss this one? Our old buddy Little Richard turned 73 last Monday, Dec. 5 (looks 71, though, doesn't he?). He was born Richard Penniman in Macon, Georgia in 1932, and had his first big recording session and radio hits in Atlanta. He eventually became an ordained minister, but did you know that he presided over the 1987 marriage of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore at the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas? He's had parts in several movies (most notably as the Little Richard-esque rock star Orvis Goodnight in Paul Mazursky's excellent "Down and Out in Beverly Hills"), and his TV appearances include bit parts (usually as himself) on "Miami Vice", "Blossom", "Martin", "Full House" (in the 1994 episode "Too Little Richard Too Late" -- I'm not making this up), "Fresh Prince", Drew Carey", and as a voice on "The Simpsons".

1) And the winnner is...well Tutti Frutti a-rooti, it's none other than Sacramento's own The Georgia Peach, Little Richard, the Quasar of Rock! Cornering the top two spots on the countdown, that's quite a birthday coup! Of course, Little Richard couldn't be here to enjoy this, as he has switched to an unlisted number without telling me...a minor oversight on his part, I'm sure! Well, thanks again to everyone who entered our little contest, and better luck next week!

This is what worries me about the Maloofs -- they've never had to be hands-on owners before. With Geoff Petrie in charge of the club and seven straight seasons of playoff basketball, the Maloofs have been content to frost their hair and act the part of franchise figureheads. The entire arena fiasco has proven that they're crap-lousy bunglers when they have to get their hands dirty and join the fray. But right now, the team is underperforming in ways that the Maloofs have never experienced, and they have a variety of difficult situations to deal with -- they have a disinterested coach who deserves to be fired, a withering "star" player with no work ethic who needs be traded immediately, and a monstrously egotistical yet talented general manager who would rather die before making either move.

But the Kings have also lost 4 games in a row at home for the first time since Mitch Richmond was wearing the purple, and have effectively removed the biggest home court advantage in the league. The team is unathletic and slow, and need to start playing ugly, grind-it-out, half-court basketball -- they have the players who can do it, but not the coach. It's over, it's been over for a while, and it's up to the Maloofs to make it official.

I will be back within the hour with this week's top 5 list -- without overselling it or making any outrageous claims, I'll just say that it's a life-changing spiritual experience, and that it reading it guarantees that you will get laid by someone much better looking than yourself.

Here is a link to a Hoopsworld article that clarifies why Adelman should be fired immediately, with choice quotes from the man himself.

My favorite quote is his assessment of the Kings' upcoming road trip: "I don't think that's a bonding experience I want, unless you want to go through depression and adversity." A regular Knute Rockne with the inspirational speeches, isn't he? It sounds like he's already given up...it's well past time for the Maloofs to make it official and for Adelman to leave town before things get disgraceful.

Here's another quote from Rick about the Kings' play of late from a USA Today article: "'We've lost four in a row and three at home - that's not good,' Adelman said." Well, at least he understands that it's not good. The most despicable aspect of Adelman's coaching this season has been his complete unwillingness to take any responsibility for the team's failures. Meanwhile, the players have all offered public mea culpas for their performances, which only spotlights the utter leadership vacuum in Sacramento.

By the way, if you won't be able to listen to the postgame show on 1140 after the Kings' loss tonight, I can give you Coach T's analysis in advance:

1) The Kings did a lot of good things tonight.
2) They just missed shots.
3) You have to give the Rockets a lot of credit.
4) Rick Adelman is a genius.
5) He and his staff will figure this out and turn it around.

Repeat those five phrases ad nauseum for 2 hours, and you're there.

Well, Rick Adelman is still the nominal coach of the Sacramento Kings, so we can probably expect another loss at home tonight against Yao, T-Mac, and the Houston Rockets. A big part of the Kings problems -- besides their general lack of rebounding, defense, toughness, or consistency -- is that they are constantly playing from behind. Even in the games that they eventually won, Sacramento has typically come out of the gate with no effort or preparedness. At the end of the day, you HAVE to point at the coach as the culprit -- clearly, Rick Adelman has failed to sufficiently inspire or prepare his players for games. He has to be fired, and he has to be fired RIGHT NOW! This season can be saved, and these players can be saved...but with Adelman as the skipper, the Kings might as well give up on this season and start preparing for next year.

The one exciting thing about tonight's game is that it will be broadcast on TNT, so we won't have to listen to Grant and Jerry shovel shit in front of a disaster scene. The national broadcasters are always more willing to call terrible, uninspired play exactly what it is -- terrible, uninspired play.

OK, enough of that broken record. I was going to continue my Christmas movie marathon last night with "It's a Wonderful Life", but we were too late coming home from dinner so we'll move that one back. Mine and Dub's reviews of "Two Women" will be up later today; and don't forget that tomorrow brings us that lone safehouse for decent Christian values in today's Christmas-killing moral sewer of a society -- the Weekly Top 5 list.

Sorry about the scarcity of posts this week -- work has been busier than expected, and it doesn't help matters that Blogspot has been acting the fool lately. I couldn't access the site at all on Monday morning, it posted some unfinished entries that were supposed to be saved as drafts yesterday, and today it posted my "Blind Fury" review 15 times. It seems to be running alright now, so hopefully the number of posts will pick up as the week goes on.

Of course, I'm going to be a little busy tomorrow because, being in a supervisory position, I have to attend a two-hour sexual harrassment seminar (it's the law, apparently). As though I needed any pointers on how to sexually harrass someone! Ridiculous! If it turns out to be amusing, I will write about it tomorrow afternoon. More likely, it will be a gigantic waste of time.

So how about them Kings, huh? I didn't watch the game last night because it seemed to potentially depressing, so I watched last week's "Survivor" instead (whiniest exit ever, Judd!...I'm pulling for Rafe and Dani all the way). But despite everything that happened last Tuesday night, I see that Rick Adelman once again refused to play Brian Skinner and Corliss Williamson. His aversion to playing his most hard-working veterans off the bench has approached pathological proportions. Meanwhile, the Kings are 7-11 overall, 6-6 at Arco, and they've dropped three straight home games. The sad thing is that this team has plenty of talented players, they just don't have a coach who knows how to use them, or a general manager who understands the modern game enough to find the right pieces to complement them. This season can be still be saved, but Adelman, Petrie, and Peja will have to be shown the door! RIGHT NOW IF NOT SOONER!!!! If the Maloofs don't act fast, the season will officially be over and Sacramento will have a lottery team. And as the Portland Trailblazers will tell you, once you start losing, it's hard to stop.

"Blind Fury" (1989 - Director: Philip Noyce)

Continuing my alphabetical exploration of Comcast OnDemand's free movie content, we turn to Philip Noyce's surprisingly compelling genre film. "Blind Fury" casts that great, ice-eyed blonde Rutger Hauer as a blind Vietnam vet/transient/kung fu master who is forced into action when gangsters threaten the life of his war buddy's young son.

If the plot sounds familiar, that's because the film is a westernized version of the old Zatoichi samurai story -- the plot has been adapted dozens of times, most recently by Takeshi Kitano in a film that played at the Tower a couple of years back. The character is a brilliant pulp conception -- a blind man, noble yet goofy, who uses his heightened senses and instincts to defeat his enemies and master any situation. The cast and crew seem perfectly in tune with the broad yet bloody quality of the material, overplaying it enough to be funny but no so much that it turns into a Jackie Chan film.

The film was made in 1989, when casual violence was all the rage in b-pictures (as opposed to casual gore today), so hands are chopped off and main characters are murdered with zest and glee. Early in the film, Hauer goes to visit the estranged wife and son of his old war buddy. Drug-dealing gangsters in Reno are holding the husband hostage, and a few goons intent on kidnapping the child for leverage bust in on Hauer and the wife. Hauer dispatches with the goons but the wife is murdered, sending Hauer and the kid on the road.

In a lesser film, her death might have haunted the rest of the film and inspired needless melodrama. However, "Blind Fury" reminded me of a classic Hollywood genre film, in that disturbing aspects of the film are made palatable by the breathlessness of the pacing,the economy of the storytelling, and the omnipresence of humor.

This is one of those films that I can't believe I didn't see before now -- it's funny and sharp, always moving, with a fine menagerie of character actors, including Randall "Tex" Cobb (the motorcycle-riding nightmare in "Raising Arizona", Terry O'Quinn (now on "Lost"), Noble Willingham (the poor man's Philip Baker Hall), Mary Kay Place, and Nick Cassavetes.

And did I mention that there's a scene where the blind guy drives a truck?

Grade: B+.

Next up on OnDemand A-Z: the letter "c", with Sylvester Stallone, John Lithgow, and Janine Turner in "Cliffhanger", which I haven't seen since its theatrical release in 1992. It's not a great film, but it was either that one or "The Care Bears Movie II", and I still haven't seen the first Care Bears movie.

The first Christmas movie I watched this season was Mark Sandrich's 1942 film "Holiday Inn" starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire. I never had seen the film, only the semi-remake "White Christmas", and I found the original to be superior in almost every way.

The tossaway story casts Astaire and Crosby as song-and-dance partners who split up over a female colleague -- Astaire plays the flashy cad of the team, and he whisks the girl away while nice-guy Bing retreats to his farm in Connecticut. He tires of farm life quickly, and decides that he will reopen the property as a holidays-only nightclub. Bing figures there are only 15 holidays in a year, so he'll only have to work 15 days a year.

With Bing's crooning and the assistance of a pretty young ingenue, the Holiday Inn (incidentally, the real-life hotel chain had to pay the producers of this film a generous sum in order to use the name) quickly becomes a sensation. Bing and the ingenue begin to fall in love, until Astaire, dumped by the dancer and drunk as hell, stumbles into the club and performs an impromptu routine with the girl. This sequence is the best in the film, as Astaire's physical mastery is given full reign to encompass dance and slapstick in one epically choreographed number.

From there, Astaire attempts to whisk the girl away to Hollywood while Bing tries to keep her for himself at the Inn. Of course, the film's real star is Irving Berlin, who contributed not only the insanely popular "White Christmas", but also one song for each of the holidays (in many respects, this isn't a Christmas film as much as it is a generalized holiday film)! The most shocking is a Lincoln's birthday tune performed in blackface, with Bing's black housekeeper wailing about how Lincoln "set the darkies free". If that number weren't in the film, "Holiday Inn" would be a near-classic...as is, it's hard to whole-heartedly recommend the picture -- for some people, it's going to be too big of a hump to get over. It made me think of a Mexican girl I went to school with who flat-out refused to watch Orson Welles' brilliant noir "Touch of Evil" because Charlton Heston was cast as a Mexican. I completely understood, even as I felt it was a shame she was robbing herself of an amazing film experience.

At the end of the day, fans of the stars will find a lot to be happy about with "Holiday Inn", and other than the Lincoln's birthday number, the film is entirely light-hearted and snappy and fun.

Grade: B.

"Aeon Flux" (2005 - Director: Karyn Kumana)

There's not much to say about this movie -- if you don't mind ogling Charlize Theron in skintight leather for 90 minutes, you'll be occasionally amused. I suppose there are worse things you could do with your time than watch "Aeon Flux" -- for example, you could be cooking up methamphetamine or committing acts of genocide.

Nothing makes much sense in "Aeon Flux", but I don't remember the original MTV series making sense, either, so I guess it's fitting. Less acceptable is the fact that "Aeon Flux" looks absolutely terrrible whenever the camera isn't fondling Theron -- the set design, the cinematography, and the special effects are all atrocious.

The story is essentially eco-surrealist sci-fi hokum -- it is set 400 years in the future in the last human outpost on Earth. They are the survivors of a deadly industrial virus, and their society is ruled by the family of doctors who supposedly cured the virus. Aeon Flux is a rebel spy fighting to bring down the doctors' rule.

Anyone care about this bullshit? Of course not, which is why the film goes to sleep whenever Theron isn't crawling across screen or filmed in swooning close-up. The characters are left to recite sub-Lucas dialogue about the role of governments in empty rooms. My favorite exchange:

"I think we should reconsider the policy. Put it to a vote."

"The policy is not up for debate."

(Angrily) "I'm debating it!"

And so on and so on. Nothing ever happens in "Aeon Flux" besides the occasional kickfight or slow-motion running. Occasionally, someone will swallow a pill or touch a sensor in their face, -- the special effects start swirling, but all that happens is the characters mentally enter themselves to talk to someone or something stupid like that.

In many respects, this is Theron's "Catwoman" -- a big-budget starring vehicle made on the heels of an Oscar-winning triumph that completely depletes the award's critical cache. Consider all the promising Oscar-winners of recent years who thoroughly sold out AFTER winning the award -- Angelina Jolie, Nicolas Cage, Adrien Brody, Cuba Gooding, Halle Berry...all jumped right into superhero films, video game adaptations, soda commercials, or worse.

David Paul admits that his cinematic standards have been permanently lowered by too many Stargate episodes, so he liked "Aeon Flux" alright. But if you're even slightly less jaded, I would recommend staying far, far away.

Grade: D+

*******

Up next: Dan and Dub's Duelling Review of De Sica's "Two Women", starring Sophia Loren and Jean-Paul Belmondo.

Also, I will begin my monthlong salute to Christmas films with a review of Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire in "Holiday Inn", and the second installment in OnDemand A-Z -- "Blind Fury" with Rutger Hauer.

I had never heard of this, but there was a Bollywood remake of the Jennifer Aniston-Jay Mohr 1997 romantic comedy "Picture Perfect" made several years ago. The film is just being made available on Netflix this week. Here is their description:

"Borrowing its plot and title from the Jennifer Aniston-Jay Mohr vehicle Picture Perfect, this romantic Bollywood comedy finds a single working girl named Pooja (Kirti Reddy) trying to convince her curmudgeonly boss (Kader Khan) that she's engaged to a prominent artist (Abhishek Bachchan). The only trouble is, she's actually in love with her boss's son, Raj (Sanjay Suri) -- but, thanks to her lies, he thinks she's off-limits."

Hard to believe there was ever such a thing as a "Jay Mohr vehicle", although it's definitive proof of the moral turpitude of the Clinton era. For those who don't remember, here is the plot description of the original "Picture Perfect":

"Kate Mosley (Jennifer Aniston) faces a dilemma. She's been passed over for promotion because her boss thinks that single woman Kate isn't stable enough. So, Kate invents a fiancé out of Nick (Jay Mohr), a videographer she met at a wedding. As luck would have it, he's in love with Kate. But when the boss wants to meet Nick, all bets are off."

That film also starred Kevin Bacon and Olympia Dukakis. The most interesting aspect about the Bollywood remake is that while the American original ran a manageable 102 minutes, the Indian version is 3 hours long!

Another interesting, all-too-brief weekend...

In the sports world, the Kings are mired in a free fall that won't stop until something drastic happens. Last night, Rick Adelman finally realized he can't keep sitting Brian Skinner and Corliss Williamson while the Kings get dominated inside the paint (why he didn't come to this realization a month ago, when the rest of us did, is anyone's guess). Those guys certainly provided a spark, but in classic Adelman form, he took the joke too far and cost the Kings a chance to win the game by leaving the bench on the floor for the entire fourth quarter. I know some people will argue that he was sending an important message to the starters, but you could send that message and still try to win the game.

Rick Adelman is done in Sacramento...it's just a waiting game at this point. Unfortunately, I have come to the realization that you can't lose Adelman without losing general manager Geoff Petrie as well -- those guys are practically best buddies, and the entire Kings organization is littered with Petries and Adelmans from top to bottom. They are an organizational duo by this point, so you can't lose one without the other. In a similar way, you can't lose Peja without losing Petrie as well -- Peja was supposed to be Petrie's legacy, a player plucked from obscurity at a young age who would blossom into a superstar and team leader a la Dirk Nowitzki or Pau Gasol. Trading Peja would be an admission by Petrie that he was wrong, and he doesn't seem like the type of guy who likes admitting his mistakes. Petrie will never trade Peja or fire Adelman, so we either jettison all three or sink with them. It's up to the Maloofs to make the call.

In football news, Dub's Bears and Conway's Bengals took the next step toward legitimacy on Sunday, while my Broncos and Jesse's Cowboys took small steps backward. It's a crowded field in the NFL right now except for the Colts at 12-0.

Friday night also featured the Best Halloween Show Ever...I missed several bands because I went to the Kings game that night, but what I saw was strictly mind-blowing, from Zeppelin to Thin Lizzy. Of course, the piece de resistance was the literally show-stopping performance by Oasis (I understand Miller finally broke character sometime yesterday afternoon). Everyone put in the work, and it showed.

In other music news, it is my sad duty to report that Sacramento stalwarts Rock the Light have officially sold out. Now, anyone who knows the Barnesyard knows that I listen exclusively to hardcore music (like my ol' grandpappy used to say: "Slayer in the mornin', Slayer in the evenin'"), which is why Rock the Light has always been my favorite Sacramento band. But in an obvious kneel before the mainstream, RTL debuted a sentimental ballad about river dogs at their Saturday night show at the Distillery. Can the use of vocoders, guest raps by Busta Rhymes, and Long Island billionare bat mitzvah gigs be far behind for Rock the Light? Not at this rate.

I didn't see many movies this weekend, but I did watch Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire in "Holiday Inn" and I still need to write my review for Philip Noyce's "Blind Fury" with Rutger Hauer. I'll get to those later this afternoon.

Also, I have not watched "Uptown Girls" yet and I still have all my Netflix rentals out, so I will look for the film at Awesome Video this evening and try to get it in the can tonight. The things I do for you people...

The people have spoken, and they demanded that "Uptown Girls" be named the winner of the next Dare Daniel. This is a perfect choice because it stars not one, but two of my most hated actresses: Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning. The thought of watching either one of them starring in a movie inspires revulsion, but the both of them together? Magic.

Here is a quote from Roger Ebert about "Uptown Girls":

"The theory is that Brittany Murphy is trying to channel Marilyn Monroe, but as I watched "Uptown Girls," another name came to mind: Lucille Ball. Murphy has a kind of divine ineptitude that moves beyond Marilyn's helplessness into Lucy's dizzy lovability. She is like a magnet for whoops! moments."

And some more from Ebert:

"I dismiss all cavils about the movie's logic and plausibility as beside the point. This is not a move about plot but about personalities. Molly Gunn is a comic original (Barnesyard editorial note: he just finished comparing her to Marilyn Monroe AND Lucille Ball!), vulnerable and helpless, well-meaning and inept, innocent and guileless--or, more accurately, a person of touchingly naive guile. Murphy's performance has a kind of ineffable mischievous innocence about it."

I always admired Siskel and Ebert when I was growing up, and watched their show regularly for years. When I was about 15 or 16, I read a piece in one of Ebert's books where he responded to a reader's complaint about people who talk in the movies by claiming that people wouldn't talk if the movie was of sufficient quality. Of course, Mr. Ebert gets private screenings, press showings, screener DVDs and the like, so his opinion is utterly unfounded and idiotic. When I read this, I remember thinking that Mr. Ebert might in fact be a lunatic...this theory was later confirmed several thousand times.

Look for the Dare Daniel review of "Uptown Girls" sometime in the middle of next week, probably on Wednesday.

I had a devil of a time thinking up topics for this week's Top 5 list. I couldn't recall doing anything in my waking hours over the last couple of weeks besides watching movies (which are already pretty well documented on this blog), working, eating, smoking weed, and playing video games. And suddenly, the top 5 list wrote itself:

5) Work: Obviously, this is going to place last on the list, but I also want to give some good press to StateNet as well -- it pays the bills, I don't have to shave or wear a tie, and it features a quirky cast of characters perfectly suited to a UPN sitcom. The part of Daniel could be played by either Vincent D'Onofrio, Jon Favreau, Will Ferrell, or a computer-generated image of William Bendix.

4) Weed: Ah, weed. What more can I say about you, except that you make everything better and everything worse, but still enough of the former to keep me interested.

3) Video Games: I had a very Kings-like playoffs meltdown this weekend playing NBA Live 06 -- my New Jersey Nets were playing in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Indiana Pacers up three games to two. We were in control for all of Game 6 before falling apart in the final minutes. In the decisive Game 7, we produced a classic choke job, falling 91-51 (that's 91 points while playing 5-minute quarters, people!). The team played nervous and scared, they pressed on every play, and as the coach I completely lost control of the ship. And for one fleeting moment, I UNDERSTOOD Rick Adelman. I understood what it was like to be a competent coach who acts incompetently in pressure situations. Finally, the man made sense. Then I remembered that Adelman still refuses to play Brian Skinner and Corliss Williamson even as the Kings get routinely bullied in the paint by the likes of Channing Frye, Adonal Foyle, and Rafael Araujo, anh, and he became an enigma once again.

2) Food: Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's almost thoroughly secular, and it's devoted to some of my favorite things -- family, football, and eating like a pig. My mom produced an amazing feast that mixed traditional favorites and new ideas (there were apricots in the stuffing -- I still can't figure that one out). I got to play with my baby niece, the Broncos beat the Cowboys, and I received a big plate of leftovers to take home -- in other words, a great holidday all around.

1) And the winner is...why, it's none other than Sacramento's own The Georgia Peach, Little Richard, The Quasar of Rock! Or as the kids are calling him, "The Next Fifty Cent" -- yes, as Allen will attest, Little Richard fever has swept through our nation's middle schools. Kids who were wearing G-Unit t-shirts yesterday are shaping their hair into pompadours and humming "Long Tall Sally" in the hallways. And it's not hard to see why Little Richard has captivated the nation's youth -- he represents a return to traditional values such as religion, classical instruments, and the occasional coke-fuelled bisexual orgy with Buddy Holly (OK, the FREQUENT coke-fuelled bisexual orgy with Buddy Holly, but still). It gives you a lot of hope for the future.

Well, thanks again to everyone who entered the contest and better luck next week!

Don't worry, the Weekly Top 5 list is on the way. Without overselling it, let me just assure you that it will fulfill all of your wildest fantasies and enrich your lives in ways you never thought possible. No, David Paul, it's not a blowjob from the Olsen Twins, but you're on the right track.

"HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE" (2005 - Director: Mike Newell)

The 4th Harry Potter book was probably the most difficult to adapt for the screen -- as a book, it's an 800-page doorstop of fantastic imagery and dark foreboding, teeming with new characters and interlacing plotlines. Director Mike Newell and his crew did a reasonably good job considering the circumstances -- the 4th Harry Potter film is less perfunctory than the first two Chris Columbus pictures, but not nearly as exhilarating and lived-in as the Alfonso Cuaron-directed "Prisoner of Azkaban".

Newell tries to appease as many fans as possible while still keeping the story and the pacing relatively light. Many of the characters are essentially reduced to walk-on roles, and stray plotlines such as the one involving the fatuous reporter Rita Skeeter or the one concerning the brief fissure in Ron and Harry's relationship are pared down so much that the film would have been better served by ditching them all together.

If there is a main problem with "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" (besides the fact that the children in the cast are still flat-footed as actors...sorry, kids, it's true), it's the same problem that plagued J.K. Rowling's book -- it introduces new characters that we don't care about who are barely developed before they're killed off, then we're asked to view these deaths as emotionally shattering events.

That said, the film is surprisingly lithe and well connected (almost breathless), with some fantastic setpieces, including the Tri-Wizard tournament events, a far too brief look at the Quidditch World Cup, and Gary Oldman's face in a fire. The supporting cast of British acting titans is good as always, with some genuinely creepy work by Ralph Fiennes as the snake-like reincarnation of Lord Voldemort.

All things considered, "Goblet of Fire" is still not a great film, more for fans than anyone else, but it's a good-looking movie that delivers a consistently high level of entertainment, even if it leaves you with plenty of nits to pick afterward.

Grade: B.

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"International House" (1933 - Director: A. Edward Sutherland)

This film is essentially a vaudeville-esque showcase for some of the era's top film and radio stars centered around a razor-thin plotline -- a motley collection of characters descends on a Japanese hotel to bid on a new, television-like invention called a "radioscope". The cast includes W.C. Fields in fine form as a drunken professor who crashes his autogyro into the hotel, Bela Lugosi as a scurrilous Russian, Franklin Pangborn as the harried hotel manager, and George Burns and Gracie Allen (their routine is one of the highlights) as the hotel doctor and his dimbulb nurse. When the characters watch the radioscope, we see songs by Rudy Vallee, 10 year-old Baby Rose Marie (who would go on to star in the Dick Van Dyke Show), and a heartstopping version of "Reefer Man" by Cab Calloway. It's a minor film, a relic of its era, with a lot of bits that don't work, but there are also some dazzling musical numbers and a lot of well-earned belly laughs.

Grade: B.

We saw a lot of brand spanking new movie previews before the Harry Potter film last night:

There was Tim Allen in a remake of the Disney live-action film "The Shaggy Dog". Mr. Allen, I knew Fred MacMurray. I worked with Fred MacMurray. Fred MacMurray was a good friend of mine. And you sir, are no Fred MacMurray. Hell, you're not even Dean Jones.

There was also a teaser preview for the new Superman film, which looks quite good, albeit a little bit like a Bugsy Malone-inspired remake of the original Richard Donner movie, with teenagers replacing Christopher Reeves and Margot Kidder.

We also saw a teaser for a new M. Night Shyamalamadingdong movie starring Paul Giamatti called "The Lady in the Lake" that appears to concern mermaids. I thought the preview seemed like a joke until I saw the words "Written and Directd by M. Night Shyamalan", and then I was sure it was a joke.

There were also several previews for some crap-lousy looking computer animated films -- "Over the Hedge" from the "Madagascar"/"Shrek" people, "Monster House" from the "Polar Express" people, and some dancing penguin movie that looks like an extended Coke commerical.

The only big movie coming out this week is Charlize Theron as "Aeon Flux", or as it's being called in Germany, "Der Bonerfesten 2005". The producers considered calling the film "Charlize Theron Wears Tight Leather in Order to Trick Dan Barnes Into Seeing a Crappy Movie" for its American release, but that was a little long for the marquee, so they went with "Aeon Flux".

I'm sorry about the lack of timely posting the last few days...work has been a lot busier than I expected. I will write all of my promised movie reviews later this afternoon.

But in the meantime, I think the time is right to start submitting suggestions for the next Dare Daniel. Hit me with everything you got, people, and I will decide on a winner tomorrow morning.

Also, don't forget that tomorrow is Friday, which means only one thing...the return of the world-famous Barnesyard Top 5 list! We all spent the last week lazing around, watching TV, fattening ourselves on turkey and potatoes...but you know who didn't? That's right, Little Richard. That's one man who doesn't know the meaning of quit. Do you think he would cancel a concert because of a slight sprain on his pinky finger? Oh hell no...he'd be banging away at those keys, pinky finger be damned. That's why he's a true American hero, and a shoo-in to for the top spot once again.

There is quit a bit to blog about today...I went to see Harry Potter instead of watching the Kings lose to the Warriors. I caught the end of the game on the radio, and it seems like they got dominated the entire game and were fairly lucky to be close at the end. Peja's performance: 9 points and two rebounds in FORTY-ONE MINUTES (in his defense, it takes a long time to get your body back in shape after missing two games with a slightly sprained pinky finger)!!! Jesse, are you willing to concede that the man is soft yet?

Looks like the Kings also got killed inside the paint once again...meanwhile, Brian Skinner, our best interior player, languishes on the bench. Nothing on this team makes sense anymore. I am going to the game on Friday night, so I will give you a full report the following Monday.

I also finished watching "Blind Fury" last night, and I never get around to reviewing "International House" yesterday, so look for both of those reviews plus "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" later today. Let me just say this first off about the Potter movie, though: Cho Chang -- way hotter in my imagination. Allen Maxwell, you know what I'm talking about!